- Judge Craig Richwood: Mr. Gray, what do you and your clients have to say?
- Larry Murdock: Oh. Larry Murdoch. Excuse me, your honor. I'm a retired teamster, and I, uh, I cut the brake lines on the bastard's car. Just a little backup plan. No harm done.
- Pauline Allen: I'm Pauline Allen, and I would like to confess that I greased the very top step on which Ed untimely slipped. And I helped with the brownies.
- Clayton Carter: Me, too. Clayton Carter. I shopped for the almond milk and the peanut oil. And putting the Frangelica in the icing was entirely my idea. A flourish.
- Vera Walker: Vera Walker. I made the brownies, and I put them out by the nachos for our weekly taco night. And no one else was hurt by them at all. And I have two more batches in the freezer; so, if you'd like to try one yourself... No? Okay.
- Howard Gray: I'm Howard Gray, and, uh...
- Howard Gray: [clears throat] Ed helped himself to our buffet without asking and walked off with two brownies. We waited while he went upstairs to eat, and then after he choked to death on his own rudeness and his cries for help kind of petered out, uh, I propped him up in one of those kitchen chairs and turned on the gas and called 911. And we're very sorry, your honor, and we promise never to let someone kill themselves again.
- Judge Craig Richwood: I see. Well, uh, taking into account the 378 collective years the five of you have spent on the planet with no priors, and the fact that not a single one of you can actually be charged with murder, I accept the plea of manslaughter and agree in principle to two years of house arrest for each of the five defendants, followed by nine years of probation.
- Dr. Morales: I think we're looking at anaphylactic shock related to an allergic reaction.
- Lt. Louie Provenza: Still not our problem. First the accident, then a bee sting, a peanut. Maybe it was just the guy's time to go.
- Dr. Morales: Except, why open the oven door, turn up the gas, and sit in your own kitchen if you're already choking to death?
- Lt. Louie Provenza: Sounds extreme but maybe he was under a lot of pressure at work.
- Detective Amy Sykes: Welcome to Lost Horizon, also known as the land that time forgot.
- Detective Julio Sanchez: Hope we get in and out before the place falls down.
- Buzz Watson: If I close my eyes, I can hear the bulldozers.
- Lt. Louie Provenza: Hey, just because something's old doesn't mean it's not serving a good purpose.
- Howard Gray: Well, I'm guessing you want to get into Ed's apartment.
- Lt. Louie Provenza: Yes. Yes, we do. Um, is the manager of Lost Horizon around?
- Clayton Carter: We call it Shangri-La.
- Larry Murdock: Mm-hm.
- Clayton Carter: "La Shangri-La" if we're feeling festive.
- Detective Julio Sanchez: Where were you the night Ed Dagby supposedly committed suicide?
- Agent Mark Evans: Out with friends. It was a special night... Wait. Wait a minute. You really think I had something to do with... Uh, uh, "Supposedly committed suicide?" What's that... what's that mean?
- Captain Sharon Raydor: We're thinking that Dagby's death was more of a murder.
- Agent Mark Evans: Oh... All right, okay, look, look, um... Ed needs to have committed suicide.
- Lt. Louie Provenza: Oh, boy.
- Agent Mark Evans: Ed was found in his apartment with the gas turned on, right? I mean, how is that not a suicide?
- Detective Julio Sanchez: He was dead before the oven was turned on.
- Agent Mark Evans: Uh... no, no, no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no. You see, uh... uh... I'm gonna be totally honest here. If you'd known Ed Dagby, you would realize that killing himself was the only decent thing he had done his whole life. I mean, the coroner said he thought it was a suicide. Can't we just stick with that?
- Detective Amy Sykes: Is he kidding?
- Lt. Louie Provenza: No, he's hiding something, and we probably need to find out what it is.
- Buzz Watson: [handing over the Shangrila security camera] Be careful. It's an antique.
- Lt. Mike Tao: Ugh. If you look through this lens, you can probably see Barnaby Jones.
- Dr. Morales: God, I feel like Quincy, only without the subtitles.
- [no reactions]
- Dr. Morales: Ah, you wouldn't get that joke You didn't watch the show in Uruguay.
- Lt. Louie Provenza: Fine. Just... just tell me how I did.
- Rangemaster R. Morton: It's DNQ.
- Lt. Louie Provenza: Did not qualify? No, no, no, no! Just hold on one second. I've been shooting here every week for almost the last three months. If I don't qualify by next Friday, I'll be at a desk job for the rest of my career.
- Rangemaster R. Morton: And?
- Lt. Louie Provenza: And... and look at that one there... right there. I mean, that bullet hole is on the line!
- Lt. Louie Provenza: [chuckling] It's on the line.
- Rangemaster R. Morton: [stamps "DNQ"] If you end up in a dangerous situation where you're required to be proficient with your firearm, other people could die. You still have four days to get this right. Come back tomorrow.
- Lt. Louie Provenza: Read it and weep.
- Rangemaster R. Morton: Don't see many of these. