The Big Bang Theory (TV Series)

The Rhinitis Revelation (2011)

Jim Parsons: Sheldon Cooper

Photos 

Quotes 

• Leonard Hofstadter : Sheldon, you're talking like a crazy person.

  Mary Cooper : Actually, I had him tested as a child. Doctor says he's fine.

  Sheldon Cooper : Told you.

  Mary Cooper : Although I do regret not following up with that specialist in Houston.

• [first lines] 

  Leonard Hofstadter : So, what kind of cruise is this you're going on?

  Mary Cooper : It's called The Born-Again Boat-ride. 'Christian Quarterly' gave it their highest rating, five thorny crowns. I do wish you'd come with me, Sheldon.

  Sheldon Cooper : Uh, well, Mom, if I did, it would be conclusive proof that your God can work miracles.

  Mary Cooper : You're missing out; it's going to be wall-to-wall fun; it's all themed. There's Jonah and the Whale-watching. All you can eat Last Supper buffet. And, my personal favorite, Gunning with God.

  Leonard Hofstadter : What's Gunning with God? I'm afraid to ask.

  Mary Cooper : Oh, it is a hoot-and-a-half. You write your sins on a clay pigeon, they fire 'em up in the air, and you pulverize 'em with a 12-gauge shotgun full of our Lord's forgiveness.

  Sheldon Cooper : Frankly, Mom, I'm encouraged to see how advanced your group has become. You're willing to sail out into the ocean without fear of falling off the edge.

  Mary Cooper : For example, if Shelly was aboard, he'd write 'smart-mouth' on his pigeon. And then *BAM*!

  Sheldon Cooper : The Lord giveth and the Lord bloweth away.

• Mary Cooper : I've never had it, but there's no harm in trying something new.

  Sheldon Cooper : There's a lot of harm in trying something new! That's why we test our drugs and cosmetics on bunny rabbits.

• Mary Cooper : Sheldon, when is your landlord gonna fix the elevator?

  Sheldon Cooper : I don't know. Lately we've been talking about converting it into a missile silo.

  Leonard Hofstadter : Your son seems to think we need to launch a preemptive strike on Burbank.

  Sheldon Cooper : Get them before they get us.

• Sheldon Cooper : You are in for a treat; my mother's fried chicken is why we had to buy my dad the extra-large coffin.

  Leonard Hofstadter : Sheldon, she just got off the plane. She doesn't want to cook.

  Sheldon Cooper : Wha-uh? Of course she does. Making me food is her way of saying "I love you". Making me food when she's too tired to cook is her way of saying "I really love you".

• Sheldon Cooper : I'm not going to get my pecan pie, am I?

  Leonard Hofstadter : Want some Oreos?

  Sheldon Cooper : Double stuff?

  Leonard Hofstadter : No, it's regular.

  Sheldon Cooper : Nice. Kick a man when he's down.

• Sheldon Cooper : You know if my clothes get too soft it makes me sleepy.

• Sheldon Cooper : That lecture was a waste of time. I made more accurate diagrams of the expansion of the early universe on a nursery wall with the contents of my diaper.

• Sheldon Cooper : Mom, I want to apologize for my behavior last night.

  Mary Cooper : Apology accepted.

  Sheldon Cooper : Great! Now, you're gonna love the Perlmutter lecture. Look, he will be stating that the universe is older than six thousand years, but I thought you could stick your fingers in your ears and hum "Amazing Grace" during those parts.

  Mary Cooper : I am still going out with your friends.

  Sheldon Cooper : But... I apologized! And that was hard for me, because I didn't do anything wrong!

• Sheldon Cooper : You people need to stop ruining my mom's visit, with you, with your sushi and your sadness and your slutty shirts! Stop it!

  [Raj whispers to Howard] 

  Howard Wolowitz : He's not talking about your shirt. Your shirt is fine.

• Amy Farrah Fowler : [after Sheldon coughs]  You getting sick?

  Sheldon Cooper : No. I'm just allergic to people that get Nobel Prizes for no good reason.

  Amy Farrah Fowler : Sheldon, is it possible that your foul mood, or to use the clinical term: bitchiness, is because your mother isn't making you a priority?

  Sheldon Cooper : No. Or to use the clinical term: Nuh-uh.

• Sheldon Cooper : I didn't get to spend a lot of time with you on this visit.

  Mary Cooper : And whose fault was that?

  Sheldon Cooper : Yours.

• Sheldon Cooper : [to a man sitting next to him on a bench]  Look at the two of us. Me, a highly regarded physicist, the kind of mind that comes along once, maybe twice, in a generation. You, a common man, tired from your labors as a stockbroker, or a vacuum cleaner salesman, or a bootblack. But deep down inside, apparently we're just two peas in a pod. A regular pea. The kind of pea that comes along once, maybe twice, in a generation.

  [It starts to rain] 

  Sheldon Cooper : Rain, another great equalizer. Falling on the head of the brilliant and the unremarkable alike.

  [Man takes out umbrella and opens it] 

  Sheldon Cooper : Smartypants.

• [last lines] 

  Sheldon Cooper : Does this mean you're not going to sing 'Soft Kitty'?

  Mary Cooper : No, I will always sing you 'Soft Kitty'.

  [sings] 

  Mary Cooper : Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur.

  Leonard Hofstadter : [sticks his head in the door]  Mrs. Cooper, were we supposed to take that pie out of the ov...

  Sheldon Cooper : [snaps]  Get out!

  [Offended and hurt, Leonard leaves] 

  Mary Cooper : [Shocked and angry]  Well, that was rude.

  Sheldon Cooper : Well, I know, but he means well. Sing.

  Mary Cooper : [sings]  Happy kitty, sleepy kitty...

  Sheldon Cooper : What are you trying to pull, Mom? From the top.

  Mary Cooper : [looking upwards]  This is what I'm talking about.

  [sings] 

  Mary Cooper : Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur.

• Penny : Now, I'm going out tonight; would it be crazy to ask you to look at the outfit I'm gonna wear?

  Mary Cooper : Oh, not crazy at all, and don't beat yourself up. When I was your age you could have me for a car ride and a bottle of strawberry wine.

  Sheldon Cooper : [to himself]  That will not be in this week's email blast.

• Sheldon Cooper : All right, Mom. When you're at the Ripley's Believe it Or Not Museum, if they have an exhibit about a mother who threw away a chance to spend a day with the world's most wonderful son, believe it, it's true.

• Penny : That top has paid for itself in free drinks like ten times what it cost.

  Sheldon Cooper : Yes, Penny has a lot of her money tied up in promiscuity futures.

• Sheldon Cooper : That reminds me of another saying. You can lead a chicken to Crisco, but you can't make your mother fry it.

• Sheldon Cooper : Are you trying to suggest that my emotional problems are no different than those of a stupid person?

• Sheldon Cooper : I've got a treat for us tomorrow, Mom. I'm taking you to see Saul Perlmutter give a lecture about his Nobel Prize-winning work in cosmology. And the best part is, at the Q and A afterward, I've worked up a couple of Qs that will stump his sorry A.

  Mary Cooper : I don't know, Shelly. I thought we could do a little sight seein'.

  Sheldon Cooper : What sight is better than your little boy embarrassing a Nobel laureate?