- Edna Krabappel: Today, we're going to read about Washington crossing the Delaware.
- Nelson Muntz: I'd rather see Bart's mom in her underwear.
- Edna Krabappel: The British side was under the command of General Howe.
- Nelson Muntz: I give Bart's mom a general wow!
- Bart Simpson: Stop that, she's my mom!
- Nelson Muntz: Keep-away with Bart's mom!
- [Throws calendar to Milhouse]
- Milhouse Van Houten: Oh, Mrs. S. You can tuck me in anytime.
- Bart Simpson: [Aims slingshot at Milhouse] Okay, buddy. Lower the eyebrows, nice and easy.
- [Milhouse lowers one eyebrow]
- Bart Simpson: Now the other one.
- [Milhouse lowers the other eyebrow, but then raises it again; Bart hits him with slingshot]
- Milhouse Van Houten: Ow! It's stuck! Now I'll have a quizzical expression all day.
- Nelson Muntz: I'd like to get quizzical with Bart's mom.
- [Bart tackles Nelson and they fight]
- Carl Carlson: Homer, you've hardly had any meltdowns all week, so I'm making you executive assistant.
- Homer Simpson: Why can't I keep the job I have now, whatever it is?
- Carl Carlson: Easy now, big fella. Either be my assistant, or seek work elsewhere. And in this economy, elsewhere ain't hiring.
- Homer Simpson: Very well, I guess I'm at your beck.
- Carl Carlson: And call.
- Homer Simpson: Nooo!
- Carl Carlson: Yeah.
- Ned Flanders: Well, boys, your old man is back on the bean, thanks to Christian prayer and good old doctor Sheldon Lowelstein.
- Homer Simpson: Ye-bonjour!
- Carl Carlson: Homer, there's a moth in my room. Where are you?
- Homer Simpson: Where I should have been all along. In Springfield.
- Carl Carlson: What? You get back to the Eternal City of Lights, or you're fired.
- Homer Simpson: Oh, I don't think so. You know that woman you've been playing "hide the baguette" with? She's French first lady Carla Bruni. You fire me, and I'll call Nicolas Sarkozy, and he'll be all over you like Truffaut on Hitchcock.
- Carl Carlson: You wouldn't dare!
- Homer Simpson: Oh, wouldn't I? Just listen!
- [Dials other cell phone]
- President Nicholas Sarkozy: [On phone] Allo, you are getting cozy with Sarkozy.
- Carl Carlson: All right, Homer, you win. Give Marge my best.
- Homer Simpson: I will, but first, I'll be giving her mine.
- Evil French Guy: [Picking up phone Homer threw out] Nuclear secrets, picture of Lenny... everything I need for my plan.
- Homer Simpson: See? He hasn't changed a bit.
- Carl Carlson: [On P.A] Yes I have, in ways you are only beginning to suspect.
- Lenny Leonard: So Ted, what are you gonna do now that you don't have to look after us idiots anymore?
- Ted: I'm gonna fill the emptiness with gardening and Mandarin lessons.
- [Speaks Mandarin]
- Chinese Man: [to Homer] It's garbage. It's total garbage.
- Bart Simpson: Quit dragging me! When you're older, I'm gonna drag you around and buy you clothes!
- Marge Simpson: Oh, that would be very nice.
- Bart Simpson: D'oh!
- Marge Simpson: Where are you kids going? I told you we were having dinner with the Flanderses.
- Lisa Simpson: Sorry, mom, but I'm going to a slumber party at Janie's.
- Bart Simpson: And I'm going to a stink bomb party at the house next to Janie's. No relation.
- Carla Bruni-Sarkozy: Monsieur Carlson, what has been your favorite thing about Paris?
- Carl Carlson: Oh, I really loved the...
- [Homer, reading a travel guide, whispers in his ear]
- Carl Carlson: ...Louvre. Everything about it is so...
- [Homer whispers]
- Carl Carlson: ...closed on Mondays.
- Photographer: Now, who's my next sexy historical lady?
- Marge Simpson: I am. The Tiger Woods of the 1930s, Babe Didrikson Zaharias.
- Photographer: Honey, I'm gonna need more "Babe" and less "Didrikson Zaharias".
- Marge Simpson: All right then, I'll take off one glove.