Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

Catwoman (2013)

Malcolm Ray: Eartha Kitt, Police Chief

Photos 

Quotes 

• [the Catwomen Anonymous meeting continues, in which the Catwomen blame Halle Berry for ruining Catwoman forever] 

  Group Counselor : Eartha Kitt, I believe last week you were discussing how you felt like a Catman trapped in a Catwoman's body.

  Eartha Kitt : No! I agree with them! We should keep our focus on the pussy bitch who stole all our chances to shine! If it wasn't for her, one of us could be the definitive Catwoman!

  Sean Young : ...Aren't you dead?

  Michelle Pfeiffer : Kitt-kat is right! It's time for retaliation. We can't just sit here all day and listen to this halfwit psychic analysis.

  Group Counselor : Psycho.

  Michelle Pfeiffer : What did you call me?

  Anne Hathaway : The counselor's name-calling? This group is falling apart!

  Sean Young : We need to take action!

  Anne Hathaway : We will get a leading role!

  Eartha Kitt : Purring Rs, unite!

  [the Catwomen raise their claws at the counselor and purr loudly at him] 

  Group Counselor : Now, ladies, ladies! This is getting out of hand. Now the Catwoman movie is so despised that no one would ever write that character in a leading role. Okay? I doubt you could even get the lead in a Catwoman review.

  Eartha Kitt : The what?

  Group Counselor : The Catwoman review. The one coming out this week.

  Michelle Pfeiffer : By who?

  [the group closes in on the counselor as the camera cuts to the Nostalgia Critic title sequence] 

• Michelle Pfeiffer : Catwomen unite!

  [the Catwomen all hiss] 

  Michelle Pfeiffer : We will find this Nostalgia Critic, and force him to have us star in his review.

  Group Counselor : [the Catwomen have tied him to a chair]  You know, ladies, I really don't think this is helpful to that healing process.

  Michelle Pfeiffer : Oh, but we have such plans for you.

  Sean Young : Yes. In a few moments, once we conveniently leave...

  [gestures toward a closed door, behind which a growling sound is heard] 

  Sean Young : ... that door will open to reveal a ferocious killer tiger.

  Anne Hathaway : Ripping you limb from limb, leaving only counselor bones.

  Eartha Kitt : Thus concluding our death trap that ties into our villainous identities.

  Michelle Pfeiffer : Come, ladies, we have a Critic to visit!

  [the Catwomen all leave] 

• [the Critic's doorbell rings and he answers the door; it's the Catwomen] 

  Anne Hathaway : He opened it! I can't believe he just opened it!

  [the next thing he knows, the Critic gets punched in the face by Michelle so hard, he falls to the floor] 

  Michelle Pfeiffer : Cat's out of the bag, Critic.

  Sean Young : We need a role we can sink our teeth into.

  Anne Hathaway : And you have the purr-fect part.

  Eartha Kitt : Cat-related pun.

  Nostalgia Critic : What the hell's going on here? What do you want?

  Sean Young : We're here to star in your Catwoman review.

  Michelle Pfeiffer : So we can show up that cow horse, Halle Berry.

  Nostalgia Critic : [getting up]  Forget it! You're not stealing this review from me!

  Anne Hathaway : Very well, you've forced us to take action.

  Eartha Kitt : Get ready to be declawed.

• [while being pursued by the Catwomen, the Critic comes across a book called "How To Train Your Catwoman" by Michael Gough] 

  Nostalgia Critic : [reading from the book]  "Try playing to the Catwoman's duality, it often wins them critical praise."

  [looks towards the Catwomen] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Hey! You seem very... two people-ish!

  Michelle Pfeiffer : Are you kidding? I am so psychologically tortured.

  Anne Hathaway : What do you mean? I'm the one who's constantly switching sides.

  Sean Young : Hey, I'm extremely complex.

  Eartha Kitt : Oh, please, you never even got a chance to be in the role.

  Michelle Pfeiffer : My dreams were crushed in the first third of screen time.

  Anne Hathaway : Oh yeah? Well, can you sing about your dreams like this?

  [starts singing] 

  Anne Hathaway : I dreamed a dream in time gone by...

