- Carlton Lassiter: [Lassiter, Donny, Shawn, Gus and Juliet are all being showered in the parking lot] I mean is this really necessary? I didn't even go inside the cafe.
- Donny Leberman: Oh it's necessary. Yeah, the CDC doesn't want to take any chances.
- Carlton Lassiter: For the last time, who the hell is this?
- Donny Leberman: Oh, I'm Donny Leberman. Hey, I'm the guy who screwed all this up.
- Carlton Lassiter: I'm not big on nude handshakes.
- Juliet O'Hara: They're probably just being safe, Carlton.
- [Hit by a hose]
- Juliet O'Hara: Ooh, that tickles.
- Carlton Lassiter: Spencer, are you shampooing your hair?
- Shawn Spencer: Yes I am, Lassie. I always travel with a small packet of Johnson and Johnson's baby shampoo in my wallet.
- Juliet O'Hara: Baby shampoo?
- Shawn Spencer: No more tears, Jules.
- Carlton Lassiter: [Getting scrubbed down] Whoa, take it easy, slugger, what are we dating?
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: I can't believe this, Shawn. First, we're looking for a prostitute, now I'm naked in a parking lot.
- Shawn Spencer: It's just like our prom night.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Shawn.
- Shawn Spencer: Gus, relax. Don't be Nick Cage's accent from "Con Air." We've bathed together before.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: When we were three.
- Shawn Spencer: It's essentially the same thing. It's just impolite to pee.
- [to the person scrubbing him down]
- Shawn Spencer: That feels great by the way.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: He has an irrational fear of Patrick Dempsey.
- Shawn Spencer: It's very rational! It's rational. Either of you watch "Grey's Anatomy"? The man is completely terrifying.
- Juliet O'Hara: [smirks] You're just jealous of his hair.
- Shawn Spencer: [hesitates] Well, there's that...
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: There's *only* that.
- Shawn Spencer: You know how when we were kids, there were all those cool prizes at the bottom of cereal boxes?
- Juliet O'Hara: Yeah.
- Shawn Spencer: Okay, well, there are two kinds of kids. There's the kid who flipped the box over and opened it from the bottom and grabbed the prize right away. And then there was the kid who waited patiently and ate bowl after bowl of cereal until... until the prize just tumbled out on its own. There's also a third kid named Mikey who'll eat anything, including the prize, but he's not really important right now.
- Juliet O'Hara: Okay... and?
- Shawn Spencer: I didn't wait. I didn't wait for my decoder ring or my Frankenberry action figure when I was a kid, so what am I waiting for now? All I know is that I don't want to miss out on the prize.
- Juliet O'Hara: [nervously] What are you trying to say, Shawn?
- Shawn Spencer: That I... I...
- Juliet O'Hara: Hmm?
- [pause]
- Shawn Spencer: [weakly] I don't know.
- Juliet O'Hara: Dr. Reidman is the foremost Thornburg authority, not only in the state but in all seven continents. He's here to help us.
- Shawn Spencer: Is he, Jules? No offense, "Doctor," there's a lot of freaky-deaky stuff going on here and how can we be sure you're a legit M.D.?
- Dr. Steven Reidman: Well, for starters, I carry one of these in my pocket
- [pulls out stethoscope]
- Shawn Spencer: He's legit.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: I don't know what smells worse: that breakfast burrito or those nacho cheese corn nuts you used to eat.
- Shawn Spencer: Well, lets do a smell test.
- [Pulls out nacho cheese corn nuts]
- Shawn Spencer: Here, close your eyes.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Dude, I demand to know what's going on with you.
- Shawn Spencer: What ever do you mean?
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Why are you eating stinky food and dressed like you're about to go tailgating.
- Shawn Spencer: I'll tell you exactly why: because I can.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Okay, I get it. So now that you're single, you're doing all the things Abigail wouldn't let you do while you were dating.
- Shawn Spencer: You nailed it, which is why I'm TiVoing "Blame it on Rio" as we speak. And dude, my favorite ringer is back.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Please tell me it's not...
- Shawn Spencer: [Plays "Shake Your Rump"] Just shake your rump. I also put my favorite piece of art back on the wall.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: It's not art, Shawn. It's a poster of a hot blond laying on a Corvette that says "Hauling Ass."
- Shawn Spencer: Well, if it's not art, why did I insure it for half a million dollars?
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Because you're an idiot.
- Shawn Spencer: Let me get this straight: you hit the town, got sloppy drunk, passed out, woke up *without* a virus? Isn't it usually the other way around?
- Dr. Steven Reidman: Excuse me, you say you divined this psychically?
- Shawn Spencer: That's right.
- Dr. Steven Reidman: Fascinating. If you should pass away, I would love to dissect your temporal lobe.
- Shawn Spencer: Sure. I can't possibly see why not, but I'm hoping you get us all through this thing alive.
- Dr. Steven Reidman: Yes, in that case, I would love to get my hands on a sample of your DNA.
- Shawn Spencer: Weird. Uncomfortable. Consider it done.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: You know, I'm actually the brains of this operation so you might wanna get mine.
- Dr. Steven Reidman: I could care less about your secretions. However, I would love to get my craniometer around that giant Raisinette of yours or is it a Goober? Possibly a Milk Ball.
- Shawn Spencer: I'd say Milk Ball. It's Milk Ball.
- Shawn Spencer: [after Lassiter pulls his gun on a barking Rottweiler] Who are you, Michael Vick?
- Carlton Lassiter: I'm not going to shoot him. *He* doesn't know that.
