Top Five (2014)

Chris Rock: Andre Allen

Photos 

Quotes 

• Andre Allen : A lot of people don't like dates. It's like, "I hate dating. I hate dating."

  Andre Allen : I like dates. Dates are cool.

  Andre Allen : 'Cause a date means someone is considering fucking you.

  Andre Allen : They have to, like, ponder it. It's just...

  Andre Allen : Anybody you can eat with, you might have a chance of fucking.

  Andre Allen : So, and they're just pondering fucking you.

  Andre Allen : They're weighing it in their head. They're going...

  Andre Allen : Girls are going, "His dick, my mouth. I wonder."

  Andre Allen : And even if it doesn't happen, you just feel... I feel good.

  Andre Allen : I mean, any day somebody thinks about fucking you is a good day.

• Andre Allen : You coming to the party right?

  Carl : Some people got to work. I'll tell you what. I'll come to your next bachelor party.

  Andre Allen : That's not funny man.

  Carl : Tell me somethin'. Your next wife, she gonna be white or she gonna be asian?

  Andre Allen : It's still not funny man.

  Carl : Oh, it's only funny when you say mean shit. Right?

• Andre Allen : I am telling you, everything means something.

  Chelsea Brown : No everything does not mean something. Okay, sometimes a movie is just a movie. Sometimes a song is just a song. Sometimes a joke is just a joke. Remember those, jokes?

• Andre Allen : Fry or die.

• Andre Allen : [as Hammy the Bear]  Hammy time!

• Andre Allen : When I listen to satellite radio, I listen to Sirius hits One.

  XM Employee : That's good, but just, just make it a little funnier.

  Andre Allen : Funnier?

  XM Employee : Put a little stank on it.

  Andre Allen : Stank?

  XM Employee : Nice and funny, go.

  Andre Allen : What's up, motherfuckers? This is motherfucking Andre Allen! When I listen to satellite radio, or scratch my nuts, that is, I listen to Sirius motherfucking 101... bee-otch!

  XM Employee : First take was good. I was wrong on the stank, though.