Ted 2 (2015)
Mark Wahlberg: John
Photos
Quotes
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[a library full of semen samples falls over John, spilling everything]
John : Oh, I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!
Ted : We are so sorry!
Female Nurse : Well I guess it's alright - those are the rejected sickle cell samples.
Ted : Did you hear that, Johnny? You're covered in rejected black guy sperm. You look like a Kardashian.
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Comic : So first, we need a historical event. Who's got an event?
Ted : 9/11!
Comic : Oh oh, okay. Okay, maybe something else. Uh, let's start with a person.
John : Robin Williams!
Comic : Okay, alright. For real, guys, for real. Who's got a person?
Ted : Robin Williams on 9/11!
Comic : Alright, we've heard from these guys, uh, let's maybe give somebody else over here a chance. How about a location? Let's go with a location.
Ted : The offices of Charlie Hebdo!
Comic : Okay, seriously, sir, I just need a location.
John : Ferguson, Missouri!
Ted : Germanwings cockpit!
Comic : Okay, I heard Starbucks!
Ted : No, you didn't!
John : Nobody said Starbucks.
Comic : Alright, Starbucks! Okay now, who's in the Starbucks?
Ted : Bill Cosby!
Comic : You people are monsters.
John : We're giving you the tools, buddy! Come on, make some fucking comedy!
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Ted : What's your middle name?
Samantha Jackson : Leslie.
Ted : Oh, my God! You're Sam L. Jackson!
John : That's great! I mean, just like Sam L. Jackson.
Samantha Jackson : Who is that?
Ted : You ever seen any movie ever? He's the black guy.
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Ted : Oh my God, John, did you see that? She was totally giving you the "fuck me" eyes.
John : No, she wasn't.
Ted : She was giving you the "fuck me" eyes.
Samantha Jackson : What are the "fuck me" eyes?
Ted : Yeah, it's just some women just have "fuck me" eyes.
Samantha Jackson : Do I have "fuck me" eyes?
Ted : No, you have "Give me the ring, my precious" eyes.
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Ted : What the fuck!
John : Holy shit, dude! What's the matter? What happened? What's going on?
Ted : There's so much porn!
John : What the hell are you doing, looking at my private shit?
Ted : What are you talking about, "private shit"? Johnny, it was wide open! There are literally thousands of files here!
John : Well, I've been meaning to clear some of that up!
Ted : Jesus Chri-Look at the organization here! "Clockwise Rimjob"? "Counterclockwise Rimjob"?
John : Yeah, well, sometimes, we like seeing the tongue go the other way!
Ted : You sick bastard! Look at this! "Chicks With Dicks"!
John : Oh my God! Oh my God, I have a disease! Allright? I need help!
Ted : There are no chicks with dicks, Johnny! Only guys with tits!
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Samantha Jackson : Hi, have any of you guys seen a talking teddy bear, he...
Comic-Con Fan : [interrupts] Shh! They're about to announce the new Superman.
Film Executive : The new Superman is... Jonah Hill!
John : Fuck!
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Samantha Jackson : Alright, I've got 'Dred Scott v. Sandford', 'Plessy v. Ferguson', and 'Brown v. The Board of Education'.
John : I got 'Kramer vs. Kramer', 'Alien vs. Predator', and 'Freddy vs. Jason'.
Ted : I got, uh, 'Earnest Goes to Camp', 'Earnest Goes to Jail', and 'The Importance of Being Earnest' which was very disappointing.
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John : We just broke into Tom Brady's house and tried to jerk him off - you're ready to be a parent.
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[from trailer]
Samantha Jackson : All right, I'm going to ask you these test questions. Are you ready?
Ted : Yup, bring it on.
Samantha Jackson : Do you consider yourself to be human?
Ted : Objection!
John : Sustained!
Samantha Jackson : You know, the witness can't object.
John : Overruled.
Ted : Sidebar.
John : Guilty!
Ted : Speculation.
John : Hearsay!
Ted : Bailiff.
John : Briefcase.
Ted : Disregard.
John : In my chambers.
Ted : Stop beavering the witness.
John : I rest.
Ted : We could totally be lawyers.
