- Reverend Elijah Hooper: Religion should be inviting, like a mug of warm soup. I don't know why soup tastes better in a mug, it just does.
- Lenny: God help me, I'm acutally paying attention.
- Bart Simpson: Gentlemen, this fort is now complete, and will last forever.
- Milhouse Van Houten: Not even the Nazis can get in here.
- Nelson Muntz: I thought we were the Nazis.
- Ned Flanders: At least the bedbugs have forced us back into church.
- Lisa Simpson: In the Middle Ages, people gathered into churches to avoid the bubonic plague, but that just made the plague spread even faster.
- Ned Flanders: Church!
- Reverend Elijah Hooper: So don't spend your Sundays in here listening to us. Go home and watch one of the Die Hard movies. They're always on, and they're always good.
- Homer Simpson: If it's such a Good Book, why are there no blurbs in the back? Not even from David Sedaris, and he'll blurb anything.
- Lisa Simpson: Mom, I found your wedding dress!
- Marge Simpson: But how?
- Lisa Simpson: By using something this town has never seen: honest police work.
- Bart Simpson: My dad used to hate church, it's what I loved about him. But now he's turn into a fat version of Flanders. No offence.
- Ned Flanders: None taken.
- Bart Simpson: But I thought you hated church.
- Homer Simpson: For the record, I hated the building, the people in it, and the spirit it represents, I never hated the chruch itself. But I believe in something bigger than me now.
- Bart Simpson: The only thing bigger than you now is you tomorrow.
- Homer Simpson: Why you little... lamb... Mustn't kill own son, only God can do that.