Dragon Hunters (2008)
Rob Paulsen: Gwizdo, Bat, Lensflair
Quotes
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[Lian-Chu and Gwizdo sit by the campfire. Gwizdo is sulking]
Lian-Chu : What's the matter, Gwizdo? Are you mad?
Gwizdo : You think, that for once, you could take your job seriously? It's always the same old circus, Lian-Chu. All you do is clown around for the peanut gallery.
Lian-Chu : But I don't do it on purpose.
Gwizdo : [scoffing] Yeah, it's a blimey good thing too. Why, pray tell, do you think these hicks never pay?
Lian-Chu : Because they've got no money?
Gwizdo : No! They rip us off because you're not credible!
Lian-Chu : What does credible mean?
Gwizdo : I dunno, eh...
[He grabs Hector by the arm]
Gwizdo : We'll take Hector here, for example. Hector, with his big fangs and all that fur, well, he's credible. And that's why the hicks are scared of him, you get it?
[Lian-Chu looks puzzled and shrugs]
Gwizdo : You don't get it.
[He absent-mindedly drops Hector]
Gwizdo : Hey, look. A dragon hunter who's credible makes the whole earth shake when he walks, right? Like, boom, boom, ba-boom, boom, boom, ba-boom, huh?
[Hector laughs]
Hector : Stupid.
[Gwizdo smacks Hector upside the head]
Gwizdo : And if he has to, he smacks his debtors a couple of times. Bim! Bam! Fork over the money! You get the picture?
Lian-Chu : Hitting clients? That's being credible?
[Gwizdo sighs, annoyed]
Gwizdo : Another example.
[He picks up a bag Lian-Chu knitted]
Gwizdo : You think it's credible? A dragon hunter who likes to knit?
Lian-Chu : But I tore a hole in my...
[Gwizdo snatches Lian-Chu's knitting]
Gwizdo : YOU GOT MANDULAR BOOGERS ON THE BRAIN OR WHAT? YOU KNUCKLEHEAD, KNITTING'S SOMETHING OLD LADIES DO!
[Lian-Chu stands up and raises an arm as though he were about to punch Gwizdo in the face. Gwizdo cowers. Instead, Lian-Chu snatches back his knitting]
Lian-Chu : It was my mother who taught me.
[He storms off]
-
[Gwizdo sees two bats sitting in front of him]
Gwizdo : D'ahh! What are you doing here?
Bat 1 : Hello, Sir Gwizdo.
Bat 2 : So the rat's jumping the ship, is he?
[They laugh mockingly]
Gwizdo : What's this circus all about?
Bat 2 : You're abandoning your friend?
Bat 1 : Lord McChicken?
[They laugh again]
Gwizdo : Wait a sec. What do you girls want? To make me feel guilty? Is that it?
Bat 2 : Scaredy pants.
Gwizdo : Scaredy pants? Yeah, and so what? Do you think I look like the hero in this fairy tale?
Bat 2 : Yeah, and Lian-Chu.
Bat 1 : What's gonna happen to him?
[Gwizdo pauses]
Gwizdo : He won't listen to me!
Bat 2 : Sir I'm-Shaking-Like-A-Leaf.
Bat 1 : Sir I'm-Sh-Sh-Shaking-Like-A-Leaf.
Gwizdo : It's all Zoe's fault!
[the bats flutter around Gwizdo]
Bat 1 : And the lie.
Bat 2 : Sir Ripoff Artist.
Gwizdo : SHUT UP! I DIDN'T CHOOSE TO BE SMALL AND POOR!
Bat 1 : Don't forget ugly and mean.
Gwizdo : EXACTLY! UGLY, AND MEAN! NOW GET OUTTA HERE! SCRAM! JUST SCRAM, BATS! I DON'T BELIEVE IN HEROISM, AND HAPPILY EVER AFTERS, AND ANIMALS THAT TALK!
[Something dawns on Gwizdo]
Gwizdo : Animals... that talk...?
[He realizes he'd been hallucinating, and that the World Gobbler has caused more damage than he anticipated]
-
Lord Arnold : Go to his kingdom, enter his lair, far off in the west, beyond the end of the world... and strike him while he sleeps. Before its too late.
Gwizdo : Yeah, yeah, yeah... but no. It is a cruel blow, but, uh, look at that, we're all booked up.
Lord Arnold : Strike him dead and the world will be saved.
Gwizdo : [desperately tugging Lian-Chu's arm] Lian-Chu, say goodbye, we're disturbing the man...
Lord Arnold : My health and sight will return. And I will cover you in gold.
[He snaps his fingers. Gildas pulls a string and gold pours out of an opening in the wall. Gwizdo exclaims in wonder]
Gwizdo : Dear client, you can make room for his head in your museum of horrors. But first, let me show you our standard contracts. Special little advance for travel expenses and since we're amongst noble knights here, the, uh, large purse of gold should do the trick nicely.
Lord Arnold : Modern methods. Why not? Gildas!
[Gildas sweeps up a bag of gold and hands into the duo]
Gwizdo : Yeah, just put an X there, here, here and there.
-
Gwizdo : Look, I'm sorry. I didn't really mean what I said about knitting.
Lian-Chu : You want a more credible friend. Why don't you go look for one?
Gwizdo : Don't be ridiculous. I could never find a better friend than you.
[He sits on the edge of the island next to Lian-Chu]
Lian-Chu : You're just saying that so I won't be angry.
Gwizdo : Stop it. What do you want me to hire as a partner, huh?
[He gently nudges Lian-Chu's foot]
Gwizdo : Fat John of Wickashire?
[Lian-Chu laughs gently. Gwizdo smiles warmly]
Gwizdo : No way. We're a real team, me and you.
-
Gwizdo : I can't take it. I'm gonna hang myself.
[He buries his face in his hands]
Lian-Chu : [gently] They're only blisters. Put some herbs on them.
Gwizdo : I'm not talkin' about my blisters, I'm talkin' about PRINCESS BLABBERMOUTH!
[Zoé runs by with Hector]
Zoé : A fire! A fire! Let's make a big fire!
[Gwizdo sobs]
Lian-Chu : In any case, did you see how credible I am with her?
Gwizdo : Yeah, but the idea of being credible, Lian-Chu, was to take Uncle Arnold's money and run, not to play knights and dragons until the end of the world!
-
Gwizdo : [reading the story of the Silver Knight Gothic to Zoé as a bedtime story] "And brave Silver Knight Gothic wrenched the terrifying creature out of the shadow. His shiny scales were dripping blood from the children he had just devoured, and whose terrifying screams still echoed in the bone chilling wind of the labyrinth. The fat slimy creature growled, revealing his sharp, crooked, yellow fangs he moved away from the oozing wall. The Silver Knight Gothic stared him straight in the eye and said, with a voice that did not waiver..."
Zoé : "I am not afraid of you, dreadful thing for my heart is pure as a fresh water spring."
[Gwizdo looks at her for a moment and continues reading]
Gwizdo : "... With my silver daggers I shall lop off your head, and justice will be done only when you are dead. And the Silver Knight Gothic threw his silver daggers that sparkle like diamonds and the monster died a terrible agony."
[He closes the book]
Gwizdo : Well, I never! It's no wonder this girl is a live wire! Kids should not be reading this stuff!
-
Gwizdo : Who cares about the end of the world? We're rich!
-
Gwizdo : Okay, Sir Lian-Chu's groupie, your backstage chatter is very close to driving be bonkers!
