"Einmal Dieb, immer Dieb" is a German television film from 2007 and fittingly with the title of my review here, this movie's title means in English "Once a thief, always a thief". It runs for 1.5 hours as German small screen releases usually do and the director is Michael Kreindl. This is among his earlier career efforts and he is still working on new projects until this day almost 15 years later. The screenplay is by Uwe Wilhelm. It seems he is no longer active, probably retired, which should not be a surprise to anybody really because he has been part of the film industry since 1990 already. Maybe his most known career effort is "Sass". However, almost everything else he worked on, especially the films are really low quality and same applies to director Kreindl. As a consequence, you should keep your expectations really low for this film. And even if you do, they will probably still be too high. The main character is played by Sascha Hehn. I mean he is not particularly good or anything, but compared to his female co-lead Christina Plate he is a revelation. Holy moly was she bad with her line delivery. Some unreal stuff there from here. Of course you can say for both (and the entire supporting cast) that not even thei most gifted actors could have made this abysmal screenplay work and you would be most likely correct. However, nobody forced the cast to accept roles in this movie, so I cannot really go easy on them. Anyway, they were all between forgettable and bad somewhere. Nobody stood out. Kreye is also somewhat known still I suppose, but not exactly a star either. Even for a small screen movie, the names in the cast here are nothing special. So it surprised me a bit that this film is still shown after all this time, but then again it doesn't because Regina Ziegler productions as well as ARD Degeto productions, no matter how old, are constantly shown on these smaller stations and as this one fits both descriptions, it is not only especially bad with all the trash these two constantly come up with, but also especially overrepresented, even if it is only shown twice a year or so. It should not be shown at all.
Now, let me elaborate a bit on some scenes from this movie or general parts of the screenplay that turn this into a horrible movie. I can basically summarize it all in terms of the key plot, namely the idea that the protagonist is a super successful mastermind thief and everything about that idea and his newest mission is absolute nonsense. For example that he relies on kids remembering codes to help him. Very professional. Also it does not make sense because even if he knows the numbers, the alarm will go off and he may need five seconds to turn it off and by then people know already there is an intruder. It's so obvious. How did the writer not think of that. Or how he knows out of nowhere that there is only one way to get in there, one brief time frame, namely when the alarm is shut down and relaunched, just a few seconds. Or his bizarre colleague with the accent who will buy the Nofretete from him. I mean he is supposed to be a really professional guy and expert, but all he does is so clumsy and clearly this was the filmmakers' shot at comedy and it went all kinds of wrong. The cringe is real, especially when at the end he is caught by these kids there. More comedy involves the main character dealingw ith these kids when the kindergarten woman has to leave for an hour or two and some climb where they are not supposed to climb. Others pee in their pants and it is just a mess. I mean the movie, not the urine. Like they get it all wrong. Nonetheless the fact that the protagonist takes care of these kids makes him more desirable in the yes of the female main character (Plate). In order to make sure nobody is getting in their way, they came up with a quick twist that the other colleague broke her foot or something. How convenient. Plate's story already starts as messy as it gets with her visit to the department store and somebody steals her purse without her recognizing and even when the male protagonist talks to the thief, she does not recognize and how the man vanishes than, just like "Léon" in the first scene was pretty embarrassing. Clearly this movie took itself far more seriously than it had any right to. Another good example is when the woman's bike is stolen. Yep, people steal a lot of stuff from her obviously. Must be the super thief's aura. But there she starts ranting towards Hehn's character about how mean it is when people steal stuff, so obviously cringe given the man's profession. Terrible writing and line delivery there. Okay what else is there to say? Oh yes, the man is still a gentleman and man of honor and when he realizes who he stole the Nofretete for, who will buy it, then he said he would have left it in the museum. Yeah right. And don't even get me started about the idea that she breaks into a thousand pieces and all of a sudden they have an identical replica, so nobody will reccognize and in the end, he just drives off with the woman and is ready to end his days as a criminal and she is happy and he is happy. Haha oh my God this is all so embarrassing. Already, how they go so much over the top by picking the Nofretete, like one of the most precious exhibits ever. Are we really supposed to believe that? Subtlety definitely is not anybody's strength here. This was a terrible, terrible movie with zero artistic credibility to it. And it made no sense literally sometimes, for example how our world class thief does not even know the exhibit will only be there for a few more days before it is transferred to Paris. What an expert! Oh yeah and I almost forgot abbout the parts with the mother, the pseudo dramatic heart attack and how they used for comedic purposes that she apparently keeps having male visitors. Very funny. Enough said. Easy thumbs-down for me and I highly recommend not to watch it. Degeto and Regina Ziegler delivering the usual nonsense.
Now, let me elaborate a bit on some scenes from this movie or general parts of the screenplay that turn this into a horrible movie. I can basically summarize it all in terms of the key plot, namely the idea that the protagonist is a super successful mastermind thief and everything about that idea and his newest mission is absolute nonsense. For example that he relies on kids remembering codes to help him. Very professional. Also it does not make sense because even if he knows the numbers, the alarm will go off and he may need five seconds to turn it off and by then people know already there is an intruder. It's so obvious. How did the writer not think of that. Or how he knows out of nowhere that there is only one way to get in there, one brief time frame, namely when the alarm is shut down and relaunched, just a few seconds. Or his bizarre colleague with the accent who will buy the Nofretete from him. I mean he is supposed to be a really professional guy and expert, but all he does is so clumsy and clearly this was the filmmakers' shot at comedy and it went all kinds of wrong. The cringe is real, especially when at the end he is caught by these kids there. More comedy involves the main character dealingw ith these kids when the kindergarten woman has to leave for an hour or two and some climb where they are not supposed to climb. Others pee in their pants and it is just a mess. I mean the movie, not the urine. Like they get it all wrong. Nonetheless the fact that the protagonist takes care of these kids makes him more desirable in the yes of the female main character (Plate). In order to make sure nobody is getting in their way, they came up with a quick twist that the other colleague broke her foot or something. How convenient. Plate's story already starts as messy as it gets with her visit to the department store and somebody steals her purse without her recognizing and even when the male protagonist talks to the thief, she does not recognize and how the man vanishes than, just like "Léon" in the first scene was pretty embarrassing. Clearly this movie took itself far more seriously than it had any right to. Another good example is when the woman's bike is stolen. Yep, people steal a lot of stuff from her obviously. Must be the super thief's aura. But there she starts ranting towards Hehn's character about how mean it is when people steal stuff, so obviously cringe given the man's profession. Terrible writing and line delivery there. Okay what else is there to say? Oh yes, the man is still a gentleman and man of honor and when he realizes who he stole the Nofretete for, who will buy it, then he said he would have left it in the museum. Yeah right. And don't even get me started about the idea that she breaks into a thousand pieces and all of a sudden they have an identical replica, so nobody will reccognize and in the end, he just drives off with the woman and is ready to end his days as a criminal and she is happy and he is happy. Haha oh my God this is all so embarrassing. Already, how they go so much over the top by picking the Nofretete, like one of the most precious exhibits ever. Are we really supposed to believe that? Subtlety definitely is not anybody's strength here. This was a terrible, terrible movie with zero artistic credibility to it. And it made no sense literally sometimes, for example how our world class thief does not even know the exhibit will only be there for a few more days before it is transferred to Paris. What an expert! Oh yeah and I almost forgot abbout the parts with the mother, the pseudo dramatic heart attack and how they used for comedic purposes that she apparently keeps having male visitors. Very funny. Enough said. Easy thumbs-down for me and I highly recommend not to watch it. Degeto and Regina Ziegler delivering the usual nonsense.
