In the Loop (2009)

Chris Addison: Toby Wright

Photos 

Quotes 

• Toby Wright : Liza Weld. She did the Kennedy Scholarship at my college. I had a little thing for her at the time.

  Judy : I can imagine, yeah.

  Toby Wright : Don't think she remembered me, to be honest.

  Judy : That is one of the side-effects of Rohypnol.

• Jamie MacDonald : Well, if it isn't Humpty Numpty.

  Simon Foster : What is this? Surround bollocking?

  Jamie MacDonald : Hey, with due respect, I hadn't finished. If it isn't Humpty Numpty sitting on top of a collapsing wall like some clueless egg cunt. Now, I'm finished.

  Simon Foster : Hi, Jamie, this is Toby.

  Toby Wright : Oh, um... Toby Rice, I'm Simon's aide.

  Jamie MacDonald : Hi, Toby, Toby. Very pleased to meet you. Please sit down. Now, right, that's enough of all the fucking Oxbridge pleasantries.

  Toby Wright : What's Oxbridge about saying hello?

  Jamie MacDonald : Shut it, Love Actually! Do you want me to hole punch your face?

  Malcolm Tucker : Right, I'm off to deal with the fate of the planet. Be gentle with them.

  Jamie MacDonald : Oh, you know me, Malc. Kid gloves... but made from real kids. Right, Butch and Gaydance, this wall story is playing badly. There's a cartoon of you in here as a walrus.

  Simon Foster : A walrus? I'm not fat, I don't even have a moustache. Fuck, they've given me tusks.

  Jamie MacDonald : Wal-rus. You get it? Wal-rus, wal-rus.

  Toby Wright : We called some builders. They didn't turn up when they said they would.

  Jamie MacDonald : What did you expect? They're builders! Have you ever seen a film where the hero is a builder? No, no, because they never fucking turn up in the nick of time. Bat-builder? Spider-builder? Huh? That's why you never see a superhero with a hod!

• Sir Jonathan Tutt : So, you must be Simon. I'm the British Ambassador to the UN, Sir Jonathan Tutt. Well, this is it, ladies and gentlemen. This is the United Nations. We, sir, are in here. So, if there's anything you need, just give me a whistle. You know how to do that, don't you Malcolm? What do you do? Hm? That's right. You put your lips together and you blow. I'm going to head up to this delegates' reception. I hope there's some nibbles, because I'm ravenous.

  Malcolm Tucker : Nibbles. Who still says "nibbles"?

  Toby Wright : Fuck the nibbles. What was with the homoerotic tension?

• Malcolm Tucker : Hey, Foetusboy, Lesson One: I tell you to fuck off, what do you do?

  Toby Wright : Eff off?

  Malcolm Tucker : You'll go far, now fuck off.

• Simon Foster : Tobes, I don't want to have to read you the riot act but I am going to have to read you some extracts from the riot act, like section one, paragraph one: don't leave your boss twisting in the wind and then burst in late, smelling like a pissed seaside donkey.

  [imitating Toby with a pathetic voice] 

  Simon Foster : "The British are coming."

  Toby Wright : Look, alright, I was late for the meeting, Simon, I am sorry, but it's not like I threw up in there, is it?

  Simon Foster : No, you're right, I'm being unfair. I should be thanking you for not throwing up. Well done, you're a star. You didn't wet yourself, did you? You're in the right city. You didn't say anything overtly racist. You didn't pull your cock out and start plucking it and shouting "Willy Banjo". No, I'm being really unfair. You'd got so much right, without actually being there in the beginning of one of the most important moments of my career. Thanks, you're a legend.

• Malcolm Tucker : Right. Was it you?

  Simon Foster : No, it wasn't. No. What?

  Malcolm Tucker : You do know what I'm talking about, don't you?

  Simon Foster : No. And... And... whatever it was, I almost certainly didn't do it.

  Malcolm Tucker : Was it you, the baby from Eraserhead?

  Toby Wright : No, no.

  Malcolm Tucker : Then it must have been you, the woman from The Crying Game.

  Judy : It wasn't me.

• Toby Wright : [looking at George Washington monument]  See that? Pull that out, America deflates.

  Malcolm Tucker : Yeah, it's very easy to mock. The closest you'll ever get to one of those is buying a fucking Toblerone. I'll wait in the car.

  Simon Foster : So what are we going back to, apart from a nice cup of tea and some knife crime?

  Toby Wright : Constituency surgery in Northamptonshire.

  Simon Foster : Oh, great. Meeting my constituents. It's like being Simon Cowell, only without the ability to say, "Fuck off, you're mental".

• Simon Foster : Okay, off you go.

