What If (I) (2013)

Adam Driver: Allan

Photos 

Quotes 

• Allan : I just had sex and I'm about to eat NACHOS! IT'S THE GREATEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE!

• Allan : It's complicated. All this love shit's complicated. And that's good. Beecause if it's too simple you've got no reason to try, and if you've got no reason to try you don't.

• Allan : A hundred percent honesty is the foundation of any relationship.

  Wallace : Whoa! You are a hundred percent honest with Nicole?

  Allan : Yes!

  Wallace : About everything?

  Allan : Yep!

  Wallace : Wh... New Orleans, 2006! What was her name... Uh, Fabia? Yeah, she did LOOK like a woman, to be fair!

  Allan : Ninety-nine percent honesty is the foundation of any relationship.

• Allan : You can eat your own poop. But if you eat the poop that you poop out after eating the first poop it's so toxic you'll die. So you can eat your poop once, but not twice.

• Allan : Oh, did you guys meet?

  Wallace : Uh, kind of, yeah.

  Allan : Wallace, this is my cousin Chantry, she's an animator. Chantry, this is my college roommate, Wallace.

  Chantry : You're Wallace?

  Wallace : Yep.

  Allan : This is the first time he's been outside in, like, a year.

  Chantry : Wow. Yeah, you do look pale. I just assumed you were, like, anemic or partially albino.

  Wallace : It's both, actually.

  Allan : He's been hibernating like an adorable little bear cub because of his broken heart.

  Wallace : Stop telling people that and stroking my face.

• Allan : Option one, make a move on her. Bold, direct. If you're lucky, you hook up, she feels guilty, breaks up with Ben. If you're unlucky, she's furious and ends the friendship.

  Wallace : So be sleazy?

  Allan : Yeah.

  Wallace : And you think that'll work?

  Allan : No. I think even if she goes for it, she'll resent you for getting her to cheat on Ben. She'll break up with him, but she won't go out with you because you're...

  Wallace : Sleazy.

  Allan : Yeah. Option two, be the guy she goes to for advice. The downside is you have to listen to her talk about Ben all the time, the upside is you can slant your advice to slowly turn her against him.

  Wallace : So be conniving?

  Allan : Yeah.

  Wallace : And that'll work?

  Allan : Maybe, but maybe she'll see through it and think you're...

  Wallace : Conniving.

  Allan : Yeah. Option three, patiently wait it out. Eventually either the distance gets to them and they break up, or it doesn't they get married, live a happily life with you always on the outside looking in, quietly pining... indefinity.

  Wallace : So be pathetic?

  Allan : Yeah.

  Wallace : [sarcastic]  That sounds fun.

  Allan : Well it's got the advantage of not being particularly unethical, but it's got the disadvantage of being...

  Wallace : Pathetic.

  Allan : Yeah.

  Wallace : So your advice is be sleazy, conniving or pathetic?

  Allan : [pause]  Well when you put it that way, it doesn't sound like very good advice.