- Chidi Anagonye: Picture a wave in the ocean. You can see it, measure it - its height, the way the sunlight refracts when it passes through - and it's there, and you can see it, and you know what it is: it's a wave. And then it crashes on the shore and it's gone. But the water is still there. The wave was just a different way for the water to be for a little while. That's one conception of death for a Buddhist: the wave returns to the ocean, where it came from, where it's supposed to be.
- Janet: What do you think happens when people walk through the door? It's the only thing in the universe I don't know.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: I don't know either. The wave returns to the ocean. What the ocean does with the water after that is anyone's guess. But as a very wise not-robot once told me, the true joy's in the mystery.
- Chidi Anagonye: All right, let's see what's on the menu. Literally anything you can possibly imagine. Hmm. What are you thinking?
- Eleanor Shellstrop: "Working out the terms of moral justification is an unending task." That's what I was thinking about. That sentence.
- Chidi Anagonye: You want to eat that sentence for dinner? Can we eat words? 'Cause I asked Janet about this and... .
- Eleanor Shellstrop: No, no, it's the last line of Scanlon's book. Remember?
- Chidi Anagonye: Ah.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: The whole book is about how we should try to find rules other people can't reasonably reject, and then he ends it by saying, "The search for how to find these rules will go on forever." I proposed a rule that Chidis shouldn't be allowed to leave because it would make Eleanors sad. And I could do this forever, zip you around the universe showing you cool stuff... and I'd still never find the justification for getting you to stay. Because it's a selfish rule. I owe it to you to let you go.
- Janet: Do you mind if I stay here until you're gone?
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Only if you say that thing I taught you.
- Janet: [thinks] I hate to see you walk through the Final Door on the edge of existence... but I love to watch you leave.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: There we go.
- Janet: To me, remembering moments with you is the same as living in them.
- Jason Mendoza: Can you just remember the happy times and forget the bad stuff?
- Janet: There was no bad stuff. It was all good.
- Jason Mendoza: Oh, dip! You're back!
- Janet: [shocked] Jason?
- Jason Mendoza: Yeah!
- Janet: What... but... how... why...
- Jason Mendoza: Funny story. Remember how I made you something, but I thought I lost it because it wasn't in my pocket?
- Janet: Uh-huh.
- Jason Mendoza: Turns out it was in my other pocket! By the time I found it, you were gone. I was just gonna leave it for you, but I was worried it would get eaten by that magic squirrel. So I decided to wait for you to come back. Every so often, a different Janet came, but I knew it wasn't you.
- Janet: Jason, it's been, like, a thousand bearamies.
- Jason Mendoza: I know, but I wanted to see you again. It was actually pretty easy to wait. I just sort of sat quietly and let my mind drift away. Thought about you and the infinity of the universe.
- Janet: Kind of like a monk.
- Jason Mendoza: [frowns] What do you mean?
- [puts the locket around Janet's neck]
- Jason Mendoza: Looks good, not-a-girl.
- [Jason and Janet share one last kiss]
- Jason Mendoza: Chidi, wait up!
- [Janet smiles as she watches Jason go through the arch]
- Judge: Cockamamie! That's what I think of your plan, I think it's cockamamie.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: I think it's a great plan, and I bet deep down, you do, too.
- Judge: It sets a bad precedent.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Babe, no one else is ever gonna want to do this. Plus, if they ask, you just say, "Sure, pal, go ahead and save every soul in the universe, and then we got a deal." And think about it this way: if you do this, you'll never have to hear from any of us ever again.
- Judge: Ooh. Now that sounds tempting. 'Cause y'all are annoying! I mean, you did save the universe and all, but your tone... It's your tone.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: I know.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: So... you go back to your old life, chill with your floating Derek head, and when Tahani gets certified, you enter the system. Tahani designs your test. Deal?
- Mindy St. Claire: Why not? Something new.
- [pause]
- Mindy St. Claire: Thanks for giving a crap about me. I don't really give a crap about myself, so it's nice that someone does. I'm really glad I filmed you having sex.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: [smiles] Me, too.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Hello, gorgeous.
- Tahani Al-Jamil: Eleanor! And Mindy St. Claire, as I neither live nor breathe! What brings you ladies here?
- Eleanor Shellstrop: I'm trying to convince Mindy to enter the system after all this time. She's a little worried about who might end up designing her test.
- Tahani Al-Jamil: Say no more, I'm on the case.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Really? Are you, like, certified or whatever?
- Tahani Al-Jamil: Well, not yet, but it won't be long, right, Shawn?
- Shawn: [ominously] Oh, I think you'll find that Tahani will be certified *very* soon.
- [beat]
- Shawn: Did that sound evil? I didn't mean it to. I was sincere. Force of habit. I do think that you'll find that Tahani will be certified *very*... Shut up, Glenn!
- Chidi Anagonye: Can I ask you something, buddy? How did you... know?
- Jason Mendoza: It wasn't like I heard a bell ring or anything. I just suddenly had this calm feeling, like the air inside my lungs was the same as the air outside my body. It was peaceful. You know the feeling when you think a jalapeño popper is gonna be too hot, but you bite into it anyway and it's actually the perfect temperature?
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Believe it or not, I do know that feeling. That feeling rules.
- Jason Mendoza: There you go.
- Shawn: Well, I will begin by saying this new system stinks, and Michael stinks, and we should throw this all in the garbage and go back to the way it used to be, when everyone was tortured.
- Michael: There's still some bumps in the road, but this system is good, and it's working. Come on, admit it.
- Shawn: I will never, ever ever ever ever, ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever, ever ever ever ever ever, ever ever ever ever ever, ever, ever, admit that.
- Michael: I know, buddy, I know.
- Chidi Anagonye: Shakespeare went through the door.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Really?
- Chidi Anagonye: Yeah. Everyone's talking about it.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: It's probably for the best. His last 4,000 plays were not nearly as good as the ones he wrote on Earth. I mean, did you see "The Tempest 2: Here We Blow Again"? Woof.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: I was never good at being sad. Partly because my mom straight up told me not to be. But this is sad, man. You got a John Locke quote or piece of Kantian wisdom you can throw at me?
- Chidi Anagonye: Those guys were more focused on rules and regulations. For spiritual stuff, you gotta turn to the East.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: I'll take anything you got. Hit me.
- [pause]
- Chidi Anagonye: Picture a wave in the ocean. You can see it, measure it - its height, the way the sunlight refracts as it passes through - and it's there, you can see it, and you know what it is, it's a wave. And then it crashes on the shore and it's gone. But the water is still there. The wave was just... a different way for the water to be for a little while. That's one conception of death for a Buddhist: the wave returns to the ocean, where it came from and where it's meant to be.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: [crying] Not bad, Buddhists.
- Chidi Anagonye: Not bad.
- [turns to look at Eleanor]
- Chidi Anagonye: None of this is bad.
- Jason Mendoza: [about his farewell party] Okay, homies, you're sad. I can tell 'cause you have the same looks on your faces that my teachers did whenever I raised my hand in class.
- Jason Mendoza: What time is it?
- Janet: I don't know.
- Jason Mendoza: Really?
- Janet: Yeah. At one point, hundreds of Bearimys ago, I turned off my ability to know what time it is anywhere in the universe when you and I are together.
- Tahani Al-Jamil: Would anyone like a cup of antimatter?
- Beadie: Sure. I take mine with non-dairy neutrinos.
- Judge: You know what I just discovered recently? Podcasts. There's, like, a billion of them and they just keep coming. Now scoot. I got a new Radiolab to listen to about how clams learn.