Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

Catwoman (2013)

Doug Walker: Nostalgia Critic, Chester A. Bum

Quotes 

• Nostalgia Critic : This film not only tops a lot of "worst comic book films of all time" lists, but it also tops a lot of "worst films of all time, period" lists. And you can definitely see why: It is a special kind of "bad". The kind of bad that the main characters from "The Producers" would put together as an intentional flop to cash in on some sort of money scheme. Yeah... that bad!

• Nostalgia Critic : [about Ophelia]  So she shows all the photoshopped pictures of history she says that she's been given a gift that's been passed on through the ages, and that she has tried to prove this theory as a professor in the past, but nobody has ever believed her. Why?

  Ophelia : Male academia.

  Nostalgia Critic : ...I'm sorry, what was the reasoning again?

  Ophelia : Male academia.

  Nostalgia Critic : ...Okay. Look, lady. Um, I'm not gonna act like there isn't some double standard bullshit going on in the world. Uh, women getting paid less than men, that's bullshit. Uh, men sleeping around with women being called a player, but a woman sleeps around with men, she's called a slut, that's bullshit. But when you go around with your "theories" that there are in fact "Catwomen" who exist today and have existed years in the past because the spirits of the Egyptian gods are in these little tiny felines going around who breathe on dead women, bringing them back to life, a sort of "Catwoman zombie", if you will, who now exist and fight crime even to this day... why do you think nobody believed you again?

  Ophelia : Male academia.

  Nostalgia Critic : [makes buzzer sound]  Wrong! It's because you're fucking crazy! Male academia? Suck my sexist, women-bashing, chauvinistic, stripper-watching, porn-loving, overly-paid dick!

  [shows Patience in her Catwoman outfit] 

  Nostalgia Critic : If this movie's all "women are power," how come in the next scene she's dressed like a poster a 13-year old boy would hang over his bed and jerk off to?

• [the Critic is completely weirded out by Patience's cat-like behavior] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Movie, come on! This is a third grader's idea of what Catwoman should be, not paid writers and directors. No, I take it back. Third graders read comics, so even they would have a better understanding of what makes a better Catwoman than you! Julie Newmar would be telling you to calm down. Crazy cat ladies would be calling you crazy cat lady. Is this really, like, your best foot forward? Years and years of rewrites and fine tuning and this is honestly what you've come up with? We haven't even gotten into the dumbass costume yet and already I'm embarrassed for you! I'm embarrassed to look at you! It's like that kid that joins the football team, even though he's like that big...

  [raises hand out at shoulder level to approximate size] 

  Nostalgia Critic : ... but you show your support anyway, but then it turns out you shouldn't have because he's in the hospital with five fractured ribs, and he's like, "Why'd you support me? Why'd you show your support?" and it's like, I don't know, I saw a movie where a woman sniffed catnip and it fucked me up! I mean, really? Who would take being a Catwoman this ridiculously serious?

• Nostalgia Critic : We see Catwoman goes inside a club in thinking she can find the answers of who tried to kill her.

  Bartender : What can I do for you?

  Catwoman : White Russian. No ice, hold the vodka, hold the Kahlua.

  [translation: just plain milk and cream] 

  Nostalgia Critic : ...I'M A CAT!

• [the movie had opened with Patience having died] 

  Nostalgia Critic : But we'll of course get back to that later as we see the EVIL corporation our main character works for: make-up! But they're trying to hide that better as the husband and wife owners of the company, the wife played by Sharon Stone, are stepping down from being its spokespeople because... they just fucking look evil!

• [this is in reaction to the "payoff" of the contrast that was building between Patience's old, meek self, and her new, confident Catwoman self] 

  Nostalgia Critic : YEAH! THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT WE SAW BEFORE! THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT WE SAW BEFORE! THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT WE SAW BEFORE! WHOO!

• [the Critic's doorbell rings and he answers the door; it's the Catwomen] 

  Anne Hathaway : He opened it! I can't believe he just opened it!

  [the next thing he knows, the Critic gets punched in the face by Michelle so hard, he falls to the floor] 

  Michelle Pfeiffer : Cat's out of the bag, Critic.

  Sean Young : We need a role we can sink our teeth into.

  Anne Hathaway : And you have the purr-fect part.

  Eartha Kitt : Cat-related pun.

  Nostalgia Critic : What the hell's going on here? What do you want?

  Sean Young : We're here to star in your Catwoman review.

