- Lily Aldrin: Ted, if you murder me and bury me in New Jersey, I'll haunt you forever.
- Ted Mosby: What if I murder you and bury somewhere else?
- Lily Aldrin: Neh, I'll leave you alone. I'm sure you had your reasons.
- Barney Stinson: [after everyone refuses a fist bump] I am not putting my fist down until it gets the privilege of someone else's knuckles tapping lightly yet decisively.
- [Passes fist around]
- Barney Stinson: Pretty, pretty?... Pretty, pretty?... Then know this. Until my fist gets the respect it deserves - Nay, demands - it will not yield. It. Will. NOT! Yield.
- Barney Stinson: [after Lily returns his fist bump] Thank you, Lily. My arm hasn't been this sore since I was thirteen and first learned to lock my bathroom door. Up top!
- [Raises his hand for a high five; Lily just shakes her head no]
- Barney Stinson: Oh, no.
- Marshall Eriksen: I HATE NEW YORK! I'm sorry but it's true. Okay, today I was walking around Price Co. Have you ever been there? It's huge! All the stores in New York are so cramped, every time I turn I knock something over. I'm like some huge monster that came out of the ocean to destroy bodegas!... I hate it. I'M TOO BIG FOR NEW YORK! Okay? I'm always trying to fit into cramped, little subway seats, or duck under doorways that were built 150 years ago. Hey, guess what: People are bigger now! Build bigger doorways! What the hell is the matter with you?... And it's so loud. All the time! Yes, it's the city that never sleeps. Well, guess what: I like to sleep. I've been tired for eight years! Tired, and scared with black and blue marks on my elbows from trying to fit through all these tiny little elf doorways. New Jersey is great! It's got huge stores and lawns and you never have to carry a cup again. Not for the rest of your life. I'm not afraid to say it: I love New Jersey!
- Robin Scherbatsky: You guys should have seen the other women at this audition. They all had more experience than me, were more ethnic than me. There was an African American chick with blue eyes. How can I compete with that?
- Ted Mosby: I don't want to move to New Jersey.
- Stella Zinman: What?
- Ted Mosby: I can't do it. And I can't see any reason why you and Lucy shouldn't move to New York.
- Stella Zinman: Well, my daughter goes to school here. All of her friends are here. I've lived here my whole life. My whole family is here. This is my house. I'm on the PTA, and as of June 1, I'm the deputy mayor.
- Ted Mosby: [feebly] Yes, but my apartment is really close to the subway.
- Lily Aldrin: Okay, Stella this is crazy. You can't actually think that New Jersey is better than New York. New York has Broadway. We win right there.
- Barney Stinson: [Barney desperately tries to get someone to fist bump him] Oh, no, she did not. Knuckle up for safety.
- Stella Zinman: We have Atlantic City.
- Barney Stinson: Can't beat the A.C.
- [holding his fist]
- Barney Stinson: Pretty please? No one has to know.
- Ted Mosby: New York has Greenwich Village.
- Stella Zinman: New Jersey has The Shore.
- Lily Aldrin: Woody Allen.
- Barney Stinson: Oscar-winning chronicler of urban neuroses. Bump it!
- Stella Zinman: Bruce Springsteen.
- Ted Mosby: Sinatra.
- Stella Zinman: Yeah, he's from Hoboken... New Jersey!
- Ted Mosby: Yeah, but what city is he singing about? It's not 'Secaucus, Secaucus'.
- Stella Zinman: Ted, we're not moving, end of discussion.
- Ted Mosby: How can it be end of discussion if there's never been a discussion?
- Stella Zinman: This is part of being a parent. I can't just uproot Lucy.
- Ted Mosby: People with kids move all the time. And... I think it would be really great for Lucy to grow up in the greatest city in the world.
- Stella Zinman: Ah, here we go... New York's the greatest city in the whole wide world. It's where dreams come true and pigeon poop tastes like tapioca. Want to know a little secret, Ted? New Jersey is better than New York.
- Ted Mosby: [Ted is shocked, but Stella is unmoved] Better than...? You think...? I... The Empire State Buil... H and H Bage... Lincoln Ce... Zabar's... Papaya King. New York is the intellectual and cultural hub of the planet.
- Stella Zinman: New York is full of weirdoes, and snobs and mean people. Ted, do you know that once, an old lady actually called me a bitch and threw a cat in my face? And you want to know if that happened in New Jersey? 86th and Lex, right in front of your beloved little Papaya King. People are nice in New Jersey. I mean it's the kind of place where you know your neighbors.
- Ted Mosby: Hey, I know my neighbors.
- Stella Zinman: Oh, yeah? Like who?
- Ted Mosby: Right across the hall, I got... Clax... pa... mon.
- Stella Zinman: Claxpamon?
- Lily Aldrin: His name is Paxton.
- Ted Mosby: Love that dude.