Community (TV Series)
Physical Education (2010)
Donald Glover: Troy Barnes
Photos
Quotes
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Jeff Winger : What are you guys doing?
Abed Nadir : They're teaching me to be someone else.
Jeff Winger : Oh, for God's sake! What did I tell you guys?
Abed Nadir : [imitating Jeff] Oh, for God's sake everybody, do whatever you want! Leave each other alone!
Troy Barnes : Whoa! That's a good Jeff. How did you do that?
Abed Nadir : 10 % Dick Van Dyke, 20 % Sam Malone, 40 % Zach Braff in Scrubs, and 30 % Hilary Swank in Boys Don't Cry.
Jeff Winger : ...Zach Braff?
Abed Nadir : Sorry.
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Troy Barnes : You should be like Calvin. His best friend was a tiger. He always went on dope adventures. If anything got in his way, he just peed on it.
Pierce Hawthorne : Calvin Coolidge?
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Troy Barnes : Let's try a practice run. All right, Annie, you sit here, okay, and be a girl. Abed, you take a run at her. Let's see what you got.
Abed Nadir : Okay.
[in deep voice]
Abed Nadir : Hmm. What are you reading?
Annie Edison : Pride and Prejudice.
Abed Nadir : [sits next to Annie draping his arm on the back of her chair, sighs] So you're familiar with two sins. How about a third?
Shirley : Oh.
Annie Edison : I don't think we're allowed to smoke in here.
Abed Nadir : Then you picked the wrong outfit, didn't you?
[Abed lifts Annie's chin and leans in for a kiss to which Annie appears receptive]
Shirley : Abed, what are you doing?
Abed Nadir : [normal voice] Don Draper from Mad Men. What'd you think?
Britta Perry : Weird.
Troy Barnes : Awesome.
Pierce Hawthorne : Put your tongue in her ear.
Annie Edison : I liked it.
Shirley : Don't be him. He cheats on his wife. Be somebody nice like Mike Brady. He always had that housekeeper throwing herself at him. He never made a move on her.
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Abed Nadir : So you guys are gonna "Can't Buy Me Love".
Britta Perry : We're going what you?
Abed Nadir : You're gonna "Can't Buy Me Love" me. You know, transform me from zero to hero, geek to chic.
Troy Barnes : Oh, he wants us to "Love Don't Cost a Thing" him.
Shirley : Oh!
Troy Barnes : "Can't Buy Me Love" was the remake for white audiences.
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Abed Nadir : [humming, imitating Bert]
Troy Barnes : [enters imitating Ernie] Hey, Abed.
Abed Nadir : Hey Troy.
Troy Barnes : Here's the book I borrowed.
Abed Nadir : Thank you. Did you finally get your own book?
Troy Barnes : Something like that.
[flips through loose pages]
Abed Nadir : Wait a second.
[Troy chuckling]
Abed Nadir : [Abed discovers the pages have been torn from the book and moans]
Troy Barnes : It's okay. Let's have cookies.
Abed Nadir : Okay.
Abed Nadir , Troy Barnes : [both 'eat' a cookie] Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm.
[Abed laughs]
Troy Barnes : [panics and checks his watch] My cousin's funeral was today.
Abed Nadir : Oh, was that... that was today?
Troy Barnes : I knew there was some reason I couldn't do this today.
Abed Nadir : Poor Demitri.
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Abed Nadir : I don't wanna spoil the ending but, uh, pride ends up with prejudice.
Jenny Adams : That's funny.
Abed Nadir : I know. Stick with me, and you get a laugh or two. That's the Abed guarantee.
Jenny Adams : I feel like I've seen you before.
Annie Edison : It's working.
Shirley : I know.
Abed Nadir : I get that a lot from art students. I'm told I have a face made for sketching. I'd rather think it was made for kissing.
Joey (white Abed) : How about for punching, huh? What are you doing hitting on my girlfriend, ugly?
Abed Nadir : [normal voice] This is awkward.
Britta Perry : Oh, my God.
Troy Barnes : It's a white Abed.
Pierce Hawthorne : I... I know. It... It's like Abed but employable.
