- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [singing to the tune of "Jingle Bells"] Dashing through the sand, / With a bomb strapped to my back, / I have a nasty plan / For Christmas in Iraq. / I got through Checkpoint A, / But not through checkpoint B. / That's when I got shot in the ass / By the U.S. military.
- [the audience applauds]
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [spoken] Silence! I'm not finished!
- [audience laughs]
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: And this is a sad song!
- [singing]
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Oh, / Jingle bombs, jingle bombs, / Mine blew up, you see. / Where are all the virgins / That Bin Laden promised me? / Oh, / Jingle bombs, jingle bombs, / U.S. soldiers shot me dead. / The only thing that I have left / Is this towel upon my head. / I used to be a man, / But every time I cough, / Thanks to Uncle Sam, / My nuts keep falling off.
- [Dunham and Guitar Guy look at where Achmed's groin should be]
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [spoken] Stop looking, you perverts!
- [to a woman in the audience]
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: You can look, badonkadonk chick. And I have an Irish wiener. It's magically delicious!
- [to Dunham]
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Okay, that's funny. I give you that one. That was good.
- [singing]
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: My bombing days are done. / I need to find some work. / Perhaps it would be much safer / As a convenient store night clerk. / Oh, / Jingle bombs, jingle bombs, / I think I am screwed. / Don't laugh at me because I'm dead / Or I kill you!
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Oh, crap, not again.
- [Looks at his feet]
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Apparently I have polio, too.
- Jeff Dunham: Well, anybody with poliosis should certainly... Oh, wait.
- [laughing]
- Jeff Dunham: Wait a minute.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: What the fuck is poliosis?
- Peanut: [singing to the tune of "O Tannenbaum"] Oh, Jef-fa-fa, Oh Jef-fa-fa, / Without me, you would su-ca-ka. / Oh, Jef-fa-fa, Oh, Jef-fa-fa, / You are my bitch!
- Jeff Dunham: José, what do you want for Christmas?
- Peanut: I think he needs a bigger stick.
- José Jalapeño on a Stick: That's not what your mother said!
- Jeff Dunham: [reading "The Night Before Christmas"] "'Twas the night before Christmas..."
- Peanut: And all the Jews were at the movies!
- [laughter]
- Peanut: Or eating Chinese food.
- [more laughter; Jeff stares at Peanut]
- Peanut: I'm just trying to include *everybody*!
- Walter: I'm very happy for the African-Americans that they have the Kwanzaa holiday.
- Jeff Dunham: Yeah?
- Walter: How come there's no all-white holidays?
- Jeff Dunham: [laughing] What?
- Walter: Merry Caucasia! Tonight, we'll be having our customary Caucasia dinner: meatloaf and tater tots. Then we'll be singing our traditional Caucasian songs, "Free Bird" and "Margaritaville".
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: My life sucks.
- Jeff Dunham: Maybe you should talk to somebody who's had trouble in their lives as well.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I don't know anybody like that.
- Jeff Dunham: You could talk to Walter.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [Gasps] He's not around here, is he?
- Jeff Dunham: Well yeah, he's back stage.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [Shudders]
- Jeff Dunham: Why are you afraid of Walter?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: He's one mean son of a bitch.
- Jeff Dunham: Well, I'm sorry you're frightened of him.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Thanks
- Jeff Dunham: Can I do anything for you?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Really?
- Jeff Dunham: Yeah, whatever.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Could you hold me? I'm not kidding, just a little bit.
- Jeff Dunham: [Holds Achmed]
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Is that Aqua Velva?
- Jeff Dunham: [Dunham is laughing very hard at what Achmed said and Guitar Guy is laughing too and looks at Dunham] Don't look at me!
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: That's what she said!
- Walter: [Looking around the theater] Well, they did a hell of a job painting the gym.
- Jeff Dunham: It's not a gymnaisum. Look.
- [points up a balcony]
- Walter: [looking up at balcony] Oh, yeah...
- Jeff Dunham: Look.
