Brows Held High (TV Series)

Gerry (2011)

Kyle Kallgren: Oancitizen

Quotes 

• Oancitizen : Roger Ebert once reported that upon meeting Van Sant, asked him why he did the Psycho remake. Van Sant replied, "So that no one else would have to." I assume that's why Van Sant made a movie that is nothing but walking through the desert: so no one else would have to. Making the world a better place? Whatever. Are we done yet?

• Oancitizen : [in a faux movie trailer]  This summer: Matt Damon in... The Bourne Monotony. Rated PG-13.

• Oancitizen : [Gerry Damon climbs onto Gerry Affleck]  Hey, pointless sex. I feel like I'm at home. Oh wait, no, Damon is strangling Affleck. Yeah, the reason he does this is because those guys in real life did it. Remember, this is based on a true story, which is about things that happened in newspapers and real life. Wait, does real life exist? Who's the president? What does water taste like?

• Oancitizen : You really feel like you're lost in a desert. The scenery is repetitive, the sounds vacant. You wander aimlessly, every minute spent praying that the end to come. It will come when you reach the finish, or it will come with your own death. Hell, at some points you even begin to feel a little dehydrated at this movie. And should you emerge alive, you spend every waking minute wishing that you had never taken that wrong turn, or pushed that play button, and been dropped into a vast wasteland, traumatized by the void that you were dropped into - and may never escape.

• Oancitizen : Oh hi, Lupa.

  Obscurus Lupa : I'm not in the mood for The Room quotes right now!

• Obscurus Lupa : It's pretentious, it's ponderous...

  Oancitizen : It's perfect.

• Oancitizen : Let's get down to Gus Van Sant's Gerry. You know, it was surprisingly hard to find a copy. All the video stores I went to said their copies of Gerry were stolen by North Irishmen in black masks. D.C. suburbs are weird.

• Oancitizen : Oh wait, a truck. Oh please, stop. Wait. No, no, take me with you! Lupa? Please come back.

• Oancitizen : See? A Wheel of Fortune reference. How can this not appeal to middle America?

• Oancitizen : The best thing I can say about this movie is that it has great cinematography. Of course, that's also the best thing I can say about Ken Park.

• Oancitizen : Matt Damon went to Harvard, ya know.

• Oancitizen : They're still GOING!

• Oancitizen : We need a break from this. Here's a cockatoo dancing to bad hip-hop.

  [plays such a video] 

• Oancitizen : The book of Exodus didn't have as much wandering through the desert!

• Gerry Affleck : How do you think the hike's going so far?

  Oancitizen : [Looney Tunes theme plays; bursts out laughing]  That wasn't funny at all, but any resemblence of a joke is appreciated.

• Oancitizen : And then... the movie crashes.

• Oancitizen : That was like watching paint dry. Oh no, no, no, that was like going to Monument Valley, painting the entire damn thing green, and then watching THAT paint dry.

• Oancitizen : Let's see what the pro critics have to say about it. Peter Travers, Rolling Stone: "Arty exercise that strands Damon and Affleck in a desert with little to say and do except lose themselves in an existential wasteland of doomed beauty." Okay, descriptive.

• Oancitizen : Okay, there's one bit that has something only mildly interesting. It looks like they're going to meet a third character and it's a mirage, but Gerry Affleck knows where the car is and Damon's walking in this movie is making my brain leak out onto my shoulders and run-on sentences and... gah dammit!

  [slaps his cheeks] 

  Oancitizen : Come on, stay awake, stay awake.