Unhappily Ever After (TV Series)

Jack's First Date (1995)

Geoff Pierson: Jack Malloy

Photos 

Quotes 

• Jack Malloy : Whoa. I believe I'm looking at my Saturday night date.

  Ryan Malloy : You don't stand a chance. That's Miss Taylor, my Civics teacher. Everybody's trying to date her, every guy in this school, every teacher, including half the women teachers, no luck.

  Jack Malloy : [exuding confidence]  Have some faith, oh ye of little boogie...

  [walks over] 

  Jack Malloy : Hi, you come here often?

  Miss Taylor : [short dress, long loose hair, bosomy]  Yeah. Every day. I'm a teacher.

  Jack Malloy : You're beautiful. You could make a fortune dancing naked for a bunch of drunks.

  Miss Taylor : Yeah, but instead I choose to earn peanuts teaching a bunch of idiots.

  Jack Malloy : [laughs]  Look, we can stand here and chit-chat all night, but there are a lot of other women I could be hitting on, so do I have a shot with you or not?

  Miss Taylor : I don't know. You have that pinched, horny look of a married man.

  Jack Malloy : Actually, we just separated.

  Miss Taylor : Really? So you probably haven't had enough time to catch a sexually transmitted disease.

• Jack Malloy : Yup, tomorrow night I'm taking your teacher out, and come Monday, every kid in the school will know how your old Dad did in the sack.

  Ryan Malloy : It's okay, Dad, I was gonna drop out anyway.

• Ryan Malloy : Hey, Dad, what do you think about a guy who sits home night after night watching television, never has a date with a woman?

  Jack Malloy : Don't worry, son, you're still young, you're probably not a homo.

• Jack Malloy : [returns, the worse for wear after his date]  God! It hurts so bad!

  Mr. Floppy : Yes! Give me details. Did you pop her? Ram her? Plant the carrot? Bashed her in the bunny hutch? *Did she suffer?*

  Jack Malloy : Yes, I believe she did. You see, I got there three hours late and she was hungry. I didn't have a car, so I suggested we take a nice romantic walk to the restaurant. On our way there, my leg gave out, so she had to carry me, and... while I was holding on, I copped a cheap feel.

  Mr. Floppy : Who's the man?

  Jack Malloy : I'm the man!

  Mr. Floppy : You the man!

  Jack Malloy : No, you are the man!

  Mr. Floppy : No, I'm the figment of the man's imagination! So tell me, did you get the real thing?

  Jack Malloy : Uh, no.

  Mr. Floppy : Then you not the man.

  Jack Malloy : No, I'm not the man.

  Mr. Floppy : Then who be the man?

  Jack Malloy : Sixteen-year-old kid in a pickup truck who gave us a ride home. Nice kid, friend of Ryan's. I sat in the back with tomorrow's newspapers that he was delivering. Then she must have lost a contact lens, because she disappeared and he started to swerve. So I guess he's the man.

  Mr. Floppy : But you watched?

  Jack Malloy : Yeah, I did.

  Mr. Floppy : Then you did see the man. And that means you *the loser.*

  Jack Malloy : Yeah, that would be me.