30 Rock (TV Series)

Unwindulax (2012)

Alec Baldwin: Jack Donaghy

Photos 

Quotes 

• Jack Donaghy : Obama's bailout would never have worked if big business hadn't heroically taken it. But where's our parade?

  Liz Lemon : That's idiotic!

  Jack Donaghy : Lemon!

  Liz Lemon : No, sir! You don't have enough shrimp to buy my silence! Also you're out of shrimp!

• Liz Lemon : Jack was right, people don't want an idea bomb dropped on them.

  Tracy Jordan : Don't give up! That is not the Lisa Loeb that I know!

  Liz Lemon : How do I even vote? New York is going to go for Obama anyways. Maybe if I lived in Ohio I could make a difference.

  Tracy Jordan : Actually no, Ohio is going to go for Romney.

  Liz Lemon : You don't know which way Ohio is going.

  Tracy Jordan : But I do know! Liz Lemon, I've done standup in every state in this country. I know the people of America! I know how they think!

  [holds up a US map puzzle] 

  Tracy Jordan : I can tell you exactly how this election is gonna play out.

  Jack Donaghy : Everyone knows that Romney has a vacation home in New Hampshire, but they don't know that he hunts people on that property. Therefore, New Hampshire goes to Obama.

  Tracy Jordan : North Carolina goes to Romney. I know, I did shows there this summer, and they are not on board with a black man lecturing them. I don't care if it's Obama talking about health care, or me talking about white butts. They are different than black butts!

  Jack Donaghy : Pennsylvania is Obama's. The voting machines there have become sentient, and are strongly in favor of gay marriage.

  Tracy Jordan : We're not gonna win Wisconsin, I don't know why.

  Jack Donaghy : Ever since Tracy set fire to Lambeau Field, Wisconsinites are strongly coming around in favor of the death penalty. That just leaves...

  Tracy Jordan : Florida, the penis of America!

  Jack Donaghy : Florida, the penis of America.

  Tracy Jordan : Now just like any penis, Florida is very complicated. The Cubans in the South - very conservative. I had a lot of expensive cigars put out on me in Miami comedy clubs.

  Jack Donaghy : But central Florida is dominated by retirees, serial killers, and secretly gay Disney princes, all of whom love Obama. Meanwhile, Northern Florida... huh.

  Tracy Jordan : The only crowds I could never figure out were in Northern Florida. One minute they're laughing at me, the next they're laughing at me.

  Jack Donaghy : According to this, the electorate there is impossible to predict. It's a combination of elderly shut ins, beach bums, bus passengers...

  Tracy Jordan : Bus passengers that ran out of money, swamp people, and pirates! These people don't like being told what to do, they just want to sit on the beach and drink. Their motto is "Unwindulax".

  Liz Lemon : Oh my god! One person can make a difference, and that person is Jenna!

  Jack Donaghy : The next president of the United States will be chosen by Jenna Maroney!

• Liz Lemon : Did your girlfriend even cancel or was that more Karl Rove trickery?

  Jack Donaghy : I'm sorry, but I needed you to come, Lemon. This luncheon is a fundraiser for my personal Super PAC, "Americans for an American America". I needed to unite the room around a common enemy, and Ed Begley, Jr. wasn't available because the sail on his car broke.

• Liz Lemon : What the hell, Jack? I thought you said I was your chum.

  Jack Donaghy : You are my chum. The bait I throw in the water to attract the big fish.

  Liz Lemon : Dammit! Second meaning!

• Jack Donaghy : Gentlemen! Token silent lady... We have to spend all of our wonderful money and help my hair-mentor, Mitt Romney, become the eleventh legitimate president of the United States.

• Jack Donaghy : Garrett, what does the campaign need?

  Garrett Romney : Well, as you know, with PACs like this, we're not allowed to have direct contact with candidates.

  [snickers] 

  Garrett Romney : I'm kidding. I'm Garrett Romney. Mitt's my dad. But here's the thing, Jack. My Brother-Dad, which is Mormon for "Dad", has more money than he knows what to do with.

  Jack Donaghy : With all due respect, Garrett, I don't think that's a thing.

• Liz Lemon : So you may have millions of dollars, sir, but America's will hear my two cents.

  Jack Donaghy : That's not what people want, Lemon, least of all from their televisions. They want their "Honeys Boo Boo" and their Sunday Night Feetball, which is the plural of "football".

• Garrett Romney : Well, it's just, at this point in the campaign, for us it's more about ideas than cash.

  Jack Donaghy : Garrett, I would slap you if I didn't know you were going to get your own planet when you die. And until your father has 100% of the vote, I think we can still make a difference. I mean, look how poorly we're polling with African-Americans.

  Garrett Romney : Jack, there's no amount of money that can...

  Jack Donaghy : How dare you talk that way in front of the pile!

  [motions to the large pile of money] 

  Jack Donaghy : There's no problem in the world that can't be solved by throwing money at it. Now, let's change some black minds.