- Cameron Tucker: There are dreamers and there are realists in this world. You'd think the dreamers would find the dreamers and the realists would find the realists, but more often than not, the opposite is true. You see, the dreamers need the realists to keep them from soaring too close to the sun. And the realists, well, without the dreamers, they might not ever get off the ground.
- Haley Dunphy: Take a breather; it's just a dent. And saying nothing is not lying, okay? It's just letting the truth speak for itself.
- Alex Dunphy: This is not the time for moral equivocation.
- Haley Dunphy: Okay, I don't know what that means, and also, don't tell me.
- Alex Dunphy: You're the one who's going to lose her driving privileges. I don't know why you're so calm.
- Haley Dunphy: All we have to do is keep it from Mom until she goes to the store. Then, when she sees it, she'll assume that it happened there, which it did. So it's not really lying.
- Alex Dunphy: Listen to you! Are you gonna be a career criminal?
- Haley Dunphy: [scoffs] Oh, you sound like Mom. I don't know what I'm gonna do after high school!
- Claire Dunphy: I love you, Phil, but you...
- Phil Dunphy: Stop. I love your 'I love you'; I'm getting awful tired of your 'but'.
- [pause]
- Phil Dunphy: I heard it.
- Alex Dunphy: Mom, I need to tell you something.
- Claire Dunphy: What is it, honey?
- Alex Dunphy: I distracted Haley while she was driving and we dented your car.
- Cameron Tucker: Fire!
- [Cameron's pumpkin sails across the football field and hits the dent in Claire's car]
- Claire Dunphy: Ohh! Well, girls, three more seconds and you would have gotten away with it.
- Luke Dunphy: So Kenneth became a gajillionaire by asking himself 'What would Phil do'?
- Phil Dunphy: He sure did!
- [Rearranges centerpiece]
- Phil Dunphy: Where did that come from? Right?
- Luke Dunphy: But you're *you*. Why aren't *we* gajillionaires? Why don't *you* do what Phil would do?
- Phil Dunphy: Um...
- Claire Dunphy: [Enters] Phil, why didn't you just put the extras leaves in the table?
- Phil Dunphy: Trying to have some fun, be creative!
- Claire Dunphy: One long table, honey. If it was good enough for the Last Supper, it's good enough for us.
- Phil Dunphy: Hey friend. You look like you had a rough day at the office.
- Luke Dunphy: The stress from my job at the Robot Assassin Factory is too much to take. Aw, shoot me an aspirin, pal.
- Phil Dunphy: Maybe someday. But until then, try this on for size. The real HeadScratcher features 32 patent pending 'nogginizers' that gently massage your scalp in a soothing purr of motorized delight.
- Luke Dunphy: Ahhhh. It feels great, and it looks good too. It's a real life saver.
- Phil Dunphy: You mean, a real Head Scratcher?
- Phil Dunphy, Luke Dunphy: Hahahahahahhaha.
- Phil Dunphy: TM.
- Claire Dunphy: [as everyone tries to leave for the football field] No, no, no! I did not just cook for eight hours so you people could run off to prove some asinine point that's only going to make half of us feel bad! Come on! Show a little respect.
- Jay Pritchett: [Everyone quietly sits at the table] Turkey smells great, sweetheart.
- Phil Dunphy: Is that turkey? Because something smells like chicken.
- Claire Dunphy: [Stands back up] Okay, let's settle this.
- [Everyone runs to the cars]
- Mitchell Pritchett: It was a supportive "wah-wah". I was trying to save the moment.
- Cameron Tucker: There is no such thing as a supportive "wah-wah". A "wah-wah" by its very nature is vicious and undercutting.