  Michelle Pfeiffer : So we can show up that cow horse, Halle Berry.

  Nostalgia Critic : [getting up]  Forget it! You're not stealing this review from me!

  Anne Hathaway : Very well, you've forced us to take action.

  Eartha Kitt : Get ready to be declawed.

• [the Catwomen try to attack the Critic, only to fall over on their high heels because of the carpet] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Aha! You've fallen for the Catwoman's greatest weakness: fetish fuel!

• [while being pursued by the Catwomen, the Critic comes across a book called "How To Train Your Catwoman" by Michael Gough] 

  Nostalgia Critic : [reading from the book]  "Try playing to the Catwoman's duality, it often wins them critical praise."

  [looks towards the Catwomen] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Hey! You seem very... two people-ish!

  Michelle Pfeiffer : Are you kidding? I am so psychologically tortured.

  Anne Hathaway : What do you mean? I'm the one who's constantly switching sides.

  Sean Young : Hey, I'm extremely complex.

  Eartha Kitt : Oh, please, you never even got a chance to be in the role.

  Michelle Pfeiffer : My dreams were crushed in the first third of screen time.

  Anne Hathaway : Oh yeah? Well, can you sing about your dreams like this?

  [starts singing] 

  Anne Hathaway : I dreamed a dream in time gone by...

  [she gets interrupted by the other Catwomen, who all engage in a literal cat fight; the Critic, meanwhile, slips away to continue his review] 

• [the husband-and-wife owners of the company that Patience works at announce that they are stepping down; they laugh evilly as they say this] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Okay, quick word of advice to anyone joining a large corporation. If your bosses laugh like this...

  [mimics an evil laugh] 

  Nostalgia Critic : EVIL! Or how about if your performance creates the unforgivable sin of making Rupert Everett look subtle?

  [in the movie, George is criticizing Patience's designs] 

  George : This isn't even close to what I wanted.

  Patience : I know I can fix it.

  George : I do not reward incompetence. I have no idea why I expected your art to show better taste than your wardrobe.

  Nostalgia Critic : [talking like George]  You totally put me off my "dick in caviar" party! I bet you didn't even know we threw those, did you?

• Nostalgia Critic : Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic; I remember it so you don't have to. When the movie "Batman Returns" came out, people mostly had one reaction: the hell was that?

  [shows a shot of Danny DeVito as the Penguin] 

  Nostalgia Critic : But they also had another reaction: Catwoman was pretty cool. And thus a movie based on the anti-hero was in development forever. Tim Burton went back and forth on the project, Michelle Pfeiffer went back and forth on the project, scripts were rewritten and retooled, until it finally reached the perfection that only years and years of development can give us. Just look at the costume of our main character...

  [shows an image of Halle Berry as Catwoman, causing the Critic to avert his eyes] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh god, let's just get this over with!

• Nostalgia Critic : [Catwoman's real name is Patience]  Yes, our kind, quiet innocent is named Patience. The same as naming these guys...

  [shows an image of Darth Vader] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Meanie...

  [shows an image of Batman] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Brutie...

  [shows images of the husband-and-wife owners of the make-up factory] 

  Nostalgia Critic : ... or EVIL!

• Nostalgia Critic : [Patience refuses to wear the leather outfit she has to wear]  Ooh, I hope this is creating more contrast! Because if it isn't, that line would be totally awkward and pointless, but if it is, oh boy-ee!

• [Patience goes to Ophelia to figure out her split personality as Catwoman] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, and here's a fun game. Bet yourself ten dollars that you can listen to this explanation of who she is without cracking a smile.

  [Patience is shown a variety of Catwomen over vast periods of time and history] 

  Ophelia : You follow your own desires. This is both a blessing and a curse. You are a Catwoman. Incredibly heightened.

  Patience : So I'm not Patience anymore?

  Ophelia : You are Patience... and you are Catwoman.

  Nostalgia Critic : You just lost ten dollars, didn't you?

• Nostalgia Critic : We open with our main character deceased, obviously trying to symbolize the movie's ability of being dead on arrival.

• Nostalgia Critic : [seeing Patience's Catwoman costume close up]  Look at that thing. It looks even dumber close up, doesn't it? I can't tell you how it looks on her far away, 'cause I never see it on her far away. Instead, they place it on her CGI puppet which makes me keep checking the TV to make sure I haven't put on a rerun of fucking "ReBoot"! Someone needs to show these idiots how Catwoman is really done!

