The Hangover Part III (2013)
Zach Galifianakis: Alan
Photos
Quotes
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[from trailer]
Alan : My name's Alan and I bought a giraffe! Oh, my life is perfect!
[causes a car crash]
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Phil : Damn it! I left my phone in the Minivan.
Alan : Oh Phil, I have that find my phone app.
Phil : Alan, we have bigger problems than that at the moment.
Stu : No wait. If Chow has the minivan and your phone is in the minivan that means your phone is with Chow.
Alan : Stu, you heard Phil. We have bigger problems than that.
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Alan : You don't get it Stu. You. Just. Don't. Get It. I have over 60 apps on that phone. Do you know how much time and manhours it would take to redownload those apps?
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Alan : I saw it in a porno-graphy.
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[the Wolf Pack wake up in a honeymoon suite]
Stu : [sees he has implants] I have boobies now!
Cassie : [laughs] Oh my God...
Phil : [laughs] Holy shit!
Stu : It's not funny! Alan, what did you do? What did you do, Alan?
Alan : The wedding cake... it was from Leslie...
[Chow enters, naked and brandishing a sword]
Mr. Chow : [laughs] We had a sick night, bitches!
[the monkey jumps back on Stu]
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Marshall : Doug is my insurance. He stays with me. You don't get me Chow, I blow his brains out. You go to the cops, I blow his brains out.
Phil : But, that's insane! We don't even know where the fuck he is!
Marshall : Nobody does, but I figure the Wolf Pack has the best chance of finding him. You have three days. Get to work.
Alan : Can you take Stu instead?
Stu : Fuck you, Alan!
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Sid : [on the phone] Yes, sir. Absolutely, I will. Thank you so much. No, of course. No no and again, I'm so sorry.
[hangs up the phone and sits down with Alan]
Sid : That was the mayor, Alan.
Alan : It was an accident.
[pause]
Alan : You'd said you'd always love me no matter what I did.
Sid : I know and I do. You're my best friend, but Alan, why would you buy a giraffe?
Alan : I always wanted one. I can feed him from my treehouse. Besides, they remind me a lot of myself.
Sid : In what way?
Alan : They're majestic, pensive, and tall.
Sid : Pensive.
Alan : Yeah!
Sid : Where'd you learn that word?
Alan : Words with Friends.
Sid : What friends, Alan?
Alan : You can set it on random.
Sid : [sighs] Alan, aside from the fact that you shut down a freeway, you murdered a wild animal. It's national news. You don't wanna know the cheques I had to write to fix this.
Alan : Oh please, we're rich!
Sid : We are not anything, Alan. I am well-off. You are my 40-year-old son...
Alan : I'M 42!
Sid : 40...
Alan : I'M 42!
Sid : 42-year-old son who still lives at home. You are to go back on your medication or I'm cutting you off.
Alan : You're bluffing. When's dinner?
Sid : Your mother and I can't take this any more!
Alan : Oh, you might have to.
Sid : I can't do it! I cannot do this!
[Alan puts on Dre Beats, listening to "My Life" by Billy Joel, as his father has a heart and his mother and nanny panics]
Linda : ALAN! ALAN!
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Alan : Did you know your name used to be Carlos? I think it suits you better.
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Stu : You just saw a man get murdered, your brother in law is kidnapped. Are you sure there is nothing worse?
Alan : You don't get it Stu. You just don't get it do you? I have over 60 apps on that phone! What if I lost my phone? Do you know how much time and man hours it would take to redownload those apps?
Stu : [Sarcastically] You are right. I didn't think about that, thank you.
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Alan : Mother! Oreo smoothie, now!
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Sid : [Sid throws down the phone] That was the Mayor, Alan.
Alan : It was an accident. You said you love me no matter what I did.
Sid : I know and I do. You're my best friend but Alan why would you buy a giraffe?
Alan : I always wanted one! Could feed him from my tree house. Besides they remind me a lot of myself.
Sid : In what way?
Alan : They're majestic. Pensive and tall.
Sid : Pensive?
Alan : Yeah!
Sid : Where did you learn that word?
Alan : Rhymes with friends.
Sid : What friends Alan?
Alan : You can say it on random.
Sid : Alan aside from the fact that you shut down a freeway, you murdered a wild animal. It's national news. You don't want to know the checks I had to write to fix this!
Alan : Oh please! We're rich!
Sid : We're not anything Alan! I am well off! You are my 40 year old son...
Alan : 42!
Sid : ...42 year old son who still lives at home! You either go back on your medication or I'm cutting you off!
Alan : You're bluffing. When 's dinner?
Sid : You're mother and I can't take it anymore!
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Alan : [delivering a eulogy] I can't believe my daddy is dead. I can think of so many people I would rather have died first, like my mother.
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Alan : Hey, Stu. I don't enjoy talking to you that way. I don't know why you insist on making me blow my top. We've been on a lot of adventures together. But it seems like you haven't learned anythin. Anythin!
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[last lines]
Alan : I'm ready.