- Ebenezer Scrooge: Here's some cash, run to the shop and buy the best-looking turkey they got, the biggest and the fattest, and send it to Bob Cratchit!
- Turkey Boy: I can't carry that, it's freaking huge!
- Ebenezer Scrooge: Good point! Here's more cash to cab it, just don't say that it's from Scrooge!
- Ebenezer Scrooge: Who are you again?
- Jacob Marley: Scrooge, don't pretend. I'm Marley, I'm your dead friend.
- Ebenezer Scrooge: I won't believe it, don't wanna hear it.
- Jacob Marley: No way, am I your first spirit?
- Ebenezer Scrooge: You're just indigestion.
- Jacob Marley: What a suggestion, to a ghost that's pretty offensive.
- Ebenezer Scrooge: You're just a nightmare!
- Jacob Marley: Stop you right there!
- Ebenezer Scrooge: Fine! You're real, what do I care?
- Narrator: So Scrooge is working.
- Bob Cratchit: And his clerk is clerking.
- Fred: When in walks Fred, Scrooge's nephew! Hi, Scrooge, Merry Christmas!
- Ebenezer Scrooge: What the hell is this?
- Fred: Merry Christmas, uncle, God bless you!
- Ebenezer Scrooge: What's so merry about it, Fred? Aren't you still super poor, aren't you still in debt?
- Fred: Well, what's so shitty about it, Scrooge? You're still rich!
- Ebenezer Scrooge: Oh, bah!
- Fred: Uncle Scrooge, I'm just saying "hey" and inviting you to dinner on Christmas Day. You're my family even though you're a total dick.
- Narrator: Scrooge looks in his nephew's face, he knows the perfect thing to say.
- Ebenezer Scrooge: Bah Humbug! Bah Humbug! Christmas with you and your wife, I'd rather take my own life! Bah Humbug! Bah Humbug! Goodbye, good afternoon!
- Fred: Okay, I love you too. Freddy's not surprised, he always knew.
- Narrator, Bob Cratchit, Fred: There's no meaner dude than Ebenezer Scrooge!
- Christmas Past: I'm the Ghost, I'm the Ghost of Christmas Past. I'm the Ghost who will guide you through. Even though, even though, you're done with the past, the past isn't done with you.
- Ebenezer Scrooge: Oh my God, impossible. I went to school here. I'd know it anywhere, I know each desk and chair. I was popular, so cool here.
- Christmas Past: And who's that over there? I see a boy sitting all alone.
- Ebenezer Scrooge: Dad made me stay at school.
- Christmas Past: His classmates have all gone home.
- Ebenezer Scrooge: He was pretty cruel.
- Christmas Past: Spending Christmas all alone.
- Ebenezer Scrooge: Nothing to do, nowhere else to go.
- Scrooge's Sister: Daddy said "yes", big brother, you can come home!
- Young Scrooge: Oh my God, I could kiss you, you're the best little sister!
- Scrooge's Sister: We'll have Christmas with each other, you won't be alone.
- Ebenezer Scrooge: I forgot how much I missed her.
- Christmas Past: She died far too young.
- Ebenezer Scrooge: She was the best.
- Christmas Past: And didn't she have a son?
- Ebenezer Scrooge: That's correct.
- Christmas Past: And he lives in London?
- Ebenezer Scrooge: Yes, his name is Fred.