Unhappily Ever After (TV Series)

Jack's First Date (1995)

Bobcat Goldthwait: Mr. Floppy

Quotes 

• Mr. Floppy : [last lines, reading fan mail]  Dear Sirs, I can tell you hate women, what gives? Art, Chicago, Illinois. Art, you couldn't be more wrong. We have several women on our staff who contribute regularly. At least, for those twenty or so days a month when they aren't unbearable.

  [imperiously] 

  Mr. Floppy : Somebody bring me my carrot juice. Not you. One of the broads.

  [waits to be served, but nobody comes] 

• Jack Malloy : [returns, the worse for wear after his date]  God! It hurts so bad!

  Mr. Floppy : Yes! Give me details. Did you pop her? Ram her? Plant the carrot? Bashed her in the bunny hutch? *Did she suffer?*

  Jack Malloy : Yes, I believe she did. You see, I got there three hours late and she was hungry. I didn't have a car, so I suggested we take a nice romantic walk to the restaurant. On our way there, my leg gave out, so she had to carry me, and... while I was holding on, I copped a cheap feel.

  Mr. Floppy : Who's the man?

  Jack Malloy : I'm the man!

  Mr. Floppy : You the man!

  Jack Malloy : No, you are the man!

  Mr. Floppy : No, I'm the figment of the man's imagination! So tell me, did you get the real thing?

  Jack Malloy : Uh, no.

  Mr. Floppy : Then you not the man.

  Jack Malloy : No, I'm not the man.

  Mr. Floppy : Then who be the man?

  Jack Malloy : Sixteen-year-old kid in a pickup truck who gave us a ride home. Nice kid, friend of Ryan's. I sat in the back with tomorrow's newspapers that he was delivering. Then she must have lost a contact lens, because she disappeared and he started to swerve. So I guess he's the man.

  Mr. Floppy : But you watched?

  Jack Malloy : Yeah, I did.

  Mr. Floppy : Then you did see the man. And that means you *the loser.*

  Jack Malloy : Yeah, that would be me.