The Infidel (2010)

Richard Schiff: Lenny Goldberg

Photos 

Quotes 

• [Mahmud tells Lenny his real name] 

  Lenny Goldberg : Solly Shimshillewitz? Why didn't they just call you "Jewe-jew-jew-jew-jew" and be done with it?

• Mahmud Nasir : Americans shouldn't bloody be driving a black cab anyway!

  Lenny Goldberg : Asshole.

  Mahmud Nasir : I'm going to tell my family! I am!

  Lenny Goldberg : You know what? I don't give a fuck.

  Mahmud Nasir : Anti-Semite!

  Lenny Goldberg : Islamophobe!

• [Lenny has parked his cab in Mahmud's reserved space] 

  Mahmud Nasir : You've got a real fucking nerve...

  Lenny Goldberg : I know I should never have rubbed that fuckin' lamp.

  Mahmud Nasir : [Surprised]  You American?

  Lenny Goldberg : [In Cockney accent]  Nah, I'm a... I'm a Cockney sparrow.

  Mahmud Nasir : Come on, move your cab.

  Lenny Goldberg : Beg your pardon? What happened to that famed Islamic politeness?

  Mahmud Nasir : You saw the space was marked! Move your fucking cab!

  Lenny Goldberg : Look, pal, I've lived here for fifteen years. I'll park wherever I wanna park!

  Mahmud Nasir : Just move it up a bit further up the road, alright!

  Lenny Goldberg : I like that spot. I always park there.

  Mahmud Nasir : Oh, yeah, I get it now. It's a bit like the occupied territories, isn't it?

  Lenny Goldberg : Ah, here it is! Here it comes, the Anti-Semitic stuff, you heard it here first!

  Mahmud Nasir : I'm not being Anti-Semitic.

  Lenny Goldberg : Oh no? What else ya wanna call me, eh? Kyke? Beagle breath? Floor by two? Neo con?

  Mahmud Nasir : Bollocks. I'm not being Anti-Semitic. Yeah? I can't be.

  Lenny Goldberg : Yeah? Why not?

  Mahmud Nasir : Because I'm a fucking Jew!

  [pauses and looks around for listeners] 

  Mahmud Nasir : [Whispering]  I'm a Jew... shit! Don't you dare tell anyone.

  Lenny Goldberg : I'm the shoebomber. Pleasure to meet you.

  Mahmud Nasir : No, listen to me. I've just found out I was adopted by Muslims. My real parents were Jews.

  Lenny Goldberg : [laughing]  Why should I believe you?

  Mahmud Nasir : Why the fuck should I make it up?

  Lenny Goldberg : Yeah, good point.

• Lenny Goldberg : I know. Word association.

  Mahmud Nasir : Dah, what are you talking about?

  Lenny Goldberg : Come on, a word association.

  Mahmud Nasir : What for?

  Lenny Goldberg : Car?

  Mahmud Nasir : Volvo.

  Lenny Goldberg : Right on. Happy?

  Mahmud Nasir : Ish.

  Lenny Goldberg : Two outta three. Crystal?

  Mahmud Nasir : Nakht.

  Lenny Goldberg : Hm, even I would have said "palace". Still, I don't believe...

  Mahmud Nasir : No, wait, listen, listen... no listen to me. I real name, or rather my birth name...

  [Does inverted commas] 

  Lenny Goldberg : Please don't do that.

  Mahmud Nasir : ...is Solly Shimshillewitz.

  Lenny Goldberg : Solly Shimshillewitz?

  Mahmud Nasir : Now do you believe me?

  Lenny Goldberg : Why didn't they just call you "Jewe-jew-jew-jew-jew" and be done with it?

  Mahmud Nasir : [Irritated]  It was nice talking to you.

  [Walks off] 

  Lenny Goldberg : That's almost as Jewy a name as "Izzy Shimshillewitz".

  Mahmud Nasir : What was that?

  Lenny Goldberg : Izzy Shimshillewitz. Used to live around here years ago.

  Mahmud Nasir : There's an Izzy Shimshillewitz? Where is he? Is he still alive? Where is he?

  Lenny Goldberg : Fuck knows.

• Mahmud Nasir : Anti-Semite!

  Lenny Goldberg : Islamophobe!

• Lenny Goldberg : Listen, Rabbi. My friend has drunk my chicken soup. He's danced like a Cossack in my living room, he told a funny story at a Bar Mitzvah and got a good laugh. I'm a Jew, and my friend is Jewish enough for me.

  Rabbi : [to Mahmud]  Come back when you've found a better teacher.

  Mahmud Nasir : And where do I find one of those, eh? Craig's list? Look, Rabbi, I haven't even told my wife and family about this!

  Rabbi : Well perhaps that's where you should start! Now if you don't mind, I've got a dying man's soul to take care of!

• Mahmud Nasir : So, uh, Jews?

  Lenny Goldberg : Yeah.

  Mahmud Nasir : Tell me about them.

  Lenny Goldberg : [laughing]  Okay. Uh, let's see: Where shall we start? I know, let's start with me - the archetype. The American Jew. As American as knish and Seinfeld and slavish support for Israel. You know, like my fellow countrymen, I didn't think there were any other Jews in the whole fuckin' world, especially not Britain. Britain, land of hope and pork. A Jew in Britain...

  [laughing] 

  Lenny Goldberg : That's just weird. That's like an American driving a Hackney carriage.

  [With accent] 

  Lenny Goldberg : "What a Yank with the knowledge? What's the bloody world coming too?" But no. In London alone, you've got your Hampstead liberal intellectual Jew; you've got your Pitter secular accountant Jew; you've got your Hamden Orthodox lawyer Jew; and scum of kosher scum, your Essex Jews, of which my ex-wife, who by the way, in case you were wondering, is why I came to this fucking country in the first place and why I know so much about its Jews.

  Mahmud Nasir : Knish?

  Lenny Goldberg : A doughy, kosher deep-fried dumpling. Oh, and then you've got your Israeli Jews: you know, Jews without angst, without guilt, so really not Jews at all. And then you've got your Jews for Jesus: What the fuck is that all about?