The Addams Family (TV Series)
Hide and Go Lurch/Hook, Line and Stinkers/A Sword Fightin' Thing (1992)
John Astin: Gomez Addams
Quotes
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Uncle Fester : I tell yah, Gomez, that palooka's got eyes in the back of his head! Or was that Cousin Fluid?
Gomez Addams : No, he had ears on his ankles!
Uncle Fester : Oh, yeah. Man did he have a hard time buying shoes...
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Uncle Fester : Hey, we could always hide in my coat.
Gomez Addams : And suffer the same fate as Aunt Sticky when she climbed in?
Uncle Fester : Oh, yeah. I'm still having her electronically removed...
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Morticia Addams : Darling, remember what I wore on our honeymoon?
[holds up a pair of stocks]
Gomez Addams : Ah, Tish! You looked so good in mahogany...
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Pugsley Addams : Dad, Uncle Fester, what's the big deal about an old horn?
Gomez Addams : Only the greatest game we ever played, son!
Uncle Fester : Yeah, back when we were little fryers like you!
Gomez Addams : First, we blow the horn as loud as we could...
Uncle Fester : Hopefully passing out from hyperventilation...
[laughs]
Gomez Addams : ...then Lurch would have until midnight to find us!
Morticia Addams : And he always did.
Gomez Addams : Ah, that's right, Tish! In all those years, we never once could shake the big fella! Except that one time we tied him to the faultline...
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Wednesday Addams : Break a leg, Father.
Gomez Addams : Ah, I could only wish!
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[Gomez and Fester hide in a wardrobe]
Gomez Addams : We're off to a booming start, Fester!
[Lurch moans]
Uncle Fester : Darn!
Gomez Addams : The night's still young, old man!
[Gomez and Fester rush out]
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[Gomez and Fester masquerade as an American Gothic portrait]
Lurch : [as a cow disguise] Moooooooooooo.
Gomez Addams : Aha!
Uncle Fester : Yikes!
[Gomez and Fester rush out of the portrait]
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[Gomez and Fester hide in Cousin Itt's hair]
Gomez Addams : Think we lost him, Fester?
Lurch : [popping out from under Itt's hat] Uhhhh-uhhhh.
Gomez Addams : Well, thanks anyway, Itt.
[Itt jabbers]
Gomez Addams : By the way, old man, you missing a motorcycle?
Lurch : [producing a helmet] Yooouuur heeellmeeet...
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[in the middle of a desert]
Gomez Addams : [panting] Fester... the vultures are starting to circle...
Uncle Fester : Well, if you'd hold still for a second, one of them might land and start pecking.
Lurch : Leeeemmmmooonnnaaade?
Uncle Fester : Eh, hmmm. Shoot!
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[Fester brews up an invisibility serum]
Uncle Fester : Lurch can't find us if he can't see us...
Gomez Addams : To hiding!
[Gomez and Fester drink the serum and become invisible]
Gomez Addams : Ah. Now let's shed these clothes, and our invisibility will be complete!
[Both start to undress, and hand their clothes over to Lurch]
Gomez Addams : Thanks, Lurch...
Uncle Fester : Oh, not again!
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Gomez Addams : He found us in quicksand, he found us on the moon, he even found us in Aunt Ben's sundress!
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Uncle Fester : [brings out a remote] Brother of mine, I hoped it wouldn't come to this, but we do have one last hope: my emergency hiding place! I didn't want to tell you about it, but we are two desperate hombres!
Gomez Addams : Well, whatever it is, brother, do it.
[Fester presses the remote, and a 1000-ton weight crushes the two]
Lurch : Miisssteerrrrr Adddaaammms? Feesssteeerrr?
[Lurch walks away. The clock strikes midnight, and Gomez and Fester pull themselves out under the weight]
Gomez Addams : [in victorious agony] We did it, after all these years! The genius that is my brother! Not only have we finally outwitted Lurch, but we've gained the extra benefit of walking funny for weeks!
Uncle Fester : Well, I try.
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Gomez Addams : Well, Fester, I guess we'll never have to hide from Lurch again...
Uncle Fester : Yeah. No more humiliation, no more dragging our names through the mud...
Gomez Addams : What have we done?
[Fester starts crying and embraces his brother]
Pugsley Addams : Uh-oh! Somebody better do something...
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Wednesday Addams : Lurch has something to say - ahem! - does he not?
Lurch : Iiiiii leeeet yoouuuu wiiiinnnn.
Uncle Fester : Well, tie me up and paint bugs on my face!
Gomez Addams : You mean... we were duped, cheated, buffaloed?
Lurch : Biiiinnnngoooo.
Gomez Addams : [shakes Lurch's hand] Glad to hear it, governor! Thank you.
Uncle Fester : [hugs Lurch] Bless your artificial hearts!
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Morticia Addams : I'm off to the funeral parlour to preview next year's caskets. We do so need to replace the one in the bedroom.
Gomez Addams : Aunt Stiffy will appreciate it! Have fun, cara mia!
Morticia Addams : Au revoir, darling.
Gomez Addams : [excited] Tish! You spoke French!
[goes for Morticia's hand]
Morticia Addams : Gomez, dear, you're supposed to be relaxing.
Gomez Addams : Oh... ah... oh, that's right! Have fun, querida!
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Gomez Addams : [to Thing] So, you're ready to roughhouse, are you?... Then, catch me you must!
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Morticia Addams : Gomez, dear, are you feeling rested yet?
Gomez Addams : [in a spiked bed] Not yet!
Morticia Addams : Well, it certainly doesn't look very comfortable in there.
Gomez Addams : It's not! Before long, my back will be a twisted mass of pain!
Morticia Addams : Good!
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[Thing bangs a London drum]
Gomez Addams : Hey, what's that racket? I like it!
[Thing tosses Gomez a sword]
Gomez Addams : Sorry, Thing, old limb. Today is not for playing, today is for relaxing and... Huh?
[Thing chases Gomez]
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Gomez Addams : Well, Thing, if it's a fight you want, En garde!
[draws a sword]
Gomez Addams : Oh-oh! Wait, I spoke French!
[kisses his hand]
Gomez Addams : Nah...
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Pugsley Addams : Mom, why don't we just trash my old head vice? I'm too big for it now!
Wednesday Addams : Yes, and I've outgrown the comfort of Uncle Fester's pickled tonsils sloshing next to me at bedtime.
Gomez Addams : Because, my little ghastlings, we Addamses never throw away old memories. We cherish them. In here, the attic!
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Gomez Addams : Great Guns in August! Family! Guess what I've found!
Pugsley Addams : Uncle Fester's first head?
Wednesday Addams : Does the third eye still blink?