- Distressed Watcher: Dear George Lucas, how you doin'? What you been up to lately? Sell any Princess Leia dart boards lately? Sell any Death Star cookie jars? Sell any Yoda costumes for dogs?
- Distressed Watcher: You're making a lot of money these days. That Star Wars really worked out for you. T-shirts, jerseys, bed sheets, busts, comic books, novels, key chains, action figures, calendars, posters, models, buttons, cardboard cut outs, TV shows, video games, hats, cards, board games, and hey, wasn't there even a movie at some point?
- Distressed Watcher: The original trilogy sells merchandise because people love it. The prequels sell merchandise because that's what they were designed to do. The prequels are merchandise that we bought because we loved the original Star Wars trilogy, and really, all they are is commercials for yet more merchandise. It's like you specifically redesigned the Star Wars universe as a world that exists to generate concepts for action figures.
- Distressed Watcher: You used to understand that films were driven by actors and not by effects. But that George Lucas died somewhere between Return of the Jedi and The Phantom Menace.
- Distressed Watcher: The original Star Wars is, with very little serious doubt, one of the greatest film sagas to ever play out on the silver screen. Who could ever forget Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, Princess Leia, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Yoda, Chewbacca, R2-D2, C-3PO, Lando Calrissian, Darth Vader, Boba Fett, Jabba the Hutt, Emperor Palpatine and all the other characters that have populated millions of imaginations for decades?
- Distressed Watcher: I'm gonna find out, are they really as bad as so many people think they are?
- [clip of Jar Jar saying something stupid]
- Distressed Watcher: Okay, the answer is yes, but I'm still gonna review them.
- Distressed Watcher: I can understand merchandising the hell out of movies as popular as the Star Wars trilogy. I can understand slapping Luke Skywalker's face on everything from underwear to lunchboxes. What I can't understand, or forgive, is turning the series itself into nothing more than another product.