• [the phone rings and the Critic answers it] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Hello?

  Michelle Pfeiffer : [on the phone]  Hello, Critic. We're just giving you a fair warning that you better watch your back and keep an eye out around every corner, because a fearsome band of sharp-toothed panthers are on the prowl.

  [Michelle hangs up and the Critic puts the phone down] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Okay, guess I'm not gonna throw caution to the wind here.

• Nostalgia Critic : [about to review "Catwoman"]  I'd say let's review it, but really, this is more like a study. A study in asking the questions, how? Why? And... no, those are enough. Let's go ahead and "study" the epic failure that is "Catwoman".

• Nostalgia Critic : Okay, is it me, or is the editing in this movie out of control? When it has nothing to cut to, it will literally cut to itself. I don't care how short your audience's attention span is, only cut when you have something to cut to! It's like a boxer who has nobody to fight, so he just...

  [lightly punches himself] 

  Nostalgia Critic : ... hits himself.

• Nostalgia Critic : [about Patience's timidity]  It's also difficult when other people's pets like to impossibly place themselves in dangerous situations so that others would try to save them instead of doing something sensible like calling the fire department.

• Nostalgia Critic : [after Patience trashes a noisy party, which the Critic pronounces a contrast to earlier]  But the contrast doesn't stop there. She gets on that leather outfit she said she would never put on and starts living up to her cat burglar name by stealing stuff. But it seems she now has a split personality, as in the morning, she does remember stealing them and actually returns it with the word "sorry" written on it. She wants to know what the hell is going on, so she returns the cat named Midnight to its owner and ask, "What the hell is going on?"

• [in the movie, Officer Tom Lone sees Patience perched precariously on an air conditioner as she tries to rescue a cat, but it starts giving way under her] 

  Tom Lone : Hey, whoa! Easy! Whatever it is you're thinking, whatever it is you're feeling, it's not worth it, you understand? Now, look, I'm a cop. Maybe I can help.

  Nostalgia Critic : [imitating Tom]  I know, you read the reviews to "The Call"! I'd be depressed, too!

• [Tom tells Patience that he found her art portfolio] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Well, that was... alarmingly creepy.

• Nostalgia Critic : [about Patience]  She stumbles across the plan of Cruella Jane Lynch whose make-up will start damaging the skin if it's not continually applied. She tries to escape through the sewers, but luckily the henchman who doesn't work there knows the exact button to push in order to flush her out. So she falls into the river... yet ends up on some rocks far away from the river... Did the water just grab her?... where we see the... embarrassingly bad animation left over from "Puss In Boots" comes in and quite literally breathes new life into her. I'm not even making that up. It literally breathes new life into her.

• [in the movie, a cat breathes on the body of the supposedly-dead Patience, whose eye turns into that of a cat] 

  Nostalgia Critic : [mimicking Patience]  I suddenly have a need to incorporate horrible cat jokes into my life.

  [normal voice] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, and I'm not kidding. Everything she does the following day is related to some kind of bad cat humor: she sleeps on the shelf, lands on all fours, hisses at dogs, eats several cans of tuna, and, I shit you not, this is a real scene of what happens when someone gives her catnip.

  [Patience rubs a catnip ball on her face] 

• [the Critic is being pursued by the Catwomen again, so he consults his "How To Train Your Catwoman" book again] 

  Nostalgia Critic : [reading]  "Catwomen can never resist a romantic dance sequence."

  [the Catwomen find him] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Um...

  [they stop in their tracks as he holds his hand out to them, as if to say, "May I have this dance?" In the next scene, they're all crowded around him, dancing] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Anyway...

  [he resumes the review while dancing] 

• Nostalgia Critic : She locates one of the thugs that tried to kill her that night and tries to get some info out of him.

  [Catwoman pins down the thug in question] 

  Catwoman : The other night you killed somebody. She was a nice girl. Why?

  [Before he speaks, she grabs his tongue] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh gee, wait, let me try to guess what the next line is. Um, "dog ate your biscuit?"

  Catwoman : Cat got your tongue?

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, yeah, yeah! That seemed much more logical. So he tells her about the secret headquarters. She goes there... and then leaves. Odd.

• [in the movie, Tom notices a bag and a coffee cup with the word "sorry" written on them] 

  Nostalgia Critic : But wait a second, our cop friend might be on the lead about who stole and returned those jewels from the other night.