- Walter: [looking up at balcony] Hey.
- [calling up to balcony]
- Walter: Jump!
- [after Guitar Guy plays a short string of stereotypical Arabic music]
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: You racist bastard!
- [laughter]
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Is that what you think I like?
- [laughter]
- Jeff Dunham: [Peanut and Jose told Jeff they all went skiing] So how did the trip go?
- Peanut: It was a disaster.
- José Jalapeño on a Stick: Si.
- Jeff Dunham: What happened?
- Peanut: Achmed broke his leg.
- José Jalapeño on a Stick: The bone was sticking out.
- Peanut: It's always sticking out.
- Jeff Dunham: Did you put a splint on it?
- Peanut: Of course.
- Jeff Dunham: What'd you use?
- José Jalapeño on a Stick: Me.
- Jeff Dunham: [trying to read "The Night Before Christmas"] "The stockings were hung by the chimney with care..."
- Peanut: "... and believe me, the room could use some fresh air." Seriously, how the hell did that tradition start?
- Jeff Dunham: What?
- Peanut: Hanging up dirty laundry, hoping Santa would fill them with goodies? Ewwww! I'd like to suck on this candy cane, but it smells like Dad's feet! Good thing the tradition wasn't jockstraps. "Sally, what's in yours?" "Nuts. And Mommy says they're magically delicious!"
- Jeff Dunham: [to Bubba J] You lit Santa on fire?
- Bubba J.: No, the damn fireplace did!
- Jeff Dunham: And what happened?
- Bubba J.: Whoosh! He burst into flames like Marilyn Manson at a Baptist revival!
- Jeff Dunham: Bubba J, that's awful!
- Bubba J.: That's why I'm still in therapy. It was hard to hear Santa go from "Ho ho ho" to "Ho ho holy shit!"
- Peanut: You know how else I know you do drugs? Because your looking in my eye and you actually think I'm looking back.
- Jeff Dunham: [asking about the ski trip where Achmed broke his leg] So, when did this happen?
- Peanut: During the avalanche...
- Jeff Dunham: Avalanche?
- José Jalapeño on a Stick: Achmed started it.
- Peanut: We told him not bring that bomb!
- Jeff Dunham: [Jeff looks at Peanut in disbelief] He had a bomb?
- José Jalapeño on a Stick: On a stick.
- Jeff Dunham: [Jeff is once more looking around in disbelief] And why did Achmed have a bomb?
- José Jalapeño on a Stick: I think he's a workaholic...
- Jeff Dunham: So what happened after the avalanche?
- José Jalapeño on a Stick: We were trapped in the snow for three days.
- Jeff Dunham: Wow. Did you have anything to eat?
- Peanut: [whispering to Jeff] A jalapeño...
- [nods at José]
- Jeff Dunham: What I'd like to do is something that's been a tradition every Christmas Eve in my family for many years.
- Peanut: We're going to get drunk and throw up.
- [laughter]
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I've got a favor to ask of you, infidel.
- Jeff Dunham: What?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: When we're finished here, will you come caroling with me?
- [laughter]
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: What?
- Jeff Dunham: You go Christmas caroling?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Oh, yes. I love to Christmas carol.
- Jeff Dunham: Like, what do you sing?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Umm... "Bin Laden is Coming to Town."
- [laughter]
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: "O Holy Crap."
- [laughter]
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [to the tune of "O Holy Night"] Oh, holy crap. I think I blew my foot off.
- [laughter]
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: And then my favorite: "SILENCE! Night."
- [laughter]
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Thank you. And then I've got another one: "Jingle Bombs." Would you like me to sing "Jingle Bombs"?
- Jeff Dunham: You can sing?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Oh, yes.
- Jeff Dunham: All right. What the heck?
- Jeff Dunham: Jose does not run to the border.
- Peanut: You're right. He goes "doing, doing, doing doingdoingdoing."
- [laughter]
- Jeff Dunham: [Santa accidentally burned himself in Bubba J's fireplace] Why didn't you grab the nearest liquid and put him out?
