Peep Show (TV Series)

Jeremy's Broke (2008)

Robert Webb: Jeremy Usborne

Quotes 

• [at a sperm bank] 

  Jeremy Usborne : [voiceover]  Right, time to open my sticky bank account. Hey, where the porn? No porn? Am I supposed to just dry hump myself? Must be something I can use.

  [he takes out a crumpled £20 note and looks at the image of the Queen printed on it] 

  Jeremy Usborne : [voiceover]  Would it be wrong? Why not? It's a free country.

  [he undoes his jeans and starts to masturbate] 

  Jeremy Usborne : [voiceover]  OK Queenie, it's back in the 50s, you're nice and young, you've just been coronated, I'm taking off your cloak... No, leave the crown on. Ooh, what's this? Stockings? You've been getting through your nylon ration book pretty quicky, you naughty, sexy Queen!

  [he drops the note] 

  Jeremy Usborne : [voiceover]  Oh shit.

  [he picks it up] 

  Jeremy Usborne : [voiceover]  Right, here we...

  [he's now looking at the other side, with the moustachioed face of Edward Elgar printed on it] 

  Jeremy Usborne : [voiceover]  Oh... Elgar? Oh, I've totally lost it now. Thanks a bunch, Elgar!

• Mark Corrigan : [comes into the lounge with an empty tub of Ben & Jerry's]  Recognize this, Jeremy? I went to get the Cherry Garcia out to defrost and look what I found inside!

  [he holds up a post-it note and reads it out] 

  Mark Corrigan : "Look, I know what you think happened and yes, you're right, I have eaten all your ice cream." This is it. This is the line, you have crossed the line.

  Jeremy Usborne : Read the mitigating circumstances, there are loads.

  Mark Corrigan : [pointing at his plate of sausages and mash]  A sausage has gone! Oh my God, Jeremy, a sausage is missing! Is this what it's come to? I've got to carry my food around with me now to stop you from... Right, well, I'm sorry, you've driven me to this!

  [he goes to the table and starts writing a list] 

  Jeremy Usborne : What are you doing?

  Mark Corrigan : I'm making a list of all household items that you have permission to consume.

  Jeremy Usborne : Oh, for God's sake.

  Mark Corrigan : Toilet paper, OK. Soap, OK, but not shower gel. And no razors, if you're poor, grow a beard. Tea bags are allowed, within limits.

  Jeremy Usborne : Limits? What limits?

  Mark Corrigan : No making a pie out of tea or anything weird.

  Jeremy Usborne : Look, Mark, lay off, will you? The thing is, and I keep meaning to tell you this, but basically, a few years ago Mummy gave me a nest egg and I kept on meaning to invest but it turns out I've spent it.

  Mark Corrigan : You ate your nest egg? You're meant to sit on your nest egg til it hatches, not eat it like some greedy, mad chicken. Well, the solution's obvious. Get a job.

  Jeremy Usborne : Yeah, fine, whatever, but it's difficult, you know? There just aren't that many media positions out there. That's the reality.

  Mark Corrigan : So? Do something else, get on your bike.

  Jeremy Usborne : I can't believe you're trying to make me get a job not in the media. You're such a bastard.

  Mark Corrigan : You have to pay rent, Jeremy, that needs to happen.

  [Jeremy picks up another sausage from Mark's plate] 

  Mark Corrigan : Put the sausage back. I'm deadly serious. You never pay any rent, if you start stealing from me as well, that it, you'll have to move out. This is the final straw.

  [Jeremy eats the sausage] 

  Jeremy Usborne : [voiceover]  Mmm, delicious Cumberland final straw, dripping in onion gravy.