  [Tom takes the bag and the cup to a handwriting expert] 

  Nostalgia Critic : What the...? Are you fucking kidding me? You took it to a handwriting expert? A handwriting... LOOK AT THEM! Ray Charles with a fucking blindfold on could tell it was the same person! But hey, don't let this get in the way of your date where a carousel breaks and she uses all her flips and kicks to save a little kid from falling. But wait a minute. Could this and the handwriting point to her possibly being the culprit?

  Tom Lone : [to Patience after she used her Catwoman moves to save the child]  Well, I don't know how you did it, but... I'm impressed.

  Nostalgia Critic : Guess not!

• Nostalgia Critic : [being pursued by the Catwomen]  When will they realize I don't want four beautiful women in skintight catsuits interrupting my review?

  [he suddenly looks up as he realizes what he just said] 

  Nostalgia Critic : What the fuck am I doing?

  [he turns to the Catwomen with a friendly smile] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Hi! You know, I'm not sure if you're aware of the Internet's policy on boobs. You see, just the mere appearance of them, even if they're covered up, guarantees a view count of double-D proportions.

• Nostalgia Critic : [chastising Tom for his inability to see that Patience and Catwoman are the same person]  Can you just promise me that there's a little blonde-haired niece...

  [shows a shot of Penny from "Inspector Gadget"] 

  Nostalgia Critic : ... going around actually solving the crime for him? It wouldn't be any more far-fetched than the rest of this movie, and... by god, I just have to have some hope in humanity.

• Nostalgia Critic : [about Tom Lone]  Clearly he needs to see her do it. Like this encounter at Circus de Seussical where she's trying to get more answers, when our cop friend comes across the Catwoman who's the same height, same skin color and exact same voice, and yet, really fucking miraculously, he still can't tell who it is! Yeah, look at him try to take off that mask! Oh, you'll figure it out someday! Oh, too late! She got away! Oh well, better luck next time! I'm off on a date with my cat-like girlfriend. It's good to get away from that criminal I'm chasing and being hooked up with a completely different person... who hates the rain like a cat, eats sushi like a cat, she even makes purring sounds while having sex with you...

  [almost breaks down, sobbing] 

  Nostalgia Critic : ... because guess what, you fucking moron? She's a goddamn caaaaaat!

• Nostalgia Critic : Sharon Stone's evil plan is revealed, which is the exact same evil plan in the first ten minutes. Nothing's changed, yet we spent an hour and a half trying to reveal it, and she frames Catwoman for the murder of her husband. But Inspector Clouseau FINALLY figures out it was her the whole time. How? Well, through his brilliant deductive reasoning and hi-tech CSI gadgetry, they took the lipstick mark that was left on his cheek during the fight sequence and compared it with the lipstick mark she left on a glass when they were dating, and the DNA and the pattern decoder matched them up perfectly, thus deducing that they are, in fact, the same person. Wow, you made that so much more complicated than it needed to be!

  [shows off images of Grimace, Birdie and Hamburglar] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Hey, genius, don't tell anyone, but I have a sneaking suspicion that one of these guys is stealing burgers. I haven't figured out which, but shh shh, we'll find the culprit.

• Nostalgia Critic : [about Catwoman]  So even though she's thrown in jail, she slips through the bars...

  [to the Catwomen he is dancing with] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Can one of you remind me to hit something later?

  Michelle Pfeiffer , Anne Hathaway , Eartha Kitt : Sure.

  Nostalgia Critic : ...and makes her way to Sharon Stone's hideout where she tries to stop her evil make-up from taking over the world. And you know, saying that out loud makes me realize just how fucking sexist this "empowering women" movie sounds.

• [the film climaxes with Catwoman and Laurel battling each other] 

  Nostalgia Critic : [about Laurel]  Get this: because she's used the make-up for so long, it makes her skin indestructible.

  Laurel : I can't be hurt.

  Catwoman : Beau-line.

  Laurel : You stop using it and your face disintegrates! But if you keep using it, skin like living marble.

  Nostalgia Critic : So wait, she's created this make-up where the more you use it, the more powerful you become? And all you had to do is keep using it to make you stronger? I'm sorry, what's the downside to this? "Oh, people will rot if you stop using it." Well, okay, keep fucking using it. Where's the problem? Why are you marketing this in cosmetics? You should be marketing this to the military!

  [Catwoman scratches Laurel, revealing her skin to not be so indestructible after all] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, I guess the problem is she's a fucking liar. The make-up is clearly not indestructible as it apparently starts coming off.

