Ted (TV Series)

Loud Night (2024)

Seth MacFarlane: Ted

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Quotes 

• Ted : John the apostle. Jesus had an apostle named John.

  John Bennett : Holy shit. Those were like... like his buddies, right?

  Ted : Yeah. There was Sleepy, Sneezy, Dopey, Johnny, Blitzen, and Larry, Darryl and Darryl. There's no doubt anymore. I'm the lord Jesus Christ.

• John Bennett : Okay, then don't do it for Dad. Do it for Mom. Look, she's really bummed out right now and it's all just 'cause Christmas is messed up. Look, I know it's gonna suck, but...

  Ted : But, it's like I say in The Book of Romulans: Turn the other cheek. Do unto others. Say it, don't spray it. I'll have what she's having.

  Blaire Bennett : You're an idiot.

  Ted : [to John]  Oh, what do we say to that, Apostle?

  John Bennett : [to Blaire]  Four hell points.

  Ted : [to Blaire]  Four hell points.

  Blaire Bennett : What the fuck is a hell point?

  Ted : It's how I determine which of my children, who I love, will be tortured forever.

• Ted : Well, I Jesus the shit out of that one.

  Blaire Bennett : You? You didn't do anything.

  Ted : Ah, I worked in mysterious ways.

  Sarah : How?

  Ted : Where there was only one set of footprints, that's where I carried you.

  Blaire Bennett : You watched 18 hours of TV yesterday. You barely moved.

  Ted : When it most appears I'm not Jesus, that's when you need faith.

  Sarah : Ted, you do know what happened to Jesus, right?

  Ted : Yeah, he gave back the Gobstopper and they gave him the chocolate factory. I mean, I think that's what happened. I'm reading, like, two books at once.

  Sarah : They nailed him to the cross and crucified him for our sins.

  Ted : Wait, what?

  Susan Bennett : It was so nice of him to let them do that for us, wasn't it?

  Ted : They killed him?

  Sarah : Yeah.

  Ted : Oh shit. Yeah, fuck that. I'm out.

  [to John] 

  Ted : Wait, maybe I'm Buddha. Buddha was lazy, right?

• Blaire Bennett : [offering Sarah some food]  You want some of this?

  Sarah : Yes, please.

  Matty Bennett : [interrupts Blaire]  Woah, woah, woah, woah. Hey!

  Blaire Bennett : What? What? What?

  Matty Bennett : It's Christmas Eve. We got to say grace, thank the Lord.

  Ted : You're welcome.

  Blaire Bennett : [sighs]  Fine.

  Matty Bennett : Dennis, would you like to do the honors?

  Dennis : Absolutely. Bow your heads.

  [everyone except for Ted and Sarah bow their heads in prayer] 

  Dennis : Dear Lord...

  Ted : Yes.

  Dennis : Thank you for this food...

  Ted : No problem.

  Dennis : And for these blessings...

  Ted : Anytime.

  Dennis : Make us thankful.

  Ted : On it.

  Dennis : And may we serve you...

  Ted : Mashed potatoes.

  Dennis : Hey, what the fuck? You wanna say grace?

  Ted : Nah, I'd feel like an asshole.

  Susan Bennett : Amen. Oh, that was just beautiful, Dennis.

  Dennis : Now you can eat.

  Blaire Bennett : Oh, yeah, thank you so much for your permission.