  Toby Wright : What do you mean?

  Simon Foster : I've got this covered. Go and find the next thing. Talk to that Chad boy, the boy from "The Shining." He knows things.

  Toby Wright : Don't make me pump Chad.

  Simon Foster : No, I'm making you pump Chad. It'll be easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy.

  Toby Wright : No, it won't. It'll be difficult-difficult-lemon-difficult. That is what it will be. Have a lovely afternoon. Stop a war for me.

• Toby Wright : Suzy, this is probably going to sound a bit odd under the circumstances, but...

  Suzy : A quickie?

  Toby Wright : No. Thank you, but no. It's about Liza. Liza wrote a paper, it's called PWIP PIP.

  Michael Rodgers : PWIP what?

  Toby Wright : PWIP PIP.

  Michael Rodgers : Who wrote that? Charles Dickens?

  Toby Wright : Post War Planning Implications...

  Suzy : Yeah, all right.

  Toby Wright : Right. I think, it could, if it was leaked, stop this kind of rush towards a war, you know, too quickly, that sort of thing. Just if it was leaked.

  Suzy : You are such a coward. Take your backlog of Mojo and your shit clothes and your eighth of dope and your flute and piss off.

• Simon Foster : That's that then.

  Toby Wright : Jolly good. "That's that then" is your line for the ages, is it?

  Simon Foster : What?

  Toby Wright : Well, "I remember the day war was declared. I turned to the minister and he said, 'that's that then. Anyone want a mint?'"

  Simon Foster : Piss off, Toby.

• Toby Wright : Um, General Miller. Sorry, I know this is a slightly awkward time to be...

  Lt. Gen. George Miller : Go fuck yourself, Frodo.

• Simon Foster : Tobes... hi.

  Toby Wright : Hi.

  Simon Foster : What are we gonna... do tonight?

  Toby Wright : Gonna do tonight?

  Simon Foster : Yes, what are we up to, my... my chief aide?

  Toby Wright : Well... yeah, I mean, I sort of thought tonight we'd probabbly be just a bit tired, really.

  Simon Foster : Yes. No, I am tired. But I'm also a career politician, Toby, in the political powerhouse of the world for 48 hours, and I thought it might be nice to, you know, go out rather than just sitting in my room, trying to spank one out over a shark documentary, 'cause I'm scared if I watch a porno it'll end up in the register of members' interests. So... what have you got for us to do?

• Jamie MacDonald : All right, that's enough with the fucking Oxbridge pleasantries.

  Toby Wright : Wh... What's Oxbridge about saying hello?

  Jamie MacDonald : SHUT IT, Love Actually! You want me to hole-punch your face?

• Toby Wright : What if our meeting has finished? What if Karen comes back and then we're still sitting here? It's going to be embarrassing, isn't it? We're going to look like groupies.

  Simon Foster : What if the meeting hasn't finished? And she comes back and we've disappeared?

  Toby Wright : Maybe I could call Judy? She could...

  Simon Foster : Please can we try and just do one thing without Judy? I think we've drawn long enough from that... teat.

• Simon Foster : In the motorcade, can we get a car without Judy, please?

  Toby Wright : You want hookers? You like hooky fucky, sir?

• Suzy : So, this Liza, you shagged her, yeah?

  Toby Wright : What? No.

  Suzy : [to Judy]  Were you aware that he was ball deep in some Washington wonk?

  Toby Wright : Suzy!

  Suzy : What?

  Judy : I don't know anything about his balls.

  Toby Wright : Can we just not discuss my balls and accusations in...

  Suzy : Just tell me why. Huh?

  Toby Wright : I don't know, Suzy. It was very weird over there, very intense.

  Suzy : Right.

  Toby Wright : Maybe, I dunno, on some level, subconsciously, it was, like, a... it was just... it was a last ditch attempt to stop this awful war, you know.

  Michael Rodgers , Judy : [begin to snigger] 

  Toby Wright : Just on a... just, I mean... you know, I don't mean, obviously, to try and... to try and actually stop it...

  Michael Rodgers : [laughing]  That's classic!

  Suzy : Toby, did you just say that you had sex to stop the war?

  Toby Wright : No, no, no.

  Suzy : An anti-war shag? Is that what you thought, Toby? 'Cause that's... wow.

• Suzy : [upon being cheated by Toby]  Has she got big tits?

  Toby Wright : [protesting Suzy's reaction]  Oh, Christ alive. Yes, actually, she has. She has got massive tits, yes! You should look them up on Google Earth. You can see that they have got their own postcode.

• Toby Wright : I know you're worried. But don't. Don't worry.