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Ted : I think it's time to play the Beetlejuice card.
John : What?
Ted : I mean, saying his name three times so he appears.
John : Are you fucking crazy? We don't want that guy running around here!
Ted : No, it'll be fine! he'll be on our side! Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetle...
John : Hey, you are messing with powers you do not understand, alright! Cut the shit!
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John : [to Tom Brady] You're not a cheater. I mean, I think your balls are perfect.
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[Unrated version only, John lists a long list of fictional last names in rapid order for Ted's last name]
John : Skywalker, Solo, Vader, Kenobi, Palpatine, Calrissian, Balboa, Rambo, Griswold, Stepford, Bickle, Gump, Corleone, Wonka, Lebowski, Venkman, Spengler, Stantz, Rizzo, Zuko, Golightly, Higgins, Dolittle, Poppins, Bond, Blofeld, Blutarsky, Soze, O'Hara, Butler, McFly, Plissken, Ventura, Burgundy, Scissorhands, Drebin, Bueller, Lecter, Dumbledore, Sparrow, Doubtfire, Bourne, Von Trapp, Zoolander, Kirk, Spock, McCoy...
Ted : Clubber Lang!
John : FUCKING...
Ted : Hahaha!
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Samantha Jackson : Can either of you tell me who wrote the Great Gatsby?
John : Judy Bloome?
Ted : Hitler?
Samantha Jackson : F. Scott Fitzgerald.
John : Who's that?
Samantha Jackson : The author.
John : Well, why are you saying "fuck him"?
Samantha Jackson : [Sam is confused] What?
Ted : You just said Eff Scott Fitzgerald. I mean, what would Scott Fitzgerald do to you?
John : Yeah.
Samantha Jackson : No, that's his first name.
Ted : His name's Fuck Scott Fitzgerald?
Samantha Jackson : What? No!
John : Well, what does the F stand for?
Samantha Jackson : Francis.
Ted : No, it's got to be Fuck. It's got to be Fuck.
John : It must be Fuck. It has to be Fuck.
Samantha Jackson : Why the hell would it be "Fuck"?
John : Well, 'cuz otherwise, why wouldn't he just say it?
Ted : Yeah, he's hiding something. It's Fuck. It's Fuck. It's Fuck.
John : It's Fuck. It's Fuck.
Samantha Jackson : That's completely insane. You guys are idiots.
Ted : Yeah, well, whatever. Ted Clubberlang, get used to it.
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[Ted smokes some marijuana using Sam's penis-shaped bong. John pulls out his smartphone and takes a picture]
Ted : Oh, what the fuck? What are you doing?
John : [texting] Hashtag: My amazing summer.
Ted : God dammit, what the hell is wrong with you?
John : Oh, I fucking owe you, you bastard.
Ted : What do you mean? I was just messing around.
John : Oh, shut up and suck that dick.
Ted : Oh, fuck you.
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[Samantha smokes weed on a penis-shaped bong]
John : Please tell me that's not the only bong you brought on this trip.
Ted : Yeah, Sam. This, this puts us in a kind of awkward position here. I mean, we wanna get high too.
John : I don't have any papers or nothing.
Samantha Jackson : Is this hilarious? I got it at a bachelorette party.
[giggles]
Samantha Jackson : It's so stupid. Here, try it.
John : Uh, no.
Samantha Jackson : Why?
John : I don't wanna put a big glass cock in my mouth.
Samantha Jackson : Oh, you think this is big?
Ted : [laughing] Johnny, you walked right into that one, pal.
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Samantha Jackson : [Unrated version] I love New York.
John : Yeah, there's no bullshit with these people.
Ted : Yeah, you always know who you're dealing with in New York.
[Out the car window, to a group]
Ted : Hello, Jews!
[the groups says hello back]
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[Unrated version only]
Ted : Attention, everyone. May I have your attention, please? Johnny and I have prepared something very special for you here. Let's have it, fellas.
Ted : When you hear the sound of thunder don't you get too scared.
John : Just grab your thunder buddy and say these magic words.
Ted : Oh, fuck you, thunder! You can suck my dick!
John : Oh, fuck you, thunder! You can suck my dick!
