Victorious (TV Series)

The Hambone King (2012)

Andrew Lewis Caldwell: Merl

Quotes 

• Cat Valentine : My brother drinks milk all day.

  [Robbie, Merl, and Jarold stare at Cat in confusion] 

  Cat Valentine : And he's allergic to dairy, so not good.

  [Tori comes out of the restroom. Tori sees Robbie being confronted by Merl and Jarold. Tori is shocked and worried] 

  Robbie Shapiro : Listen, fellas. I don't want any trouble.

  Merl : Well, you got it.

  Jarold Ardbeg : Outside. You and me.

  Robbie Shapiro : I'm not gonna go out into the night with the two of you.

  [Tori tries her best to leave Nozu without being seen] 

  Merl : I guess you need to be convinced.

  [to Merl, referring to Cat] 

  Jarold Ardbeg : Give his girl a tornado.

  Cat Valentine : What's a tornado?

  [Merl blows in Cat's face] 

  Cat Valentine : Ew! That was so weird!

  [Robbie stands up] 

  Robbie Shapiro : OK. First of all, she's not my girl.

  [to Cat] 

  Robbie Shapiro : Unless you wanna be?

  Cat Valentine : I'm good.

  Merl : You better come outside.

  Jarold Ardbeg : Or else he's gonna give her another one.

  [Robbie and Cat both look at each other, worried] 

  Robbie Shapiro : Let's take this outside.

  [Robbie, Jarold, and Merl leave to go outside. Cat stands up. Cat hurries to Andre and Jade] 

  Cat Valentine : Andre! Jade!

  [Andre stands up] 

  Cat Valentine : Robbie went outside alone with those two...

  André Harris : Don't worry. We got his back. Come on.

  [Andre grabs Cat's hand. Andre and Cat leave to go outside. Jade is left there eating sushi. Andre returns. Andre takes the sushi off Jade and puts it on the table] 

  Jade West : Dude!

  [Andre grabs Jade's hand. Andre and Jade leave to go outside] 

• Robbie Shapiro : My grandma does.

  Cat Valentine : So does my brother. Up top!

  [Cat and Robbie high-five each other. Cat laughs. Andre and Jade enter Nozu. To Robbie and Cat] 

  André Harris : Oh hey, what's up, boy and girl?

  Robbie Shapiro : Oh! Hey!

  [to Robbie, about Andre] 

  Cat Valentine : He noticed our genders!

  [to Andre and Jade] 

  Robbie Shapiro : Wanna come sit with us?

  Jade West : No.

  [Jade walks off to sit at a table. Andre is confused. Andre follows Jade and sits at the same table as Jade. Merl and Jarold enter Nozu] 

  Merl : Hey! Robbie Shapiro?

  Robbie Shapiro : Yeah?

  [Jarold grabs the bowl that has Robbie's dessert] 

  Robbie Shapiro : Th-Th-That's my dessert, what are you...

  [Jarold throws Robbie's dessert to the wall next to Andre. To Jade] 

  André Harris : You order that?

  [Jarold hands back the bowl to Robbie] 

  Merl : Now your dessert's on the wall.

  Robbie Shapiro : What was that for?

  Jarold Ardbeg : 'Cause you're a liar.

  Merl : You've been goin' around callin' yourself the Hambone King.

  [Referring to Jarold] 

  Merl : He's the Hambone King.

  [Jarold points to himself] 

  Jarold Ardbeg : Me.

  Merl : Him.

  Jarold Ardbeg : Not you.

  Merl : Him.

  André Harris : Looks like Robbie's got some trouble.

  Jade West : Yeah. Do you wanna split some soup?

  [Andre is confused. To Merl and Jarold] 

  Cat Valentine : Haven't you guys seen Robbie's hambone video?

  Merl : Yeah. We've seen it.

  Jarold Ardbeg : Made me sick.

  Merl : Jarold could hambone better than you when he was nine years old.

  Robbie Shapiro : Wait. Who's Jarold?

  Jarold Ardbeg : I am.

  Merl : He is.

  Jarold Ardbeg : All day.

• [Robbie, Merl, and Jarold are outside with a crowd. The crowd is chanting Fight. Andre, Cat, and Jade arrive with Kwakoo and more people] 

  André Harris : Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold up!

  [the crowd quiet down. To Merl and Jarold] 

  André Harris : If you boys wanna fight Robbie, you gotta fight me too!

  [to Andre] 

  Robbie Shapiro : Um. Would it be OK if they fought just you? 'Cause...

  [to Robbie and Andre] 

  Merl : Hey, idiots.

  Robbie Shapiro : Yes?

  André Harris : 'Sup?

  [Referring to Jarold] 

  Merl : My boy here don't wanna fight Shapiro.

