User Reviews

Do you love seeing your favourite WWF/WWE/TNA star battle it out against a bunch of hillbilly swamp-things? If you do, please hide your innocent mind from this giant regurgitated turd of a film...Do you want something to laugh at? Please just watch re-runs of "Friends"... Are you sadomasochistic & get pleasure out of the pain your eyes & ears experience when you watch a really horrible film? PLEASE I BEG YOU, SPARE YOURSELF FROM THIS HELL!

Alright let me calm down & explain myself before you all think I'm going off on a tangent. The premise of this story is quite simply explained; a country town (by a river- go figure) suddenly becomes plagued with a series of unexplained slayings. This is where Kurt 'the wannabe rock' Angle steps in as the simpleton hick sheriff who is entrusted with the task of solving these brutal homicides as well as expressing deep emotions at key points & delivering the correct lines from his script on cue (much like his fake wrestling persona I suppose). Anyhow, our buff sheriff with his years of detective work finds himself with no other option but to walk around town brandishing the confidential & explicit crime scene photos to every dog & his aunt in hope of, of uhmm...a confession? Heck maybe he thinks he can get the truth out of one of those demonic redneck fisherman from I Know What You Did Last Summer? So as the plot progresses we find out that the bodies have carvings of the term "HIX" written on them (I would make a joke out of that but I can't be stuffed), anyway the sheriff finds out that this is the last name of a weirdo recluse named Harvey Hix who headed a group of vigilantes that murdered the Jacobs brothers, played by Kevin Nash & Psycho Sid Vicious (don't worry they have no real back story other than being two 6' 10" hobos who never had pro-wrestling careers to begin with).

Actually I think that is a touch mean spirited comment by me, I should really praise all of those pro-wrestling fans out there who spend every waking moment of their lives supporting their heroes in films like this. Now enough of the sentiment & back to the plot; so the brothers have been summoned from their watery graves after 30 years because God makes rules about releasing souls after a set time so that they can exact their revenge on the townsfolk who had nothing to do with their deaths- much like how Jason Voorhees takes out his anger issues on those innocent teens at Camp Crystal Lake; actually no sorry my apologies, that exciting comparison is not what this film is like. So anyway that covers about 40 minutes into the plot & I basically daydreamed for the rest of the time so I can only assume that everything ended peacefully with enough room for a sequel.

In the very least I think it's safe to class this film as a direct-to-VHS bargain bin trash-fest. However I think that summary is a little too classy & upbeat to truly summarise this seething pile of goat spew accurately. Believe me guys I have seen some bad films; if you don't believe me just look at the list of films I have already reviewed. The actors in an Ulli Lommel film give more heartfelt, genuine performances than most of the actors in this one. Even I struggled to get through it without needing to fast forward through the horribly stagnant dialogue. I have to say without a doubt that this film was the longest 80 minutes I have ever spent watching any film. Don't even buy it if it's the price of a nickel because that metal will be worth more to humanity in the long run than this will be in an eternity!

0.5/5

The movie itself is pretty well filmed, and particularly the night scenes, replete with back lit creepy scenarios and suitably applied wafts of mist, make for good viewing. The best moments do actually come when the Jacobs family appear out of the mist and set about their tirade of terror. Fans of wrestling will no doubt delight in seeing the icons Psycho Sid Vicious and Kevin Nash apply their might to taking out the trash on the big screen. There really is something quite enjoyably quirky visible in their eyes when they swing that axe. Go Big Daddy 'Kill' !. This one is really for fans of the wrestling stars on show, and die hard 'B' movie horror fanatics easily forgiving of such well intentioned trite. Former Olympic champion Kurt Angle might have greater success in attaining future gold chasing the end of a rainbow than pursuing a serious acting career, but if he can take himself less seriously in future roles it could be good times for all. Oh it's true, it's damn true !.

Here really isn't much to this film. Kurt plays an atheist sheriff (not that it played into the film) who is attempting to solve murders in a small river town. There really wasn't much acting, not much of a soundtrack and not much of a plot. At first I thought this was an attempt at a Christian slasher movie, but it really failed there too as the heavy religion aspect didn't play any kind of role.

As a bad or campy film, it lacks there too. The dialogue was dry. I would say avoid at all costs.

Parental Guide: No f-bombs, sex, or nudity. $3.99 for a rental? They need to pay you to watch it. This should be out on some cheap sci-fi 12 pack.

The worst acting i have ever seen in a film finally forced me to turn off after just 10 minutes!!! I don''t think this film was cast at all, more a case of first to show up got a part. The dialogues is so contrived, almost as if they are reading from the back of their hands and an attempt at an Irish accent by the priest was so bad it was hilarious.

Don't bother, if you are a serious horror fan you will be more than disappointed to say the least.

