- Bonnie: [crying on the bed] The holidays are just really hard for me.
- Marjorie: [sarcastically] Oh *you're* the one.
- Bonnie: [sits up] Christy told this... awful story about when she was a kid, and I've heard the story a thousand times, and I laughed every single time... but this time... I just wanted to... punch myself in the face for how horrible I was.
- Marjorie: Bonnie, this is to be expected. You're coming up on 5 years of sobriety, and you're just now starting to look back at the person you used to be through sober glasses, and it's a hard thing to take.
- Bonnie: But why at Christmas?
- Marjorie: We don't get to pick when it happens. I once made a flight to Detroit very uncomfortable for my fellow passengers.
- Bonnie: Why were you going to Detroit?
- Marjorie: National Cat Show.
- Bonnie: Is that why you were crying, because you paid to go to a cat show?
- Marjorie: I was crying because 15 years earlier I cheated on my husband and it was only during mid-flight that the... enormity of what I'd done hit me.
- Christy: This one took her boyfriend of 48 hours out on Christmas Eve, she said to do some last minute Christmas shopping. But it turns out there was a bar next door to Toys R' Us. So I get up on Christmas morning to an empty house. Around noon there's a collect call so I'm thinking 'Okay, she's in jail again'. No, she got into a fight with dad of the week and needs me to come get her at the park where she passed out... I'm 11... so I drive over there and get her.
- Bonnie: In my defense she was an excellent driver, and she still is.
- Christy: Thank you. So on the way back we stop at a gas station and I buy my own Christmas presents, 2 Milky Way bars and a Teen Bop magazine with a pull out poster of Kirk Cameron.
- Bonnie: I believe there was also a Yoohoo involved.
- Christy: Yeah, yeah, yeah, Yoohoo, nothing says Christmas like chocolate milk that doesn't need to be refrigerated.
- Patty: There's even a stocking for me! It doesn't get any better than this.
- Adam: [unamused in footie pajamas and a Santa hat] It gets *way* better than this.
- Patty: [phone pings] It's my mom! She's gonna let me Facetime with Emily while she opens her presents!
- Bonnie: [getting weepy] Really? That's terrific!
- Christy: Mom, why're you crying now?
- Bonnie: I'm the best sponsor ever!
- Christy: ...You kind of are.
- Bonnie: I was such a horrible mom, I'll never be able to make it up to you.
- Christy: Mom, you already have. You may *just* now be feeling this, but I'm over it. That's why I can tell those stories, because they don't hurt anymore... and also, everybody loves them.
- Bonnie: [laughs] They *are* a crowd pleaser.
- Tammy: Minor issue, Patty's planning to leave and kidnap her daughter, that's not the word she used but that's what it is.
- Bonnie: I think the reason we love candy canes is they give us the same feeling as putting coke on our gums.
- Marjorie: [eating peppermint pie] It kind of does! And I won't be vacuuming naked at 3 in the morning.
- Tammy: Okay, I know what I want for Christmas, a videotape of Marjorie on cocaine!
- Bonnie: That wouldn't be on video, it'd be chiseled on a cave wall.
- Jill: If we were dating, would you take me home to meet your mama?
- Tammy: Are we exclusive? Does every date end in a sleepover? Have we taken a bath together?
- Jill: Yes to all three.
- Tammy: Then I would definitely take you home and parade you around the local Appleby's.
- Jill: Awww, I don't know what an Appleby's is, but Tammy's a good boyfriend!
- Wendy: [Jill won't stop obsessing over a woman in Andy's picture] Oh my God, just call him already! You have a great boyfriend, Jill, so stop inventing drama! You got a question, ask him already, or get ready to sit home with me every Saturday night and knit socks!
- Tammy: Hey Wendy, if you're knitting socks, I'm a size 10 1/2 and I like the ones with little toes on them, like foot mittens.