Bad Santa 2 (2016)
Billy Bob Thornton: Willie Soke
Photos
Quotes
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Thurman Merman : I'm 21, officially a man.
Willie : You're 21 already? That's creepy.
Thurman Merman : Are you still gonna pop my cherry?
Willie : What? Fuck, no! I said I'd get it done, by somebody else.
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Willie : Why are you even out of the joint anyway? Some pity case? On account of you're a genetic defect? You know, they used to sterilize guys like you, to keep the world from becoming some negro Land of Oz.
Marcus : Shut the fuck up! Early release, overcrowding.
Willie : Why, it must've been packed to the gills if they couldn't cram your three foot ass in there.
Marcus : We got a job, Willie. That two grand is just to show I'm serious. Can you still crack a safe? Or did you get carpal tunnel from jacking off?
Willie : I can crack just fine, thanks.
Marcus : I'm talking millions this time.
Willie : Where at?
Marcus : Chi-town.
Willie : I thought you were all done with the gooks.
Marcus : Chicago, you racist moron fuck!
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Willie : You outta your goddamn mind? I ain't dancing around with a bunch of candy canes and shit.
[slight pause]
Willie : Cuz I'm all about the birth of Christmas. You know, the wise guys kicked 'em out of the hotel. The ejaculate conception and then the drummer that didn't have shit to give 'em. And some perfume and the King Midas or one of them threatened to cut the kid in half, turn him into gold. But see uh, it's a heavy deal for me. Pretty damn heavy.
Diane : Are you talking about the true meaning of Christmas?
Willie : Exactly.
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[a young boy is sat on his knee to give Willie his Christmas wish list]
Willie : What do you want?
Video Game Boy : I want Minecraft, Halo 5: Guardians, Rise of the Tomb Raider, Project X Zone 2, Assassin's Creed Chronicles trilogy, As...
Willie : Yeah, yeah, that's great. I don't know.
Video Game Boy : Call of Duty: Black Ops III...
Willie : I don't know what you're talking about. I have no idea what that shit is. You could be speaking fucking Swahili and I wouldn't know any better.
Video Game Boy : Grand Theft Auto V.
Willie : No, I don't care.
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Diane : [Willing is banging Diane hard doggy style behind a dumpster in an alleyway] Tell me how dirty it is.
Willie : Ok. Ahh. It's a dumpster and an alley. It's pretty... pretty fucking dirty, I guess.
Diane : [yelling] Tell me it's fucking dirty!
Willie : Okay, it's fucking dirty! It's dirty. Yeah, it's dirty.
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Willie : Have a seat. What can Santy Claus get ya?
Penguin Girl : A penguin. It doesn't have to be alive.
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Willie : Life sucks a big giant dick, kid. But you're a fucking man now and you gotta face up to it. Welcome to the shit show.
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Willie : I traveled all the way across the country to rob a Goddamn charity?
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Willie : Spare some change. Think about somebody besides your fucking self.
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Boy : Why do you have two beards?
Willie : That's none of you're fuckin' business.
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Willie : What can I get ya?
Stuffed Cow Girl : [strange accent] A stuffed cow that moos but doesn't poop. Some duct tape so I can build a boat.
Willie : [hasn't understood a word] What?
Stuffed Cow Girl : [exactly the same as before] A stuffed cow that moos but doesn't poop. Some duct tape so I can build a boat.
Willie : [clearly still doesn't understand] OK.
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Jolly Santa : I'm going to have to ask you to watch your language when you're representing the suit.
Willie : And I'm going to have to ask you to suck my fucking dick.
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Willie : [to Thurman] Now listen, here's how it works. She's gonna pull her rig off and she's gonna get on all-fours. Then you stand behind her and drop your rig. Now you're gonna see somethin' that looks like some kind of Japanese food - it ain't, so don't eat it - that's the bullseye. Then you just start tuggin' on your little soldier, wait 'till he gets to attention, then poke him in there. Keep pokin' it in there 'till he spits up. Now you're gonna need a raincoat - she'll have one so don't worry about that. Soon as you're done, run to the bathroom, wash your crotch. That way you don't wake up wondering why you got oatmeal in your carpet. Breathe through your mouth so's you don't puke. Shouldn't be a problem for you. You got it?
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Diane Hastings : [Willie is having sex with Diane in an alleyway] Oh, god! Yeah! Fuck me like the dirty little slut that I am!
Willie Soke : Call me Santa.
Diane Hastings : What?
Willie Soke : Call me Santa.
Diane Hastings : Don't be weird. Tell me how dirty this is.
Willie Soke : Call me Santa!
Diane Hastings : Shut the fuck up! And spit on me! Oh, fuck! That almost made me cum!
Willie Soke : Um... Okay? You're getting fucked in a dumpster in an alley. It's pretty, pretty fucking dirty, I guess.
Diane Hastings : Oh, fuck! Spank me! And keep telling me how dirty I am!
Willie Soke : Okay, it's fucking dirty. Yes, it's dirty. You're a dirty little fuckin' slut.
Diane Hastings : Fuck me harder. Oh, I'm so dirty. I'm such a dirty little whore. Do you like my pussy?
Willie Soke : I love fucking your pussy. Oh, you're gonna make me cum!
Diane Hastings : I want you to cum on my face. Make me your dirty little whore.
Willie Soke : See, that's what I thought!
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Jolly Santa : Will you cool it pal? You're scaring all the kids away!
Willie : You ARE a fucking creep!
[starts to beat him up]
Willie : . Fucking asshole!
Willie : [to parents watching] This guy's a peterphiliac and he's after all your kids! You better get outta here!
[to Jolly Santa]
Willie : You FUCKING... PERVERTED... fucking asshole!
Willie : [to cops as they arrest him] Hang on a second! He's the fucking kid-diddler, not me! I'm a hero!
