Dylan Moran: Like, Totally (2006 Video)

Dylan Moran: Self

Quotes 

• Dylan Moran : Because you're out of your mind, not feeling well, you go and you buy stuff you didn't really want anyway - y'know, like the Ecuadorian Women's Folk Choir doing the songs of Kenny Rogers. And you bring back some canary yellow jacket with purple buttons up the front and you look at this and you think, 'What is this shit? What was I thinking?' So you take it to a charity shop. That generally is the extent of our charity - we give away all the shit we never needed or wanted in the first place. And that's why charity shops themselves have that incredible funk of depression, that layered smell, and all the women who work there are 103. They were 20 when they turned up for work that morning, they just aged in the smell. Presumably there are people going into those shops as well, who think when they look at the stuff they go, 'That mirror in the shape of a cello, and covered with sea shells is a fucking bargain do you have any more of those? Do you? I need about 10.'

• Dylan Moran : Women are more supportive of one another around children. If a woman gets pregnant other women pitch in and they sort of talk about it and it's far more useful. When men are about to have a child, if they have young male, single friends, they're not so good. You know this, your male friends arrive and they stand there and they look at you and they come and see the baby, and they don't really know how to deal with it. Y'know? They don't get it. 'Well, I'm here you know, your house is a medley of disgusting smells, there's nothing to eat, everybody's wearing bathrobes, there's no bar, I can't fuck anybody - why am I here?

• Dylan Moran : The questions that everybody asks now are the questions that everybody has always asked about each other. You know you still hear all this stuff, 'What do women want?' As though it's really mysterious. As though it's a big deal. All a woman wants is what anybody wants, y'know; friendship and companionship and respect, and a certain amount of leadership with submission, and a kind of... cooperation at all times and a... preemptive empathy and... y'know, general telepathy. It's no big deal is it?

• Dylan Moran : Historically there hasn't been a big demand for male lingerie - from women. Because there's a limited amount you can do with male genitalia. There's a limited amount you can do with *anything* that looks like it's hanging out of the side of a shark's mouth. Doesn't really matter if you put a velvet gown around it - it's not going to do the trick.

• Dylan Moran : You get people disparaging gay relationships because they say, 'Well it can't be meaningful if you met in a latrine.' But most heterosexual people in this country and around the world meet each other and get together with one other when they are totally, totally - drunk. Smashed *out* of their minds - they could not spell... their own face.

• Dylan Moran : I'm talking about *real* intimacy - where people don't mess around with all that manipulating the phrase, 'I love you.' People - you get this all the time, 'I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.' Bake me a cake or go away!

• Dylan Moran : It is much more difficult to be female, I'll grant you that. Because the body's more complicated. You know, if you're born a woman, all these things happen to you: you're a baby, then a child, then a girl, then a woo... girl-woman - and all these things are going on. It's this constant opera where the masks keep falling to the floor throughout your life. 'Who am I? I don't know. What judge? I'm fucking nuts.' And if you're a male, you're born and you have a finger up your nose and the other hand on your dick - and you get *taller*. And that is really it.

• Dylan Moran : I could stab you to death but I can't afford to take the two weeks off from work!

• Dylan Moran : You should be alive as you can until you're totally dead!

• Dylan Moran : Some people are taking pictures on phones. I don't know why people do that. It's very weird having... but everybody does it now, we all take them - you do the same with holiday photos. You record something - to look back on it. Even though... you're not really *there* when you're taking the picture, beacuse you're too busy recording it. So you're retrospectively going to look back on where you *weren't*... and tell yourself you had a good time.

• Dylan Moran : I don't know what I want, but I want it now.