  [she gets interrupted by the other Catwomen, who all engage in a literal cat fight; the Critic, meanwhile, slips away to continue his review] 

• [the Catwomen are trying to break down the Critic's door, using Eartha Kitt as a battering ram] 

  Eartha Kitt : Harder, ladies! Put your Kitty Pryde into it!

• Police Chief : All right men, we're gonna take this drug lord down the old-fashioned way.

  Peterson : What's the old fashioned way?

  Police Chief : Elegant and whimsical.

  [everyone in the room goes, "Ah!"] 

  Police Chief : Peterson!

  Peterson : Yes, sir!

  Police Chief : I want you to especially be enchanted and pleasant.

  Peterson : You got it, sir.

  Police Chief : We're gonna break into this bastard's home, kick down his door, and introduce him to a world of wonder, and merriment!

  [the crowd cheers] 

  Police Chief : Now...

  [he picks up a pink feather boa and wraps it on himself] 

  Police Chief : ... ready your boas.

• Nostalgia Critic : [about Catwoman]  So even though she's thrown in jail, she slips through the bars...

  [to the Catwomen he is dancing with] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Can one of you remind me to hit something later?

  Michelle Pfeiffer , Anne Hathaway , Eartha Kitt : Sure.

  Nostalgia Critic : ...and makes her way to Sharon Stone's hideout where she tries to stop her evil make-up from taking over the world. And you know, saying that out loud makes me realize just how fucking sexist this "empowering women" movie sounds.

• [somehow the Critic manages to escape from dancing with the Catwomen and they don't notice] 

  Eartha Kitt : Mmm, you dance so well.

  Michelle Pfeiffer : Yes, and since I'm so complex, it feels like I'm dancing with more than one person.

  Anne Hathaway : Actually, it feels like a little less than before.

  [the Catwomen notice that the Critic has escaped] 

  Anne Hathaway : Hey!

• [the Critic tells the Catwomen about the Internet's policy on boobs] 

  Eartha Kitt : We will be more than happy to continue exploiting our boobage once you give us an opinion of that godawful Halle Berry.

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh what, her performance? Well, that's easy enough. I think she's fine.

  Catwomen : WHAT?

  Nostalgia Critic : I mean, it's by no means good, but let's face it, there's nothing any actress could bring to it to make it work. I mean, when the script calls for you to rub catnip on your face, how well can you seriously portray that? It's over the top and goofy, but I think that just adds to the insanity that the film's already gotten across. So in all fairness, I see no reason to bawl her out for it. Wouldn't you agree?

  [the girls respond by attacking him with their shoe guns] 

• [having placated the Catwomen, the Critic declares his work finished, but he suddenly runs into...] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Halle Berry?

  Halle Berry : [dressed as Catwoman]  I hear somebody didn't like my movie.

  Nostalgia Critic : [reading from his "Train Your Catwoman" manual]  "If you should come across Halle Berry, you are doomed, for she clearly has no idea what makes a real Catwoman."

  [he screams in terror as Halle Berry advances on him and beats him up; punches fly and glass shatters; meanwhile, the Catwomen keep watching their cat videos, enthralled] 

  Nostalgia Critic : OW! HALLE BERRY IS CRAZY!

  Michelle Pfeiffer : We're beyond that, Critic!

  Nostalgia Critic : SHE'S TEARING ME APART!

  Anne Hathaway : You're projecting!

  Nostalgia Critic : AAAAAGH!

  Eartha Kitt : Someone's got a bad case of the C.R.A.H.B.S.

  Catwomen : Mm-hmm.

• [in the end, it is shown that this video is dedicated to those suffering from C.R.A.H.B.S] 

  Anne Hathaway : I'm Anne Hathaway and I have C.R.A.H.B.S.

  Sean Young : I'm Sean Young and I have C.R.A.H.B.S.

  Eartha Kitt : I'm Eartha Kitt and I have C.R.A.H.B.S.

  Michelle Pfeiffer : I'm Michelle Pfeiffer and I have C.R.A.H.B.S.

  Chester A. Bum : I'm Chester A. Bum and I have crabs.

  Anne Hathaway : Really? You have Catwomen Raging Against Halle Berry Syndrome?

  Chester A. Bum : [realizing his mistake]  Oh, god, am I in the wrong place!

  [he leaves for the proper meeting]