  [the crowd murmurs. Referring to Nozu] 

  André Harris : Then, ah, how come we're not all back in there eatin' sushi?

  Merl : 'Cause we're about to have ourselves a hambone off!

  [the crowd applaud and cheer] 

  Cat Valentine : My third grade teacher's name was Mr. Boneoff.

  [Everyone stares at Cat in confusion] 

  Cat Valentine : He died.

  Jarold Ardbeg : Come on. Let's hambone!

  [the crowd applaud and cheer] 

  Robbie Shapiro : Jade? Bring me that crate.

  Jade West : Cat? Bring him that crate.

  Cat Valentine : 'K, 'K.

  [Cat gets the crate for Robbie] 

  Robbie Shapiro : Where's Tori?

  Cat Valentine : Maybe she's in the restroom napping.

  [Robbie sits down on the crate] 

  Merl : All right. Standard international hambone rules apply.

  [Merl takes a coin out from his pocket] 

  Merl : Call it.

  [Merl flips the coin] 

  Robbie Shapiro : Quarter.

  Merl : Yeah. We know it's a quarter.

  Jarold Ardbeg : Heads or tails.

  Robbie Shapiro : Who can tell? It was flippin' through the air so fast!

  [to Merl and Jarold, about Robbie] 

  André Harris : He calls heads.

  Cat Valentine : Yay heads!

  [Merl and Jarold check the coin] 

• Merl : It's tails. Jarold goes first.

  [Jarold sits down on his stool. The crowd encourage Jarold. Merl takes Jarold's jacket off of Jarold. Jade begins recording on her mobile phone. To Jarold and Robbie] 

  Merl : Ready? Hambone!

  [Jarold does a successful hambone routine. The crowd cheer. Robbie does a successful hambone routine. The crowd encourage Robbie. The crowd cheer and applaud] 

  Cat Valentine : Go Robbie!

  [Jarold does another successful hambone routine. Kwakoo is impressed by Jarold. The crowd cheer and applaud. The crowd encourage Robbie. Kwakoo is impressed by Robbie. Robbie does an unsuccessful hambone routine] 

  Robbie Shapiro : Ah!

  [the crowd groan. Robbie falls to the ground. Jarold stands up. Merl raises Jarold's arm in celebration. The crowd cheer and applaud] 

  Merl : Jarold wins! The real Hambone King!

  [the crowd continue to cheer and applaud. Kwakoo tears up Robbie's autograph and throws it at Robbie. Kwakoo grunts. Kwakoo, Merl, and Jarold enter Nozu with the crowd. To Robbie] 

  André Harris : Come on, Rob. Let's go back inside.

  Robbie Shapiro : No!

  Cat Valentine : Robbie, come on!

  Jade West : Yeah. We'll get you some ice for your, ah, injuries.

  Robbie Shapiro : No, just-just leave me here on the dirty ground where I belong.

  Jade West : Ok.

  [Andre, Jade, and Cat enter Nozu. Robbie remains on the ground. Robbie sobs. Tori appears from around the corner. Tori approaches Robbie] 

  Tori Vega : Hey.

  Robbie Shapiro : Who's there?

  Tori Vega : A friend. I know how you feel.

  Robbie Shapiro : Sure. What do you know about hamboning?

  [Tori kneels down. Tori shakes her head] 

  Tori Vega : Too much.

  [Tori and Robbie both hug each other] 

• [Outside of Nozu, Mrs. Lee hands over a plate of sushi to Merl and Jarold] 

  Merl : Thanks!

  [about Jarold] 

  Mrs. Lee : When he become a world famous hambone man, you talk about my restaurant when you go on the Jimmy Fallon show!

  [Mrs. Lee enters Nozu. To the group] 

  Merl : Hey! Looks like Shapiro ain't gonna show up.

  André Harris : Yeah. Well I say hey, Robbie'll be here. You can count on that.

  [to Andre] 

  Beck Oliver : Do you really think he's comin'?

  André Harris : I have no idea.

  Merl : Well he's late. Me and the king gotta catch...

  [Tori and Robbie arrive. The crowd applaud and cheer] 

  Tori Vega : Hey idiots! You wanna talk or hambone?

  [the crowd applaud and cheer] 

  Jarold Ardbeg : Tori Vega.

  Tori Vega : What up, Jarold?

  Jarold Ardbeg : You still mad about me and Susie McAllen?

  [Jarold and Merl laugh meanly. The crowd react] 

  Tori Vega : You still pick your nose and eat it?

  [the crowd react. To Jarold, about Tori] 

  Merl : Don't waste your breath on her, king.

  Tori Vega : Oh. Hi, Merl. I see you're still sniffin' Jarold's butt!

  [Merl gets angry] 

  Merl : Hey! That was a dare!

  [the crowd react. Andre and Beck try to get Merl to back away] 

  André Harris : Hey, hey!

