- Old-Fashioned Guy: Call me old fashioned but I still believe there is only one true God. And he lives in this lake. And his name is Zorgo.
- Old-Fashioned Guy: Call me old-fashioned but I think that fire is magic, and it scares me a lot.
- Dad: Doug, are these your cigarettes?
- Doug: Yeah and what if they are? You gonna send me off to grandma's house so that she can teach me pinocle and make me bland?
- Dad: No, can I bum one?
- Doug: Oh, yeah sure. No, dad! No! Like bumming a smoke from Doug is gonna make things copacetic twixt me and you. I'm Doug and you're dad. Teens and adults don't mix. Forget it, I'm outta... I'm outta herrrre.
- Dad: Doug, I found these in your drawer. What are they, son?
- Doug: They're propho's.
- Dad: I know that, Doug. Why do you have them?
- Doug: They're for my penis, dad. I stick 'em on my dinkus when I wanna have sex.
- Capt. Monterey Jack: Now I don't know what the guys from the MTV do with their lights, ok. I don't know what the guys from the Skin Doctors do with their lights, but I do know this: this little piggie went to the market, this little piggie stayed home and started an electrical fire because he didn't turn out his ightslay - that's "lights" in pig latin which is what happened to the piggie.
- Announcer: And now... Louie! The guy who comes in and says his catchphrase over and over again!
- Louie: Who's got something to drink?
- Man at party (Showalter,Michael): I do.
- Louie: What is it?
- Man at party (Showalter,Michael): It's orange juice.
- Louie: Orange juice? Hey! I wanna dip my balls in it!
- Emcee: Our next contestants have come all the way from London, England. She's either from New York or LA - she can't remember - and her hobbies include sleeping, eating and heavy-duty narcotics. And he's from London and when we asked him his interests he didn't really understand the question. Well let's have a big welcome for Sid Vicious and Nancy Spungen.