- Bubba J.: That would've been a waste of beer.
- Jeff Dunham: What about water?
- Bubba J.: We don't drink that crap.
- Jeff Dunham: So how'd you put him out?
- Bubba J.: I peed on him. Yeah, I've entered a new step to that list.
- Jeff Dunham: What list?
- Bubba J.: Stop, drop and quit rolling around so I can piss on you!
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Hey! How do I have phlegm?
- [laughter]
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I don't have an esophagus! Didn't think that one through, did you?
- Jeff Dunham: [comment on his wife's video of his daughter driving] Next time my daughter pisses me off, that video is going on YouTube, damn it.
- Jeff Dunham: Jose, what does Christmas mean to you?
- José Jalapeño on a Stick: It's the day Jesus
- [pronounces it Hesus]
- José Jalapeño on a Stick: was born.
- Jeff Dunham: That's right.
- Peanut: I didn't know your gardener was born on Christmas.
- [laughter]
- Peanut: Hey, Hesus, Happy Birthday man. Today you can skip the leaves.
- Jeff Dunham: [to Walter] Happy holidays.
- Walter: You know, I've been wanting to say this for a couple of years now: screw you, it's "Merry Christmas".
- Jeff Dunham: [about "The Night Before Christmas"] You are ruining this story!
- Peanut: Well, you're the pervert eating out of your own jockstrap!
- Jeff Dunham: You have on a disguise?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Silence! I kill you!
- [audience cheers]
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Silence! I kill you, too!
- [audience cheers again]
- Jeff Dunham: [reading "The Night Before Christmas"] "... not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse."
- Peanut: A mouse? You wish! You're in an apartment; that's a rat!
- Jeff Dunham: [reading "The Night Before Christmas"] "He was dressed all in fur from his head to his foot, / And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot."
- Peanut: Fat, drinking and driving, and a furry gay outfit, covered in soot, he's smoking, and you let him in the house because he said he had something for your kids.
- [shakes his head]
- Peanut: What the hell kind of father are you anyway? If I were you, I'd check his I.D., then taser his fat ass! And how fat is this guy anyway? Everyone's always leaving him plates full of cookies. I think he's a diabetic, too, don't you think? You gotta leave a plate full of insulin! How about that? I can't wait to hear the story next year: "The Night Before Christmas, Part Two: Santa's On Dialysis and He's Missing a Leg"! And all his little dollies have poliosis!
- Jeff Dunham: [exasperated] Can I finish this story?
- Peanut: Oh, please do.
- Jeff Dunham: Bubba J, I understand you've been writing Santa a letter.
- Bubba J.: Yeah, I done it on a computer.
- Jeff Dunham: Ah. Did you mail it to him?
- Bubba J.: [laughs] No.
- Jeff Dunham: Why?
- Bubba J.: My computer won't fit in the mailbox! Walter's right, you are a dumbass!
- [laughs again]
- Jeff Dunham: [In The Christmas Tips Feature] Remember, never use electric lights on a metallic Christmas tree.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Or the tree could EXPLODE and then you'd look like me.
- [laughs Evilly]
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Merry Christmas, infidels!
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I can't wait to see Santa Claus. I sit on his knee, I tell him what I want, then I blow him up!
- Jeff Dunham: [reading "The Night Before Christmas"] "As I drew in my bed and was turning around,/Down the chimney Saint Nicholas came with a bound."
- Peanut: He fell down.
- Jeff Dunham: Yes.
- Peanut: And didn't you say his face was all red?
- Jeff Dunham: Yeah.
- Peanut: Why doesn't anyone see this? He is drunk off his ass! This is a horrible, horrible story!
- Jeff Dunham: So, Achmed, are you trying to impersonate someone?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I'm Santa Claus, damn it. I look just like him. I'm jolly.
- [Nudges left and right]
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: And I'm fat-ish.
- Jeff Dunham: You're not fat.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I am if I'm a supermodel.
