- Alice: The penguin is native to Antarctica.
- Smart Kid: Ooh, ooh, did you know a group of penguins is called a rookery?
- Alice: It's a bird, but it doesn't fly.
- Smart Kid: Did you know that penguins can swim 15 miles an hour?
- Skipper: Keep an eye on Johnny Smart-glasses. The boy knows too much.
- Rico: [gets behind the kid with a baseball bat] Hey, batter, batter, batter! Hey, batter, batter, batter...
- Skipper: Not yet. I wanna know where he gets his intel.
- Smart Kid: Did you know the only way to tell boy penguins from girl penguins is a DNA test, huh?
- Skipper: Never mind, boys. Kid's off his wingnut.
- [scoffs]
- Skipper: Like we need some DNA test to tell us we're 100% Antarctic macho.
- Rico: Hoo-ah!
- Alice: Listen, kid! All I know is we've got three males and a female. The birds know which is which.
- Rico: [looks down at his crotch] Um...
- Skipper: Wrong. Wrong! Double wrong! Wrong infinity! There's no way I'm a female!
- Kowalski: All right, what you are experiencing are the five stages of grief. Right now you're at stage one, denial.
- Skipper: I am not! All I'm saying is, your stupid machine is wrong!
- Kowalski: Well, it's based on scientific...
- Skipper: Then science is wrong! And you're wrong! Everybody's wrong but me! I demand a different test!
- Skipper: [the penguins are in their car] What's the hold up?
- Kowalski: [looking at the zoo map] Hang in there, Skipper. I-I'm sure the zoo must have a ladies room somewhere. I just never really paid attention before.
- Skipper: You know, we could just stop and ask for directions.
- [the car stops]
- Skipper: What is happening to me? Curse you, DNA!
- King Julien: All right, this is no good. It's time for Plan H.
- Maurice: Don't you mean Plan B?
- King Julien: No, no. Plans B through G are far too ridiculously dangerous. Plan H is for Mort to go down to the under the ground electrically power cables and not come out until the smoothie machine is working again.
- Mort: I like Plan H. Whee!
- [Jumps into grate]
- King Julien: Good, Mort. Now start pulling things off other things and putting them into new things. I'm sure it will work itself out eventually.
- Kowalski: Aha, just as I suspected! The DNA analyzer was the power hog. Gah! I knew I shouldn't have included the optional beak shiner.
- Private: Let's try a little role playing. Pretend I'm Phil.
- Mason: A bit of a reach, but very well.
- Private: Now pretend I just made a mess.
- Mason: Oh, Phil, another mess, which I have to clean up.
- King Julien: No, no! That is all wrong!
- [Jumps around like a monkey]
- King Julien: Ooh, ooh! I sure do like a tire swing! Ooh!
- Skipper: It's uncanny.
- Kowalski: I know.
- Private: Now do me!
- King Julien: Okay
- [Jumps like monkey again]
- King Julien: Ooh, ooh! I sure do like stinky fish! Ooh!
- King Julien: Did someone say party? Oh, yeah, baby! I am ready to...
- [Sees Phil's habitat full of garbage, with Joey, Bada and Bing wallowing in it]
- King Julien: Eh, this is a little, eh, lowbrow for the king, you know.
- [Skipper is blindfolded and holding a pin]
- Kowalski: Take your time, Skipper. There is no right or wrong answer.
- [Skipper puts a pin on the picture in front of him and takes off the blind fold; the picture has a monster truck on one side, and a pink pony on the other; the pin is on the pony]
- Kowalski: Madam?
- Skipper: Lies!
- [attacks the picture]
- Kowalski: I see we're in stage two, anger. Next, we should see bargaining.
- Skipper: Hey, Private. How's about we trade DNA results? Come on.
- Private: Skipper, I don't think that's how it...
- Kowalski: Depression...
- Skipper: [rolling on the floor, crying] My life is over! It's over! It's over, over, over!
- Kowalski: And finally, acceptance.
- Skipper: Well, I guess you got to play the hand you're dealt. Rico, hit me with a pretty pink bow.
- Private: I think a wonderful way to begin would be to say something positive about Phil.
- Mason: Very well. I am positive that Phil is disgusting and inconsiderate.
- [Phil signs]
- Skipper: What did he say?
- Kowalski: No idea.
- Mason: Go pound bananas?
- Rico: Ooooh!
- Kowalski: Tell it like it is, primate!
- Skipper: You go!
- King Julien: Maurice, why is that penguin wearing a pretty pink bow on his head and shouting at the sky spirits? And also I have a follow-up: How come I do not have a pretty pink bow?
- Marlene: Skipper, girl stuff just means whatever you like to do. If you're into the commando stuff, being a girl doesn't change that.
- Skipper: Of course not. It just means now I'm not good at it. Now, hit me with some chiffon, doll face. I've got a hankering to sew me some curtains.
- [offstage commotion]
- Marlene: That sounded like trouble. Shouldn't you go out there and do something?
- Skipper: Land sakes, no! That sounded dangerous. Now, how about we stay here and gossip about boys?
- [Marlene drags Skipper out by the bow on his head]
- Skipper: Hey, that's no way to treat a lady!
- Skipper: What kind of sick mind would leave messes over and over?
- Kowalski: I've worked out a profile of our perp.
- [Shows outline drawing of chimp]
- Skipper: I know that face.
- Mason: [steps in front of profile] Good evening. Oh, another mess! Here, let me clean it!
- Skipper: Stand back. This is a crime scene.
- Mason: It's no trouble, really.
- Kowalski: Somewhere in this mess, the perpetrator left a calling card. He might as well have signed his name.