The Addams Family (TV Series)

Hide and Go Lurch/Hook, Line and Stinkers/A Sword Fightin' Thing (1992)

Rip Taylor: Uncle Fester

Quotes 

• Uncle Fester : I tell yah, Gomez, that palooka's got eyes in the back of his head! Or was that Cousin Fluid?

  Gomez Addams : No, he had ears on his ankles!

  Uncle Fester : Oh, yeah. Man did he have a hard time buying shoes...

• Uncle Fester : Hey, we could always hide in my coat.

  Gomez Addams : And suffer the same fate as Aunt Sticky when she climbed in?

  Uncle Fester : Oh, yeah. I'm still having her electronically removed...

• Pugsley Addams : Dad, Uncle Fester, what's the big deal about an old horn?

  Gomez Addams : Only the greatest game we ever played, son!

  Uncle Fester : Yeah, back when we were little fryers like you!

  Gomez Addams : First, we blow the horn as loud as we could...

  Uncle Fester : Hopefully passing out from hyperventilation...

  [laughs] 

  Gomez Addams : ...then Lurch would have until midnight to find us!

  Morticia Addams : And he always did.

  Gomez Addams : Ah, that's right, Tish! In all those years, we never once could shake the big fella! Except that one time we tied him to the faultline...

• [Gomez and Fester hide in a wardrobe] 

  Gomez Addams : We're off to a booming start, Fester!

  [Lurch moans] 

  Uncle Fester : Darn!

  Gomez Addams : The night's still young, old man!

  [Gomez and Fester rush out] 

• [Gomez and Fester masquerade as an American Gothic portrait] 

  Lurch : [as a cow disguise]  Moooooooooooo.

  Gomez Addams : Aha!

  Uncle Fester : Yikes!

  [Gomez and Fester rush out of the portrait] 

• [in the middle of a desert] 

  Gomez Addams : [panting]  Fester... the vultures are starting to circle...

  Uncle Fester : Well, if you'd hold still for a second, one of them might land and start pecking.

  Lurch : Leeeemmmmooonnnaaade?

  Uncle Fester : Eh, hmmm. Shoot!

• [Fester brews up an invisibility serum] 

  Uncle Fester : Lurch can't find us if he can't see us...

  Gomez Addams : To hiding!

  [Gomez and Fester drink the serum and become invisible] 

  Gomez Addams : Ah. Now let's shed these clothes, and our invisibility will be complete!

  [Both start to undress, and hand their clothes over to Lurch] 

  Gomez Addams : Thanks, Lurch...

  Uncle Fester : Oh, not again!

• Uncle Fester : [brings out a remote]  Brother of mine, I hoped it wouldn't come to this, but we do have one last hope: my emergency hiding place! I didn't want to tell you about it, but we are two desperate hombres!

  Gomez Addams : Well, whatever it is, brother, do it.

  [Fester presses the remote, and a 1000-ton weight crushes the two] 

  Lurch : Miisssteerrrrr Adddaaammms? Feesssteeerrr?

  [Lurch walks away. The clock strikes midnight, and Gomez and Fester pull themselves out under the weight] 

  Gomez Addams : [in victorious agony]  We did it, after all these years! The genius that is my brother! Not only have we finally outwitted Lurch, but we've gained the extra benefit of walking funny for weeks!

  Uncle Fester : Well, I try.

• Gomez Addams : Well, Fester, I guess we'll never have to hide from Lurch again...

  Uncle Fester : Yeah. No more humiliation, no more dragging our names through the mud...

  Gomez Addams : What have we done?

  [Fester starts crying and embraces his brother] 

  Pugsley Addams : Uh-oh! Somebody better do something...

• Wednesday Addams : Lurch has something to say - ahem! - does he not?

  Lurch : Iiiiii leeeet yoouuuu wiiiinnnn.

  Uncle Fester : Well, tie me up and paint bugs on my face!

  Gomez Addams : You mean... we were duped, cheated, buffaloed?

  Lurch : Biiiinnnngoooo.

  Gomez Addams : [shakes Lurch's hand]  Glad to hear it, governor! Thank you.

  Uncle Fester : [hugs Lurch]  Bless your artificial hearts!

• Uncle Fester : Ah, Gomez, we were just young pups, and Lurch was well into puberty.