- Krusty: Kids, this Mother's Day, why don't you give your mother what she really wants?: a break from you!
- Moe Szyslak: Boy, this voice-over stuff is kiling me. Whatever they pay Don Pardo for this, it ain't enough.
- Don Pardo: I make more than you can possibly imagine, and I'm making it right now!
- Moe Szyslak: Where are you?
- Bart Simpson: [Locking up Apu's kids in a cell at the Civil War fort] You Rebel punks make me sick!
- [cracks a whip]
- Bart Simpson: This is for what you Graybacks did to our boys at Andersonville!
- Lisa Simpson: When cruelty is involved, Bart sure knows his history.
- Bart Simpson: Dad, what did mom mean when she said she had to take care of something?
- Homer Simpson: Son, I'm something of an expert on women, and if I've learned something is that they never mean anything about anything.
- Lisa Simpson: Dad, that's a very dangerous attitude to have about your wife.
- Homer Simpson: Honey, I hear what you're saying.
- Homer Simpson: [whispering to Bart] Nothing.
- Homer Simpson: So, you were saying something?
- Marge Simpson: Why do I waste my breath?
- Homer Simpson: Sorry, honey. I wasn't listening, and I won't be listening now.
- Homer Simpson: Moe, my in-laws are coming, and I need something strong enough to make me forget I hate them but not so strong that I tell them I love them.
- Homer Simpson: The ferry will be here in ten minutes to take us home, then we'll know the truth.
- Apu: The truth!
- Ralph Wiggum: The roof!
- Homer Simpson: Well, when your wife came to Moe's, I was there being my usual, effervescent self.
- [Cut to Homer passed out on the bar]
- Ned Flanders: Marge brought me here to be the little angel on your shoulder to the 400 devils on the other.
- Apu: So it is you, Mr. Homer. I must admit, I was expecting it. A woman her age married to someone... How old are you? Sixty-five?
- Homer Simpson: Thirty-nine.
- Apu: Dear God! This day gets more and more disturbing.
- Manjula: I don't know why you listen to Sanskrit 93.7, The Dot?
- Apu: I like Mamud, Maheet and Badujin in the morning. No caste is safe from their merry japes.
- Manjula: Having a Ma-hot-ma or Ma-not-na contest is not a jape. It's sexist sacrilege.
- Apu: Well, you have so much in common: non-stop talk at drive time!
- Manjula: Take it back!
- Apu: I take it back.
- Marge Simpson: I'm still mad at you for last night.
- Homer Simpson: Today's the first, so that was last month, which means you're being ridiculous.