Community (TV Series)
Physical Education (2010)
Chevy Chase: Pierce Hawthorne
Photos
Quotes
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Abed Nadir : I understand, I need to change who I am to someone more likable.
Shirley : No, no, sweetie, it's not about changing. It's about learning.
Abed Nadir : Learning to change?
Shirley : No, it's...
Pierce Hawthorne : Good grief! Clear the chickens off the runway. I'll be the bad guy. Yes, Abed, you need to be someone else. Someone who eventually gets a girlfriend. Because I can't think of anything more frightening than a half-Polish, half-Arab *virgin* in his thirties. One way or the other, that story ends with an explosion.
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Annie Edison : Señor Chang, can you tell us who had this Spanish book last year?
Señor Chang : [Looks over book, puts it to his forehead and mumbles as he strokes a fake beard] Jenny Adams.
Pierce Hawthorne : Oh, please. If all Chinese were psychic, they'd have invented birth control years ago.
Señor Chang : Her name's on the front of the book, morons.
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Troy Barnes : You should be like Calvin. His best friend was a tiger. He always went on dope adventures. If anything got in his way, he just peed on it.
Pierce Hawthorne : Calvin Coolidge?
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Annie Edison : We have a name. It's Jenny Adams.
Pierce Hawthorne : See, it's a fat girl's name. Might as well be called Gravy Jones.
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Britta Perry : He's not sexy. You should be like Jo from "Facts of Life"... but you know, the dude version.
Pierce Hawthorne : [accusingly] I knew it!
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Pierce Hawthorne : If this is gonna turn ugly, I can't be here. I'm a two-striker.
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Troy Barnes : Let's try a practice run. All right, Annie, you sit here, okay, and be a girl. Abed, you take a run at her. Let's see what you got.
Abed Nadir : Okay.
[in deep voice]
Abed Nadir : Hmm. What are you reading?
Annie Edison : Pride and Prejudice.
Abed Nadir : [sits next to Annie draping his arm on the back of her chair, sighs] So you're familiar with two sins. How about a third?
Shirley : Oh.
Annie Edison : I don't think we're allowed to smoke in here.
Abed Nadir : Then you picked the wrong outfit, didn't you?
[Abed lifts Annie's chin and leans in for a kiss to which Annie appears receptive]
Shirley : Abed, what are you doing?
Abed Nadir : [normal voice] Don Draper from Mad Men. What'd you think?
Britta Perry : Weird.
Troy Barnes : Awesome.
Pierce Hawthorne : Put your tongue in her ear.
Annie Edison : I liked it.
Shirley : Don't be him. He cheats on his wife. Be somebody nice like Mike Brady. He always had that housekeeper throwing herself at him. He never made a move on her.
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Abed Nadir : I don't wanna spoil the ending but, uh, pride ends up with prejudice.
Jenny Adams : That's funny.
Abed Nadir : I know. Stick with me, and you get a laugh or two. That's the Abed guarantee.
Jenny Adams : I feel like I've seen you before.
Annie Edison : It's working.
Shirley : I know.
Abed Nadir : I get that a lot from art students. I'm told I have a face made for sketching. I'd rather think it was made for kissing.
Joey (white Abed) : How about for punching, huh? What are you doing hitting on my girlfriend, ugly?
Abed Nadir : [normal voice] This is awkward.
Britta Perry : Oh, my God.
Troy Barnes : It's a white Abed.
Pierce Hawthorne : I... I know. It... It's like Abed but employable.
Joey (white Abed) : Huh, boss? Let's go, Slumdog.
Troy Barnes : Oh.
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Annie Edison : My sources tell me that Jenny Adams is the blonde who's reading right over there.
Shirley : Whoa! That's her? She's pretty. Which is not a surprise at all, Abed.
Britta Perry : Okay, Abed, we're gonna be here for moral support. Just go over there, do your thing.
Abed Nadir : Okay.
Britta Perry : Remember, be yourself.
Abed Nadir : Got it.
Britta Perry : Great.
Abed Nadir : Cool.
[clicking tongue]
Troy Barnes : Abed.
Abed Nadir : Yeah?
Troy Barnes : What are you doing?
Abed Nadir : I'm being myself.
Troy Barnes : Go be yourself by Jenny.
Abed Nadir : But I wouldn't go over there.
Pierce Hawthorne : How do you know that?
Abed Nadir : A lifetime of observation mostly.
Annie Edison : Well, do you think there's a version of yourself that might go over there?
Abed Nadir : Absolutely.
Annie Edison : Could you be him?
Abed Nadir : Okay.
[hissing while approaching Jenny's table]
Shirley : Oh.
[Annie and Britta intercept Abed and escort him back to the group's table]
Britta Perry : What the hell was that?
Abed Nadir : A different version of me. I think he was a vampire.
Pierce Hawthorne : All right. If this is gonna turn ugly, I can't be here. I'm a two-striker.
[Pierce stands to leave]
Britta Perry : No, Pierce, please, hang on. Abed, will you excuse us, please?
Abed Nadir : Yeah.
[exits]
Britta Perry : Look, I know that we're all good people. And good people believe that people should be themselves. But if Abed is himself, he's gonna die alone. And if we let him be someone else...
Troy Barnes : Be right back.
[intercepts a different version of Abed]
Pierce Hawthorne : I'm out of here.
[exits]
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Annie Edison : This will be great for Abed.
Abed Nadir : It will?
Britta Perry : Aren't you excited about talking to her?
Abed Nadir : I wasn't planning on it.
Annie Edison : What?
Jeff Winger : Guys, come on, you heard Abed. He's not interested. Drop it.
Shirley : Jeff, you need to mind your own business. Abed, you need to get with this girl, immediately, if not sooner.
Abed Nadir : Yeah?
Troy Barnes : Abed, for guys like you, this kind of opportunity only comes around once in a life... while.
Pierce Hawthorne : It's important to date in college, Abed. It's a time of freedom and exploration. A time when a simple pillow fight between two innocent girls could turn to a steamy night of unbridled lust. Britta knows all about it.
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Pierce Hawthorne : Oh, come on, who are we kidding? Jeff's right. Abed was happy being Abed till we had to sully his mind with thoughts of love and romance and vaginas.
Jeff Winger : [to Britta] Those are the big three. That's what they call them.
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Pierce Hawthorne : If all Chinese were psychic, you would have started using birth control centuries ago.