  [Laurel then falls off the edge of the building to her death below] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, and apparently indestructible also doesn't include falling off a building. Yeah, that's apparently its kryptonite, too. Kind of false advertising, but whatever.

• Nostalgia Critic : [finishing his review of the film]  Catwoman's proven innocent, but find she can't stay with her boyfriend because... last-ten-minutes-of-"Spider-Man" explanation. And I cry for anyone who didn't get an immediate refund before the credits started rolling.

• Nostalgia Critic : Is my male academia showing?

• [the Critic tells the Catwomen about the Internet's policy on boobs] 

  Eartha Kitt : We will be more than happy to continue exploiting our boobage once you give us an opinion of that godawful Halle Berry.

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh what, her performance? Well, that's easy enough. I think she's fine.

  Catwomen : WHAT?

  Nostalgia Critic : I mean, it's by no means good, but let's face it, there's nothing any actress could bring to it to make it work. I mean, when the script calls for you to rub catnip on your face, how well can you seriously portray that? It's over the top and goofy, but I think that just adds to the insanity that the film's already gotten across. So in all fairness, I see no reason to bawl her out for it. Wouldn't you agree?

  [the girls respond by attacking him with their shoe guns] 

• Nostalgia Critic : [the Catwomen are trying to shoot him with their shoe guns and he orders them to stop]  Haven't you ever put together that maybe not being in this movie is the best thing that could ever happen to you? I mean, this film is beyond bad. Like headscratchingly "How on earth could anybody take any sentence in this seriously?" bad. It's a marvel. It can barely be put into words. Nothing in any realm of reality could save it from the bad writing and directing that consumed every frame of this picture. Yeah, it is that bad. And you want to be a part of that?

  [the Catwomen realize their mistake] 

  Nostalgia Critic : You don't even know what you're suffering from, do you? You are suffering from Catwomen Raging Against Halle Berry Syndrome. That's right. You all have C.R.A.H.B.S.

  [the Catwomen all gasp] 

  Anne Hathaway : So that explains the itchy feeling inside.

• [the Critic convinces the Catwomen they have C.R.A.H.B.S. - Catwomen Raging Against Halle Berry Syndrome] 

  Nostalgia Critic : A lot of women who've gone through what you've gone through have it, and it's nothing to be ashamed of. All you have to do is find a way to live with it and continue to bring joy to people.

  Sean Young : But how can four attractive women dressed like this bring joy to people?

  Nostalgia Critic : On the Internet, there's definitely a way.

  [he nods and smiles at the girls; the Catwomen are next seen watching videos of themselves with delight] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Yep, the only thing that bizarrely gets more views than porn is cat videos.

• [having placated the Catwomen, the Critic declares his work finished, but he suddenly runs into...] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Halle Berry?

  Halle Berry : [dressed as Catwoman]  I hear somebody didn't like my movie.

  Nostalgia Critic : [reading from his "Train Your Catwoman" manual]  "If you should come across Halle Berry, you are doomed, for she clearly has no idea what makes a real Catwoman."

  [he screams in terror as Halle Berry advances on him and beats him up; punches fly and glass shatters; meanwhile, the Catwomen keep watching their cat videos, enthralled] 

  Nostalgia Critic : OW! HALLE BERRY IS CRAZY!

  Michelle Pfeiffer : We're beyond that, Critic!

  Nostalgia Critic : SHE'S TEARING ME APART!

  Anne Hathaway : You're projecting!

  Nostalgia Critic : AAAAAGH!

  Eartha Kitt : Someone's got a bad case of the C.R.A.H.B.S.

  Catwomen : Mm-hmm.

• [in the end, it is shown that this video is dedicated to those suffering from C.R.A.H.B.S] 

  Anne Hathaway : I'm Anne Hathaway and I have C.R.A.H.B.S.

  Sean Young : I'm Sean Young and I have C.R.A.H.B.S.

  Eartha Kitt : I'm Eartha Kitt and I have C.R.A.H.B.S.

  Michelle Pfeiffer : I'm Michelle Pfeiffer and I have C.R.A.H.B.S.

  Chester A. Bum : I'm Chester A. Bum and I have crabs.

  Anne Hathaway : Really? You have Catwomen Raging Against Halle Berry Syndrome?

  Chester A. Bum : [realizing his mistake]  Oh, god, am I in the wrong place!

  [he leaves for the proper meeting]