Ted 2 (2015)
Amanda Seyfried: Samantha
Photos
Quotes
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Ted : What's your middle name?
Samantha Jackson : Leslie.
Ted : Oh, my God! You're Sam L. Jackson!
John : That's great! I mean, just like Sam L. Jackson.
Samantha Jackson : Who is that?
Ted : You ever seen any movie ever? He's the black guy.
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Ted : Oh my God, John, did you see that? She was totally giving you the "fuck me" eyes.
John : No, she wasn't.
Ted : She was giving you the "fuck me" eyes.
Samantha Jackson : What are the "fuck me" eyes?
Ted : Yeah, it's just some women just have "fuck me" eyes.
Samantha Jackson : Do I have "fuck me" eyes?
Ted : No, you have "Give me the ring, my precious" eyes.
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Samantha Jackson : Hi, have any of you guys seen a talking teddy bear, he...
Comic-Con Fan : [interrupts] Shh! They're about to announce the new Superman.
Film Executive : The new Superman is... Jonah Hill!
John : Fuck!
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Samantha Jackson : Alright, I've got 'Dred Scott v. Sandford', 'Plessy v. Ferguson', and 'Brown v. The Board of Education'.
John : I got 'Kramer vs. Kramer', 'Alien vs. Predator', and 'Freddy vs. Jason'.
Ted : I got, uh, 'Earnest Goes to Camp', 'Earnest Goes to Jail', and 'The Importance of Being Earnest' which was very disappointing.
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[from trailer]
Samantha Jackson : All right, I'm going to ask you these test questions. Are you ready?
Ted : Yup, bring it on.
Samantha Jackson : Do you consider yourself to be human?
Ted : Objection!
John : Sustained!
Samantha Jackson : You know, the witness can't object.
John : Overruled.
Ted : Sidebar.
John : Guilty!
Ted : Speculation.
John : Hearsay!
Ted : Bailiff.
John : Briefcase.
Ted : Disregard.
John : In my chambers.
Ted : Stop beavering the witness.
John : I rest.
Ted : We could totally be lawyers.
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Judge : Ms. Jackson please control your client or I will hold you both in contempt of court.
Ted : Oh, piss off! All right? I'm standing up for me, and I'm standing up for the homos! We deserve respect!
Samantha Jackson : Ted, shut up!
Ted : Fine!
[Ted begins to play Angry birds on his iPhone]
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Samantha Jackson : Can either of you tell me who wrote the Great Gatsby?
John : Judy Bloome?
Ted : Hitler?
Samantha Jackson : F. Scott Fitzgerald.
John : Who's that?
Samantha Jackson : The author.
John : Well, why are you saying "fuck him"?
Samantha Jackson : [Sam is confused] What?
Ted : You just said Eff Scott Fitzgerald. I mean, what would Scott Fitzgerald do to you?
John : Yeah.
Samantha Jackson : No, that's his first name.
Ted : His name's Fuck Scott Fitzgerald?
Samantha Jackson : What? No!
John : Well, what does the F stand for?
Samantha Jackson : Francis.
Ted : No, it's got to be Fuck. It's got to be Fuck.
John : It must be Fuck. It has to be Fuck.
Samantha Jackson : Why the hell would it be "Fuck"?
John : Well, 'cuz otherwise, why wouldn't he just say it?
Ted : Yeah, he's hiding something. It's Fuck. It's Fuck. It's Fuck.
John : It's Fuck. It's Fuck.
Samantha Jackson : That's completely insane. You guys are idiots.
Ted : Yeah, well, whatever. Ted Clubberlang, get used to it.
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Samantha Jackson : Ted, do you love your wife?
Shep Wild : Objection. She's not his wife. The marriage was annulled.
Samantha Jackson : I'll rephrase. Do you love Tami-Lynn?
Ted : I love my *wife*. Okay, my wife. More than anything in the world. We're married, I don't care what anybody says.
-
[Samantha smokes weed on a penis-shaped bong]
John : Please tell me that's not the only bong you brought on this trip.
Ted : Yeah, Sam. This, this puts us in a kind of awkward position here. I mean, we wanna get high too.
