- Demetri Martin: Surprise parties are strange because people jump up and they yell the word 'Surprise'; at the party. I came home and you emerged from my furniture. You don't have to tell me how to feel. I don't need a hint.
- Demetri Martin: I was in the store and I saw prune juice on the shelf. I stopped because I thought, 'Wait a minute... I thought prunes were dried plums? What the hell is this stuff? How hard are we squeezing these prunes? This is plum juice isn't it, prunes? This is plum juice.' Nice try prunes, trying to take plums credit.
- Demetri Martin: It's hard to know what's 'gay' in life. Like Boxing; that's two guys in their underwear fighting over a belt.
- Demetri Martin: Why is it that people who can eat really spicy food think that the rest of us give a shit?