Joey (white Abed) : Huh, boss? Let's go, Slumdog.
Troy Barnes : Oh.
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Annie Edison : My sources tell me that Jenny Adams is the blonde who's reading right over there.
Shirley : Whoa! That's her? She's pretty. Which is not a surprise at all, Abed.
Britta Perry : Okay, Abed, we're gonna be here for moral support. Just go over there, do your thing.
Abed Nadir : Okay.
Britta Perry : Remember, be yourself.
Abed Nadir : Got it.
Britta Perry : Great.
Abed Nadir : Cool.
[clicking tongue]
Troy Barnes : Abed.
Abed Nadir : Yeah?
Troy Barnes : What are you doing?
Abed Nadir : I'm being myself.
Troy Barnes : Go be yourself by Jenny.
Abed Nadir : But I wouldn't go over there.
Pierce Hawthorne : How do you know that?
Abed Nadir : A lifetime of observation mostly.
Annie Edison : Well, do you think there's a version of yourself that might go over there?
Abed Nadir : Absolutely.
Annie Edison : Could you be him?
Abed Nadir : Okay.
[hissing while approaching Jenny's table]
Shirley : Oh.
[Annie and Britta intercept Abed and escort him back to the group's table]
Britta Perry : What the hell was that?
Abed Nadir : A different version of me. I think he was a vampire.
Pierce Hawthorne : All right. If this is gonna turn ugly, I can't be here. I'm a two-striker.
[Pierce stands to leave]
Britta Perry : No, Pierce, please, hang on. Abed, will you excuse us, please?
Abed Nadir : Yeah.
[exits]
Britta Perry : Look, I know that we're all good people. And good people believe that people should be themselves. But if Abed is himself, he's gonna die alone. And if we let him be someone else...
Troy Barnes : Be right back.
[intercepts a different version of Abed]
Pierce Hawthorne : I'm out of here.
[exits]
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Annie Edison : This will be great for Abed.
Abed Nadir : It will?
Britta Perry : Aren't you excited about talking to her?
Abed Nadir : I wasn't planning on it.
Annie Edison : What?
Jeff Winger : Guys, come on, you heard Abed. He's not interested. Drop it.
Shirley : Jeff, you need to mind your own business. Abed, you need to get with this girl, immediately, if not sooner.
Abed Nadir : Yeah?
Troy Barnes : Abed, for guys like you, this kind of opportunity only comes around once in a life... while.
Pierce Hawthorne : It's important to date in college, Abed. It's a time of freedom and exploration. A time when a simple pillow fight between two innocent girls could turn to a steamy night of unbridled lust. Britta knows all about it.
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Britta Perry : Abed, you know we just want you to be happy, right?
Abed Nadir : Yeah, I know. Everybody wants me to be happy. Everybody wants to help me. But usually when they find out they can't, they get frustrated and stop talking to me. Or they trick me into buying them ice cream and then shove me into a clothes dryer. Which I didn't wanna happen with you guys so I wanted to make sure you felt you could help. The truth is, lots of girls like me because, let's face it, I'm pretty adorable.
Troy Barnes : Mm-hm.
Abed Nadir : And, uh, my aloofness unconsciously reminds them of their fathers, so... I'm more used to them approaching me.
Britta Perry : So we didn't damage your self-esteem or anything?
Abed Nadir : Britta, I got self-esteem falling out of my butt. That's why I was willing to change for you, because when you really know who you are and what you like about yourself changing for other people isn't such a big deal.
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Annie Edison : About yesterday...
Abed Nadir : Oh, yeah. You guys must be pretty upset.
Britta Perry : Why would we be upset?
Abed Nadir : Well, I know how important it was for you that I get a girlfriend. So when Jenny went off with white Abed, it must have really hurt.
Troy Barnes : Ah. It did.
Jeff Winger : White Abed?
Shirley : Jenny's boyfriend is a white guy that's almost identical to Abed. Name is Joey and that's why the sketch was in Troy's book.
Jeff Winger : So does that make Abed brown Joey?
Shirley : [defensively] If you wanna get racist about it.
[Jeff appears confused by the double standard]