John : I don't have any papers or nothing.
Samantha Jackson : Is this hilarious? I got it at a bachelorette party.
[giggles]
Samantha Jackson : It's so stupid. Here, try it.
John : Uh, no.
Samantha Jackson : Why?
John : I don't wanna put a big glass cock in my mouth.
Samantha Jackson : Oh, you think this is big?
Ted : [laughing] Johnny, you walked right into that one, pal.
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Samantha Jackson : [Unrated version] I love New York.
John : Yeah, there's no bullshit with these people.
Ted : Yeah, you always know who you're dealing with in New York.
[Out the car window, to a group]
Ted : Hello, Jews!
[the groups says hello back]
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Ted : That weed is really good. It reminds me of the strain I smoked last summer called "Here Comes Autism."
John : Yeah, I was just gonna say it's sort of like this other batch we had called..."How Long Has That Van Been There?"
Samantha Jackson : No, it's this new strain my dealer gave me called "Help Me Get Home."
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Samantha Jackson : [Alternate scene] Can either of you tell me what happened in World War I?
John : Yeah. I mean, the whole world was fighting.
Ted : It's a lot of anger. A lot of anger.
Samantha Jackson : Any specifics?
John : A lot of people died.
Ted : Too many, if you ask me.
Samantha Jackson : Where did it take place?
John : All over the world.
Ted : Thus, World War I.
John : And that was the first one.
Ted : Of many.
Samantha Jackson : You guys need to get fucking educated!
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Ted : Right. You see the thing is, we don't wanna take any chances, because the stakes are so significant.
John : We can't rush into anything. We got to make sure we're making the right decision.
Ted : We really appreciate your time, but what we're probably gonna do is...
[Samantha takes a hit from bong]
Ted : Just take a seat and get to work.
John : Trust you completely.
Ted : We really feel you got a lot to offer.
Samantha Jackson : Sorry you don't mind the pot, do you? I get migraines.
John : Oh, absolutely. Me too.
Ted : That's fine. I'm gonna get a huge migraine in the parking lot in about 20 minuets.
-
[Ted and John roam around the forest to pick up firewood when John notices a marijuana leaf]
John : What the hell?
[John sniffs the leaf]
John : Holy shit! Hey, Ted! You know what this is? It's Super Lemon Haze.
[Ted turns around and is amazed by what he sees while he walks towards John]
John : It's a really rare strain. It's a cross between Lemon Skunk and Super Silver Haze. It's totally potent. I mean, I've only had it once in my life and it was one of the best highs I ever had. What the hell is a leaf of that stuff doing outin the middle of a...
[Ted grabs John's head and has him look to the right. John gets up and is astonished by the sight of marijuana crops in front of him]
John : Dear God! Dear God in heaven!
Ted : So beautiful!
[sobs]
Ted : It's so beautiful!
Samantha Jackson : No words. No words. They should've sent a poet.
Ted : They're moving in herds. They do move in herds.
-
Samantha Jackson : [almost hits 3 Star Wars fans who were on their way to Comic-Con with her car]
Obi-Wan : Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Stormtrooper : Whoa! Whoa!
Samantha Jackson : Jesus! Watch where you're going!
Stormtrooper : It's a crosswalk, jackass! We have the right way!
John : Yeah.
Ted : Whoa!
John : Whoa! Hey, what the hell you doing walking around, dressed like Star Wars?
Obi-Wan : It's Comic-Con you idiot. We're going to the Javits Center.
John : Well you're the idiots, because you three guys would never be walking together!
Ted : Yeah, you're HIS boss, and you two guys are enemies!
Samantha Jackson : Yeah, bite me Captain Kirk!
John : Hey hey, whoa now come on, no, that's Star Trek!
Ted : No, that's two different franchises
John : Yeah, sorry guys, she doesn't know.
Stormtrooper : Nah, it's okay. Sorry you have to deal with that. Let's go.
[Star Wars fans continue their walk to Comic-Con but then the guy in the Darth Vader outfit tries to use the force on them]
Obi-Wan : No, hey come on, it's not worth it man. It's not worth it.