Ted : You can't get me, thunder 'cause you're just God's farts. Yeah!
John : You can't get me, thunder 'cause you're just God's farts. Yeah!
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Comic-Con Presenter : The new Superman is... Jonah Hill.
John : FUCK!
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Ted : That weed is really good. It reminds me of the strain I smoked last summer called "Here Comes Autism."
John : Yeah, I was just gonna say it's sort of like this other batch we had called..."How Long Has That Van Been There?"
Samantha Jackson : No, it's this new strain my dealer gave me called "Help Me Get Home."
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Samantha Jackson : [Alternate scene] Can either of you tell me what happened in World War I?
John : Yeah. I mean, the whole world was fighting.
Ted : It's a lot of anger. A lot of anger.
Samantha Jackson : Any specifics?
John : A lot of people died.
Ted : Too many, if you ask me.
Samantha Jackson : Where did it take place?
John : All over the world.
Ted : Thus, World War I.
John : And that was the first one.
Ted : Of many.
Samantha Jackson : You guys need to get fucking educated!
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Ted : Right. You see the thing is, we don't wanna take any chances, because the stakes are so significant.
John : We can't rush into anything. We got to make sure we're making the right decision.
Ted : We really appreciate your time, but what we're probably gonna do is...
[Samantha takes a hit from bong]
Ted : Just take a seat and get to work.
John : Trust you completely.
Ted : We really feel you got a lot to offer.
Samantha Jackson : Sorry you don't mind the pot, do you? I get migraines.
John : Oh, absolutely. Me too.
Ted : That's fine. I'm gonna get a huge migraine in the parking lot in about 20 minuets.
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[Sam J. Jones dresses as Flash Gordon sees that John and Samantha at Comic-Con]
Sam J. Jones : Hey, Bennett!
John : [looks at Flash Gordon] Oh, shit.
Sam J. Jones : You messed up my car! What the hell is wrong with you?
John : Look, Sam. This is really a bad time, all right? Something happened to Ted.
Sam J. Jones : Oh! But, it's a good time for you to vandalize my Chrysler though!
John : Hey, fuck your Chrysler!
[Sam Jones began to fighting John and all the people at Comic-Con]
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[Ted and John roam around the forest to pick up firewood when John notices a marijuana leaf]
John : What the hell?
[John sniffs the leaf]
John : Holy shit! Hey, Ted! You know what this is? It's Super Lemon Haze.
[Ted turns around and is amazed by what he sees while he walks towards John]
John : It's a really rare strain. It's a cross between Lemon Skunk and Super Silver Haze. It's totally potent. I mean, I've only had it once in my life and it was one of the best highs I ever had. What the hell is a leaf of that stuff doing outin the middle of a...
[Ted grabs John's head and has him look to the right. John gets up and is astonished by the sight of marijuana crops in front of him]
John : Dear God! Dear God in heaven!
Ted : So beautiful!
[sobs]
Ted : It's so beautiful!
Samantha Jackson : No words. No words. They should've sent a poet.
Ted : They're moving in herds. They do move in herds.
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Samantha Jackson : [almost hits 3 Star Wars fans who were on their way to Comic-Con with her car]
Obi-Wan : Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Stormtrooper : Whoa! Whoa!
Samantha Jackson : Jesus! Watch where you're going!
Stormtrooper : It's a crosswalk, jackass! We have the right way!
John : Yeah.
Ted : Whoa!
John : Whoa! Hey, what the hell you doing walking around, dressed like Star Wars?
Obi-Wan : It's Comic-Con you idiot. We're going to the Javits Center.
John : Well you're the idiots, because you three guys would never be walking together!
Ted : Yeah, you're HIS boss, and you two guys are enemies!
Samantha Jackson : Yeah, bite me Captain Kirk!
John : Hey hey, whoa now come on, no, that's Star Trek!
Ted : No, that's two different franchises
John : Yeah, sorry guys, she doesn't know.
Stormtrooper : Nah, it's okay. Sorry you have to deal with that. Let's go.
[Star Wars fans continue their walk to Comic-Con but then the guy in the Darth Vader outfit tries to use the force on them]
Obi-Wan : No, hey come on, it's not worth it man. It's not worth it.
