Not the Nine O'Clock News (TV Series)

Episode #2.5 (1980)

Mel Smith: Various Roles

Quotes 

• [a scientist is being interviewed about his project to communicate with a gorilla sitting next to him] 

  Interviewer : Professor, can Gerald really speak as we would understand it?

  Prof. Timothy Fielding : Oh yes, yes. He can speak a few actual words. Of course it was extremely difficult to get him even to this stage. When I first captured Gerald in the Congo, '67 I think it was...

  Gerald, the Gorilla : '68

  Prof. Timothy Fielding : '68. Umm... there was an awful lot of work to do. He was enormously slow and difficult. I had to do a lot of work with him on a sort of one-to-one basis...

  Gerald, the Gorilla : [interrupting]  Yes, yes, if I might just butt at this point Tim, I think I should point out that I have done a considerable amount of work on this project myself and if I may say so your teaching methods do leave a bit to be desired...

  Prof. Timothy Fielding : That's a bit ungrateful, isn't it?

  Gerald, the Gorilla : ...and your diction for instance...

  Prof. Timothy Fielding : I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Can I put this into some sort of perspective? When I caught Gerald in '68 he was completely wild.

  Gerald, the Gorilla : Wild? I was absolutely livid!

• Prof. Timothy Fielding : I didn't see the point of him writing letters, I mean they either ate them or wiped their bottoms on them.

  Gerald, the Gorilla : Look, I know you've never got on with my mother.

  Prof. Timothy Fielding : Well, she didn't exactly like me either, did she?

  Gerald, the Gorilla : She got on perfectly well with David Attenborough.

  Prof. Timothy Fielding : David Attenborough! All I ever hear is David bloody Attenborough!

  Gerald, the Gorilla : Let's leave Dave out of this.

  Prof. Timothy Fielding : Oh, shut up and have a banana!

  Gerald, the Gorilla : All right, then, I will.

• Gerald, the Gorilla : I went to evening classes.

  Prof. Timothy Fielding : Oh, shut up about your bloody evening classes, Gerald!

  Gerald, the Gorilla : As Aristotle once said...

  [speaks Greek] 

  Prof. Timothy Fielding : You arrogant little bastard, you're wrecking my life's work! Trampling around the garden... eating daffodils!

  Gerald, the Gorilla : I do *not* eat daffodils.

  Prof. Timothy Fielding : Well, somebody does, don't they?

  Interviewer : Well, I'm afraid that's all we've got time for. Professor, Gerald, thank you very much.

  A Daffodil : He bloody does eat daffodils, you know.