Robot Chicken (TV Series)
Sausage Fest (2006)
Seth Green: Professor Charles Xavier, Nermal, God, Satan, Li'l Hitler, Various
Quotes
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Heathcliff : I was in the funny papers five years before this lame knockoff.
Garfield : Judge, if I might. I'd like to present this affidavit.
[Opens his suitcase revealing lasagna]
Garfield : Oh, sorry, your honor. I'm on a lasagna diet. I see lasagna, I eat it.
[the jury yawns]
Heathcliff : Aw, that joke sucks! Even for you!
Judge : Court agrees. That joke sucked.
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[Being used a shield against Heathcliff]
Nermal : Ah! I'm dying! AH! I'm so cute and I'm dying!
[Gets flung out the window]
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Burger King CEO : What a day! It's exhausting being the CEO of Burger King!
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Giraffe : [Struggling waist-deep in quicksand] Uh oh.
Giraffe : [Screen: Stage One - Denial] It's no big deal. It's probably not even quicksand! I'll have a good laugh about this tonight with the guys.
[laughs]
Giraffe : [Screen: Stage Two - Anger] Well this is just fucking perfect! Stupid quicksand, stupid jungle, argh, I wanna bite someone in the face! Motherfucker! Motherfucker! Motherfucker! Fuck! Stupid jungle! Fuck!
Giraffe : [Screen: Stage Three - Bargaining] Are you there, God? It's me, Giraffe. Listen, if you would just give me a mulligan on this quicksand thing, I promise, I promise, no more peeing on your shorter creatures. Deal?
Giraffe : [Screen: Stage Four - Depression]
[uncontrollable sobs]
Giraffe : [Screen: Stage Five - Acceptance] You know something? I'm cool with this. I'll bet, I'll bet heaven has all the tender leaves I can eat. And everyone gets their own slurpie machine. Yeah. Take me sweet death, I await your loving embrace!
[stamp]
Giraffe : Uh, what? I think I hit the bottom. Fuck.
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God : Ah, here it is. The book of your life.
[Hands William a book]
William David Reynolds : Wow!
[takes a look inside to find the pages blank]
William David Reynolds : Huh?
God : Just ask the book any question about your life, and the answer shall be revealed.
William David Reynolds : Uh... how many days did I live?
[the book displays 11,972 days]
William David Reynolds : Cool! How many hours is that?
[the book displays 287,326 hours]
God : It's not a calculator. This is the book of your life.
God : Ooh, how many times did I hear the song "I Touch Myself" by The Divinyls?
[the book displays 106 times]
William David Reynolds : Huh, I thought it would be more then that.
[the book displays 'Nope']
God : Why not ask the book about your actions on Earth and how they impacted your loved one?
William David Reynolds : In a minute. Book, if I made bricks out of all the poop I ever pooped out and built a 6-foot high wall out of the bricks, how long could I make that wall?
[the book displays 2.7 miles]
God : This is ridiculous. Book, tell this man how many moments of happiness he gave his friends and family.
William David Reynolds : Boring! Book, could I have filled the Empire State Building with my own poop?
God : Don't answer that, book!
William David Reynolds : I want to know!
God : No!