Riverworld (2010 TV Movie)

Mark Deklin: Sam Clemens

Photos 

Quotes 

• Allegra Braccioforte de Venezia : Start the engines and get us out of here.

  Samuel Clemens : Not yet. We have an agreement with Mr. Ellman.

  Allegra Braccioforte de Venezia : You really meant all that? I thought you had more sense.

  Samuel Clemens : Sometimes I don't know why I tolerate you.

  Allegra Braccioforte de Venezia : Well, we know it's not for my cooking.

• Hal Douglas : Do people actually do this for fun?

  Samuel Clemens : Well, it is an unassailable fact that, as a recreational activity, mountain-climbing appears chiefly to lunatics, suicides, and the British.

  Simon Porter : Like rugby.

  Samuel Clemens : Are you trying to upstage me, Mr. Porter?

  Simon Porter : Not likely, Mark Twain.

  Youseff Mbaye : Do you want to stand here talking all day, or do you want to climb a mountain?

  Samuel Clemens : You know, Sergeant Mbaye, if I ever novelize our adventures, you will be facing a considerable rewrite.

• Samuel Clemens : And as to whether or not we can trust you, Mr. Ellman, I suppose we shall see... directly.

• Amalie Fabarge : Half twain.

  Samuel Clemens : Six feet! I've stepped in deeper puddles.

• Francisco Pizarro : I am not that easy to kill.

  Samuel Clemens : [Shoots Pizarro]  Sure you are.

  Francisco Pizarro : Clemens.

  Samuel Clemens : Hello, Francisco

  Francisco Pizarro : Coward! In the back?

  Samuel Clemens : I find if you must shoot a dangerous animal, it's best to do it from behind and at a considerable distance.

  [shoots him again, killing him] 

  Samuel Clemens : Strange. I thought I'd enjoy that.

• Richard Burton : Captain Sir Richard Francis Burton. My friends call me "Dick."

  Samuel Clemens : Burton? The explorer? You know, I read one of your books. It was amateurish, unnecessarily crude and pathetically self-congratulatory.

  Richard Burton : Mr. Clemens. You know, I'm confused. Are you talking about my work, or yours?

• Richard Burton : Now, Mr. Clemens, if you'll set down your weapon, we can discuss the terms of your surrender.

  Samuel Clemens : "Surrender" is not in my vast vocabulary.

  Richard Burton : How about "bollocks?" Is that in your vast vocabulary?

• Samuel Clemens : We are never gonna catch 'em by followin' the river. We're tortoises... and that hare ain't gettin' any slower.

• Youseff Mbaye : Maybe this is not the time.

  Samuel Clemens : I'm pontificating.

• Samuel Clemens : You, sir, are a most despicable example of human kind.

  Richard Burton : Why, thank you. Mr Ellman, I'm disappointed, I saved your life once, where's the gratitude?

  Matt Ellman : I'll send flowers.

  Richard Burton : Roses, I find work for any occasion.

• Samuel Clemens : Captain Samuel Clemens, at your service.

  Matt Ellman : Samuel Clemens? As in Mark Twain?

  Samuel Clemens : Guilty as charged.

• Samuel Clemens : The only real enemy in this life is despair, my friend.

• Matt Ellman : [to Sam]  So now, if I do this, how do I know you'll keep your end of the bargain and help me find Jessie?

  Allegra Braccioforte de Venezia : You don't. It's a quandary, I know, but... look at his face. Would this face lie to you?

  Matt Ellman : In a heartbeat.

  Samuel Clemens : [dryly chuckles]  It's true - I'm a habitual mendicant, but I pay my debts, not because I'm honest, but because I dislike intensely being obliged to another man. So, if you give me your assistance you will have my help in my return. Measure for measure.