- Chas Finster: Oh look, Boris, your play made the front page! "Synagogue Seniors Stage Meaning of Chanukah."
- Grandpa Boris: [looks at newspaper] Wonderful! They took my picture for this. Oy gevalt! They used Shlomo's picture instead of mine!
- Chas Finster: What's a "Shlomo?"
- Didi Pickles: He's an old friend of Boris from his school days back in Russia.
- Grandpa Boris: What friend? Ever since we were young, he always tried to outdo me. I caught a smelt, he caught a sturgeon. I caught a cold, he caught the pneumonia. I start a family, he starts his "fancy-shmancy" business.
- Grandpa Boris: All my life you're upstaging me!
- Shlomo: Me? You're the one who's always bragging - my children this, and my grandchildren that. On and on!
- Grandpa Boris: You'd be proud of your children too, if you had any! But, nah, you were too busy with your fancy-pants business deal!
- Shlomo: [gasp] Is that what you think?
- Grandpa Boris: That's what you said!
- Shlomo: So sue me, I lied! Sadie and I, may she rest in peace, were never blessed with children! All I had was my fancy-pants business, Mr. Know-so-much! So now you know.
- Mr. Dreidel: [catches Angelica after slipping on a latke tossed onto the floor by her] You! I broke a shin because of you!
- Didi Pickles: Pop, Stu, it's time for the fair!
- Stu: [bursts out the door, covered in soot] You go on ahead, Deed! It needs a few minor adjustments. I'll meet you over at the church!
- Grandpa Lou: [while putting out a fire] It's a synagogue, Chanukah boy!
- Stu: Right, right, I knew that.
- Angelica: Chanukah is that special time of year between Christmas and Misgiving when all the bestest holiday shows are on TV.
- Minka: If Shlomo and Boris make it through tonight's performance without killing each other, that will be the miracle of Chanukah.
- Shlomo: A menorah is, uh, like the nightlight of our people. In times of darkness it shines on the whole world reminding us not to be afraid to be different, but to be proud who we are.
- Angelica: Yecch! Topatoes? What kind of bobo-head makes pancakes out of topatoes?
- [Angelica throws the latke on the floor. A man in a dreidel costume carrying a box of donuts slips on it, spins around and falls down. An old man walks by and looks at the dreidel; the gimmel side is up]
- Old Man: I win!
- [takes the entire box of donuts]
- Phil, Lil: The Meanie of Chanukah!
- Chuckie: No wonder your grandpa doesn't want to play with him. I had to play with a meanie in day-care once.
- Tommy: Oh, what happened?
- Chuckie: First he made me lick the slide, and then he hugged me from the monkey bars, and then he put a worm on my head.
- Tommy: Oh, you don't think he'll do that to my grandpa, do you?
- Chuckie: If it's a growed-up meanie, it'll be much worser than that, Tommy.
- Tommy: What happened to the meanie at day-care?
- Chuckie: The teacher came over and dug me out of the sand. And then she made us both take a nap.
- Tommy: That's it, then! We've got to put the Meanie of Chanukah down for a nap!
- Chuckie: Ugh, me and my big mouth.
- Grandpa Boris: [takes one of Didi's latkes] The miracle is, these things have clogged our people's arteries for 2,000 years, yet we survive.
- Rabbi: Now, remember, everyone, when Mr. Pickles lights the menorah, we... Oyde, where's Mr. Pickles?
- [Cut to Stu and Grandpa driving slowly]
- Stu: I can't believe how slow this traffic is moving.
- Grandpa Lou: [sighs and rolls his eyes]
- [pull out to reveal the car is somehow in a Christmas parade]
- Parade Crooner: Deck the halls with bough...
- Grandpa Lou: I thought the rabbi just wanted the thing fixed for the end of the Chanukah play, Stu, not reinvented!
- Stu: I know, pop, but I want Tommy to be proud of his heritage. Besides, I want to show Didi I'm really supportive of Chanukah.
- Grandpa Lou: Well, if you ask me, you're overdoin' it.
- Stu: Ha! When this baby fires up, they won't say I overdid it. They'll say I'm a genius.
- Tommy: These are the books our forefathers read, and our five-fathers and our six-fathers and I'm not stoppin' now.