- Shawn Spencer: He doesn't know *anything*. He's a dog.
- Shawn Spencer: No, she was a prostitute.
- Donny Leberman: Come on.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Think about it, you met her at the hotel bar.
- Shawn Spencer: Plus her name is Ginger, Donny. Throughout history there's only two Gingers that weren't prostitutes: Ginger Rogers and Ginger from "Gilligan's Island." And I still have my suspicions about the latter. In fact, Gus, I've made my decision. She was a filthy pirate hooker.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: You know that's right.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: This room was paid for in cash and registered to a Val Kilmer.
- Shawn Spencer: It's either an alias or Val has officially lost it.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: I still smell like stinky nuts, Shawn.
- Shawn Spencer: Gus, we don't have four hours to riff on that.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: You refer to the virus in the feminine tense?
- Dr. Steven Reidman: Indeed, if you knew her as I do, there's no mistaking her for anything other than a she.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: That doesn't make any sense.
- Dr. Steven Reidman: Neither do women.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: [Nods] I hear that.
- Carlton Lassiter: Spencer, why don't you get out of sight, alright? Mallon knows what you look like and you're not trained in covert surveillance.
- Shawn Spencer: Really? What part of training is announcing our presence with a megaphone?
- Carlton Lassiter: Just go hide in a bathroom and stay out of our way.
- Shawn Spencer: Alright, we'll go. Not because you told us to. Gus has to tinkle.
- Shawn Spencer: Well, I'm not hero, Steve. I didn't do anything that anyone with incredible upper body strength and Native American cheekbones wouldn't do.
- Young Shawn: [Being hosed off] This is humiliating.
- Henry Spencer: Not as humiliating as being the parent of the only child sent home from his school with lice.
- Young Shawn: This shampoo smells like urinal cakes.
- Henry Spencer: Smelling like a men's room is a small price to pay for ridding your scalp of parasites.
- Young Shawn: How'd I get lice anyways?
- Henry Spencer: You tell me. You come in contact with anything out of the ordinary lately?
- Young Shawn: No, unless you count that squirrel with the foamy mouth I've been playing with.
- Henry Spencer: Well, it's a good thing they sent you home. All it takes is one unclean child to start a full blown outbreak.
- Young Shawn: What's an outbreak?
- Henry Spencer: That's when an illness is passed from person to person until it becomes widespread.
- Young Shawn: How's it passed?
- Henry Spencer: Well, you could come in contact with a sick person or maybe even something they've touched.
- Young Shawn: Like a comb?
- Henry Spencer: Exactly like a comb. Wait, why'd you say comb?
- Young Shawn: Because I used yours this morning.
- Henry Spencer: Sha... Shawn?
- [Pulls off gloves and scratches his head]
- Henry Spencer: Damn it.
- Shawn Spencer: Donny, what was in the cooler?
- Donny Leberman: [Nervous] The Thornburg virus.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: *The* Thornburg virus?
- Shawn Spencer: Thornburg? What does this have to do with Richard Chamberlain?
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: That's "The Thorn Birds." This is the Thornburg, an extremely rare virus that usually targets people in Africa - which makes it racist, by the way.
- Shawn Spencer: [Running up to a crime scene at a convenient store] Dude, we should come back later and hang out with our skateboards.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: You know that's right.
- Juliet O'Hara: Wow, I have never seen the two of you arrive so fast at a police scene.
- Shawn Spencer: Well you've never seen us called to one with a grape Slushee machine in the back either.
- Carlton Lassiter: This is a waste of time. We're rushing to check out some coffee place that some mysterious person who may or may not be carrying a deadly virus may or may not have visited.
- Donny Leberman: Well, I for one, trust Mr. Spencer's instincts on this.
- Carlton Lassiter: [to Juliet] Who the hell is this?
- Juliet O'Hara: Carlton, we need to look into every possible lead at this point. Besides, you were already wrong once today.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: I've never seen Lassie put in his place like that.
- Shawn Spencer: It's hot. I'd like her to put me in my place.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: That makes no sense, Shawn.
- Shawn Spencer: You know me, Mr. Nonjudgmental.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: He also goes by Mr. Dobolina.
- Shawn Spencer: Mr. Bob Dobolina.
- Shawn Spencer: Drugs didn't kill that woman. It was the Thornbirds Virus.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Do you mean Thornburg?
- Shawn Spencer: What he said.
- Juliet O'Hara: I studied that in school. Has there ever been a case in the US?
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: No. There's not enough black people.
- Juliet O'Hara: [On the phone with Shawn re: Ginger's house] And Shawn, she must be a great hooker, cause this place is sweet.
- Shawn Spencer: Whoa, hey, hey, excuse me, uh, we just checked into this room, you think you could come back a little bit later?
- Cleaning Lady: But it's not clean.
- Shawn Spencer: That's okay, neither are we.
- Shawn Spencer: [shawn and gus are each in hazmat suits, standing at Melissa's bedside. Gus flirts with her] Gus! You should be ashamed of yourself! Let me handle this. Melissa, how many sexual partners have you had in the last six months?
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Shawn!
- [Melissa starts counting fingers, but is interrupted by shawn's phone ringing]
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Enough with that song already!
- Shawn Spencer: I can't reach my back pocket. You're gonna have to punch me in the ass.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: You must be out of your mind.
- Shawn Spencer: Just sock me in the butt!
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: No, Shawn.
- Donny Leberman: Wow, I can't believe it. This is crazy. So I took her back to my room? I never do that. Is it possible I have game?