- [Crowd laughs weakly]
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Screw you, that's funny!
- Jeff Dunham: You're fat? Well, what happened to your big, fat tummy?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [looking around the theater] It's over there, over there and up there.
- Jeff Dunham: Your disguise is this Christmas hat?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: No! Don't say "Christmas"! It's a holiday hat.
- Jeff Dunham: Why can't I say "Christmas"?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: You offend the other infidels.
- Jeff Dunham: You're afraid of offending people?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Yeah.
- Jeff Dunham: You're... you're a terrorist. You kill people.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: That's different.
- [laughter]
- Jeff Dunham: What?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Killing folks is easy. Being politically correct is a pain in the ass.
- [laughter]
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Last week, I thought I had scoliosis.
- [Guitar Guy cracks up, but tries to contain it]
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: This is where Jeff makes up crap just to make Guitar Guy laugh.
- [laughter]
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: [to Guitar Guy] You think that's funny? You told me I was twisted; I thought you meant my sense of humor. Wait till you get scoliosis, Guitar Guy. You'll be playing that thing behind your head because you have to.
- [Guitar Guy cracks up again]
- Jeff Dunham: [trying to read "The Night Before Christmas"] "'Twas the night before Christmas, / And all through the house..."
- Peanut: Why is it always a house?
- Jeff Dunham: What?
- Peanut: There's kids who live in apartments. How does Santa Claus get to the kids in the apartments, Uncle Jeffy? They had to buzz his ass in.
- [mimics doorbell buzzing]
- Peanut: Santa Claus!
- Peanut: [Jeff is reading "The Night Before Christmas"] We have to get to the part where Santa gets busted for breaking and entering. Where the hell is that?
- Jeff Dunham: It's not breaking and entering.
- Peanut: Oh, keep reading. I think it qualifies.
- Jeff Dunham: [reading 'The Night Before Christmas'] ... 'not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.'
- Peanut: A mouse? You wish. You're in an apartment. That's a rat!
- Jeff Dunham: [reading "The Night Before Christmas"] "With mommy in her kerchief and I in my cap, / Had just settled down..."
- Peanut: "... for a big snort of crack!"
- [audience laughter, Peanut looks at Guitar Guy]
- Peanut: Oh, Guitar Guy, you're in the story, too.
- Jeff Dunham: [after Achmed tries to sound like Santa Claus] Santa goes Ho, Ho, Ho.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: That's what I said, Heh, Heh, Heh.
- Jeff Dunham: Ho, Ho.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Heh, Heh.
- Jeff Dunham: Ho.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I don't have any lips, you ass.
- Jeff Dunham: [to Achmed] You don't look anything like Santa Claus.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Well, I sound just like him.
- Jeff Dunham: What?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I can do his laugh perfectly.
- Jeff Dunham: Really?
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Yeah, you want to hear?
- Jeff Dunham: Yeah.
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Okay, here we go.
- [laughs evilly]
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Merry Christmas! I kill you!
- [laughs]
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Happy Hanukkah! Not!
- [singing]
- Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Kringle, Kringle, Kringle! I need another dynamite!
- [last lines]
- Jeff Dunham: [reading "The Night Before Christmas"] "He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle..."
- Peanut: "Gotta go quick, 'cause there's a cop with a pistol."
- Jeff Dunham: "But I heard him exclaim ere he drove out of sight..."
- Peanut: "'Merry Christmas to all! Oh, crap, I ran over your bike!'"
- Jeff Dunham: [to audience] You guys have been a great audience! Thanks for coming tonight!
- Jeff Dunham: You know, Bubba J, I took the opportunity of printing your letter for you.
- [looks at small piece of paper]
- Jeff Dunham: And I notice when I printed it, the ink was kind of weird.
- Bubba J.: Uh, that's because I was runnin' out of ink, so I mixed it with beer.
- Jeff Dunham: You mixed beer with ink?
- Bubba J.: Yeah. And if you smell that thing when you're reading it, you get a contact drunk. I learned that from Guitar Guy!