The crew & actors should be ashamed at just how bad they have made this film and have probably set a new standard in 'BAD', well done

I've seen a lot of movies...good and bad, and from all over the world... but this must be one of the worst movies ever.. Top of my worsts movies is the unbelievable bad Reno 911..but River of Darkness is not so far away, believe me. In a small town down south,there's a sheriff,one of those wrestling guys who have anything better to do than bluff, scream to each other, hit with chairs,and pretend they hurt each other. OK, so this sheriff in a small peaceful town got a killer,he roams around with his truck asking questions to people but anyone seems to really give him an answer.The town must have 15 people because he keeps returning to the same places and asking the same people for help. One of the things that made me laugh was his stare after he saw the dead hanging from the boat, he just stare at nothing like he was actually thinking...LOL. Anyway, his brilliant deputy is so smart or he must have all figure it out by now that he reads magazines and answer the phone. Doesn't matter if it is a troubled woman with her daughter missing or a guy who claims he saw a guy in a burlap sack, he just take his time to react. The sheriff is an unbeliever, so to understand what is going on he thinks the best way is to hear an old lady praying and mumbling apocalyptic words all the time.. Turns out about 30 years ago a group lead by a vigilante name Hix killed an old man and his 3 slow thinking sons because a girl accused one of them of raping. When the "evil spirits" shows up they look like if they felt in mud,reminds me of Schwazzenegger in Predator when he puts mud on his face to cover from the alien heat scanner. The folks in town are mad because they think his sheriff cant and wont do anything about the murders, so they take matters into own hands once more and sends the lead vigilante Hix to the death tied up on a boat in the river. And there you go,simple as they came only God knows why ( anyone in the movie seems to know why they showed up 30 years after )they go away.. So, if you want to waste 1 hour and 24 minutes of your life just go and stare at the water in the toilet..for real

Somehow, someone, somewhere decided that a remix of Striking Distance - a movie that means more in Pittsburgh than anywhere else in the world - and The Fog should star a bunch of pro wrestlers and our world is all the better, particularly because they decided that Kurt Angle should play the lead, Sheriff Will Logan.

That someone is probably director and writer Bruce Koehler, who also made American Ouija. He cast Sid Vicious and Kevin Nash as the spectral Jacobs brothers, as well as the one-time Glacier Ray Lloyd and local Pittsburgh wrestler Jason Winn "J. B. Destiny" Bareford, once an assistant to George Romero and the 2007 Guinness World Record holder for the Most Consecutive Kicks To One's Own Head in Sixty Seconds, which he won by kicking himself 57 times in the head in one minute. He plays Angle's deputy in here. And that Dave Hawk guy in the credits? He was Angle's manager when this was filmed.

Pittsburgh movie fans will probably more excited to see first zombie - and the maker of Flesheater - S. William Hinzman as well as noted Steel City stage legend Bingo O'Malley.

It's shocking that this movie has an IMDB estimated budget of $3 million dollars, a budget I would be keen to dismiss. But who knows? It's not the first movie that Angle made with Koehler, as End Game was the first. There's also Death from Above, which adds Tom Savini and Robert Z'Dar to the yinzer and pro wrestling cast. Oh yeah - Matt Morgan, Rhyno, ODB and James Storm are all in that, so the TNA influence was heavy. Seeing as how it was also shot in Pittsburgh, I guess I'll have to watch that too.

I'm pretty sure that if you are still reading the reviews on this movie by the time you get to mine, you're just doing it for the sheer schadenfreude of it. With that in mind, here is my review:

I'll start out by using a line from the movie "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" when King Arthur, Sir Robin, Bors, and crew encounter the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog, "Run Away!! RUN AWAY!!!" Believe the hype, folks, because River of Darkness really IS that bad, and you really SHOULD run away.

Here are just a few of my favourite horrifically acted scenes: #1. Toward the beginning of the movie, Kurt Angle's character is either trying to say "Mother of God" or "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph", but what actually comes out of his mouth is "Mother of Mary and Joseph". Call me a slacker on my Bible lessons, but I'm really quite certain that Mary and Joseph did not share the same mother. Quite certain, indeed.

NEXT!!! #2. At a scene where a rabble of rednecks are sitting around talking about the murders that have just recently taken place, one of them is quick to point out that, "...there is an old wise tale..." Old WISE tale? Sure, I get it that there is such a thing as "old wise tales", but you can tell from the emphasis that the reddy puts on certain words that he was obviously going for "old WIVES tale". No one had the nerve to say, "CUT!!" and tell the guy the error of his ways?

And my favourite one of all: #3. Afer there have been several grisly murders down by ye olde River of Darkness, a scene happens along in this film that utterly defies explanation and logic. It starts with a woman sitting at a kitchen table and peeling potatoes, and it's dark outside. As she is peeling the spuds, her 7-8-year-old daughter comes downstairs, putting on her jacket and telling her mother that she is going down to the river (yes...the river of darkness) to catch crawdads or minnows or lightning bugs, etc. Her mother, wanting to be a good mother, asks her the following question, "Have you finished all your homework?" Really?? Yeah, really. And then, upon finding out that her daughter has been thwacked by said grisly murderers by the river of darkness, the mother has the gall to blame the frickin' sheriff!! Somebody call that credit card company because this is priceless.

A couple of things about this movie before I close. The writer/director of this movie and Kurt Angle are from Pittsburgh, PA, and since this is where the movie is shot, I feel pretty certain the powers that be on this film just went and raided the local Pittsburgh SAG Rolodex. All of the minor roles in this film...aka people that die...are either from Pittsburgh or have hardly any other acting credentials to speak of on their IMDb page. Also, there was an editor on this movie. ???!!!!! I know...that's what I said. Honest to Pete, I'd LOVE to see the takes that didn't make this film. Finally, it says in the IMDb file for this movie that it had an estimated budget of somewhere in the ballpark of 3.3 million dollars. I really wish they had spent some of that money on a decent camera. This whole film looks like it was shot from somebody's flip phone. Although, I'm pretty sure the most expensive cameras that money could buy wouldn't have been able to save this movie from becoming a soon to be viewed Mystery Science Theater 3000 subject.