  Tori Vega : Oh!

  Beck Oliver : Easy, blondie, easy.

  [Merl backs away. To Jade] 

  Cat Valentine : This hambone battle is really scary.

  Jade West : We're about to watch two nerds compete by slapping themselves. I think we'll be OK.

  [Jade smiles. To Jarold and Merl] 

  Tori Vega : Jarold can go first.

  Jarold Ardbeg : All right. It's on.

  [Robbie laughs] 

  Robbie Shapiro : Like a game of Mahjong.

  [Everyone looks at Robbie in confusion. To Robbie] 

  Tori Vega : Please. Let me do the cool talk.

  [Beck grabs Robbie's jacket off Robbie. Beck shakes the jacket. The crowd encourage Robbie. Jarold and Robbie both sit down. To Robbie] 

  Cat Valentine : Good luck, Robbie.

• [Cat kisses Robbie on the cheek. Robbie smiles. To Jarold and Robbie] 

  Merl : Ready?

  Robbie Shapiro : I'm certainly ready.

  Jarold Ardbeg : Bring it.

  Merl : Hambone!

  [Jarold does a successful hambone routine. The crowd encourage Jarold. The crowd cheer. Robbie does a successful hambone routine. The crowd cheer. Tori applauds. Andre smiles] 

  Tori Vega : Yes!

  Jade West : Yeah.

  [the crowd encourage Jarold. Jarold does a successful hambone routine. The crowd cheer. As Robbie does a hambone routine, to Tori] 

  André Harris : Look at Robbie work!

  Tori Vega : He's doing great. He's gonna take him!

  [as Robbie does a hambone routine, the crowd encourage Robbie. Merl grabs a piece of sushi. Merl throws the piece of sushi to Robbie. Robbie falls to the ground. The crowd react. Jarold stands up] 

  Jarold Ardbeg : Yeah, baby!

  [Robbie stands up] 

  Jarold Ardbeg : Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

  [Jarold and Merl celebrate. Jarold and Merl both hug each other in celebration. The crowd applaud and cheer. Tori picks up the piece of sushi. To the crowd] 

  Tori Vega : Wait! One second!

  [the crowd quiet down. To Merl] 

  Tori Vega : You threw this sushi at him!

  Merl : Did not.

  Tori Vega : Did too. You threw it and messed up his rhythm!

  [Tori throws the piece of sushi to the ground] 

  Robbie Shapiro : I-I can go again.

  Merl : No way. It's over.

  [Merl laughs meanly. To Jarold and Merl] 

  Tori Vega : You cheated!

  Jarold Ardbeg : Still a sore loser, Vega?

  Merl : So, ah, any other pre-turds wanna take on the Hambone King?

  [Jarold picks up his stool. Jarold and Merl turn around to enter Nozu. To Jarold and Merl] 

  Tori Vega : Hey!

  [Jarold and Merl turn back around] 

  Tori Vega : I'll take on the Hambone King.

  [the crowd applaud and cheer. To Tori] 

  Cat Valentine : Wait, Tori, you haven't hamboned in seven years!

  Tori Vega : Well now I have a reason.

  [Tori and Jarold both sit down. Tori takes off her jacket. To Merl] 

  Tori Vega : Call it.

  Merl : Hambone!

  [the crowd encourage Tori. Tori does a successful hambone routine. The crowd applaud and cheer. Jarold does a successful hambone routine. The crowd react. The crowd encourages Tori. Tori and Jarold both hambone. Merl grabs a piece of sushi. Merl throws the piece of sushi to Tori. Robbie sees Merl throw the piece of sushi to Tori] 

  Robbie Shapiro : Tori!

• [Tori catches the piece of sushi with her mouth and eats the piece of sushi. Tori does a successful hambone routine. The crowd applaud and cheer. To Jarold] 

  Merl : Come on! You're up!

  [Jarold does an unsuccessful hambone routine] 

  Jarold Ardbeg : Oh!

  Merl : Wait! Wait!

  Tori Vega : Misbone! Misbone!

  [Tori stands up in celebration. Jarold stands up in disappointment. The crowd applaud and cheer in celebration. Andre and Beck lift Tori up in celebration. Referring to Tori] 

  André Harris , Beck Oliver : The new Hambone King!

  [Tori smiles. The crowd continue to applaud and cheer in celebration] 

  Tori Vega : Queen!

  [Tori chuckles] 

  André Harris , Beck Oliver : Queen!

  [the crowd continue to applaud and cheer in celebration. To Merl] 

  Cat Valentine : Hey! Hey! Hey!

  Merl : What? What?

  [Cat blows in Merl's face] 

  Cat Valentine : Blow back!

  [Cat laughs. Cat runs off to rejoin the group and the crowd. Robbie stands there, confused]