- [Gomez and Morticia are brushing their teeth before bedtime]
- Gomez Addams: As my mouth foams with toothpaste, so foams my heart with love!
- Uncle Fester: Wanna relive our safari days and shrink my head?
- Gomez Addams: Always, brother! But I promised my pet I'd read her the next two chapters of Uncle Spore's "Fungi of the World."
- Morticia Addams: Ah, the way Gomez reads each page it's as if Uncle Spore were here with us in the room.
- Gomez Addams: Well, he was, until Lurch hosed down the underside of the bed...
- [In the Normanmeyer's bedroom...]
- Mr. Normanmeyer: [waking from a nightmare] I'll have those mediums to you by Tuesday! Huh?... Fester!
- Mrs. Normanmeyer: Eek!
- Mr. Normanmeyer: How did you get in here?
- Uncle Fester: Oh, through the hole in the middle of your living room floor!
- Mrs. Normanmeyer: But we don't have a hole in our floor!
- Uncle Fester: [holding a shovel] You do now!
- Uncle Fester: Morticia says I need to learn how to enjoy my time alone and...
- [looks at a bandage on Normanmeyer's arm]
- Uncle Fester: What are you going to do with that bandage when you're done with it?
- Norman Normanmeyer: Get away!
- Uncle Fester: [strapped in an electric chair, nursing a black eye] Oh, that Norm, what a rough-and-tumble kind of guy! Have to love him...
- Mr. Normanmeyer: Wait a minute, a hopeless pinhead like you run a TV station?
- Pugsley Addams: Yeah!
- Mr. Normanmeyer: Why, never in my whole life have I heard of anything more ridiculous, more idiotic and... and bizarre!
- Uncle Fester: [tears of joy] I knew you'd approve, but wow! Your enthusiasm overwhelms me!
- [last lines]
- Norman Normanmeyer: Good night, puff cake.
- Mrs. Normanmeyer: Good night, beef chunk.
- Uncle Fester: Nighty-night, buckwheat!
- Norman Normanmeyer: Shut up!
- Uncle Fester: Oh, have to love him...
- [brushing their teeth in the bathroom]
- Morticia Addams: Darling, please don't rinse.
- Gomez Addams: Why, love?
- Morticia Addams: It's like you have hoof-and-mouth all over again.
- [the FTV satellite is heading for Happydale Heights]
- Morticia Addams: Darling, we can burn marshmallows like our night on Mount Vesuvius!
- Gomez Addams: Ah, Querida, the bag is in the pantry...
- Uncle Fester: Enjoy my time alone... hm. Enjoy my time alone...
- Morticia Addams: [behind a closed door] Oh Gomez...
- Uncle Fester: Well, actually, Norm old pal, I came over for a little advice.
- Norman Normanmeyer: How 'bout drop dead?
- Uncle Fester: [sighs] I wish it were that easy...
- Norman Normanmeyer: Why don't you read a book or watch TV, by yourself? On another continent, forever!
- Uncle Fester: TV? Yeah! Now you're cooking with gas! Oh, thanks, pal-o-rama! Wow! TV! I knew I could count on you when I'm down! This is just great...
- Uncle Fester: [channel surfing] What's with this city? They don't even have a decent TV show! Why, I could do a better job!... Yeah.
- Wednesday Addams: Dear Uncle, what mischief have you devised this morning?
- Uncle Fester: Behold, my own satellite TV station!
- Gomez Addams: Yes!
- Norman Normanmeyer: [answering the phone] Normanmeyer's.
- Uncle Fester: Hey, Normster, I think I've finally found my hitch TV stationist!
- Norman Normanmeyer: Wrong number!
- [hangs up. the phone rings]
- Uncle Fester: But with all this new pressure, I'll be needing your advice more than ever! We'll be talking all the time! Won't that be great?
- Norman Normanmeyer: No!
- [hangs up. the phone rings]
- Norman Normanmeyer: What?
- Uncle Fester: I was wondering... should my meteorologist be one of those scientific types, or, eh, one of those wacky obnoxious ones?
- Norman Normanmeyer: [dialing his phone] I got to go, Fester, I got another call! Hello?
- Uncle Fester: Sorry to interrupt me, but I have another question...
- Norman Normanmeyer: [Norman screams] Tell him I'm not here!
- [throws the phone into his wife's hands and runs, smack into Fester]
- Uncle Fester: Oh, I know how you feel, sometimes I'm not where I am either...
- Gomez Addams: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, vertebrates and invertebrates, F.T.V is on the air!
- Wednesday Addams: And now, witness if you dare, our first show, starring your favourite eight-foot butler, that perky bundle of fun: Ask Lurch!
- Gomez Addams: [narrating amidst tropical scenery] Tired of your regular vacations? Tired of the same old peaceful scenic trip year after year? Then kiss the mundane goodbye! Call Uncle Goner's Travel Agency today for that vacation with a twist!
- [a van is seen chugging along]
- Gomez Addams: Marvel at the majestic beauty of the Grand Canyon!
- [the van drives off a cliff]
- Gomez Addams: Behold the titanic wonder of Niagara Falls!
- [the van goes over the falls]
- Gomez Addams: Relive the elegance of the Orient Express!
- [the van goes into a tunnel and comes out impaled on a train engine]
- Gomez Addams: Or, if, you dare, discover the behind-the-scenes reality that made Gary Indiana famous!
- [the van is pulled into the train]
- Gomez Addams: Uncle Goner's Travel Agency! Call now!
- Norman Normanmeyer: [watching the advertisement] Oh, that's rich!
- Norman Normanmeyer: How would you like it if I took over your station?
- Uncle Fester: You, president of FTV? Oh, pinch me, I must be dreaming!
- Norman Normanmeyer: It's no dream, Fes, I'm dead serious!
- Uncle Fester: Pinch me anyway, please.
- Mr. Normanmeyer: [points out the window] Say, isn't that a six-car pile-up?
- Pugsley Addams: Cool!
- [the Addamses rush over to the window to check it out]
- Mr. Normanmeyer: [deactivating the satellite] Come on, baby, come on down...
- [the Addams return from the window depressed]
- Wednesday Addams: Darn the luck!
- Uncle Fester: Oh, buck it!
- Gomez Addams: Just another Johnson barbecue...
- Mr. Normanmeyer: Well, I guess my eyes aren't what they used to be...
- [Thanks to Normanmeyer, the city is in a mass panic]
- Uncle Fester: Wow!
- Gomez Addams: Not ten seconds on the job, and the man's already making his mark!
- [the F.T.V. satellite is going to crash into town]
- Pugsley Addams: [running outside] I want to be first!
- Wednesday Addams: [following Pugsley] No, me!
- Uncle Fester: Way to go, Normster!
- Uncle Fester: [picking a beetle off the Mayor's shoe] Can I have this?
- Norman Normanmeyer: Fester! Ewww!
- Uncle Fester: [receiving money] Thanks! It all goes into my Norm fund, you know!
- Morticia Addams: Only four more months, and you'll have enough to build that nice Mr. Normanmeyer a new home!
- Gomez Addams: Wait until he sees the underwater bowling alley!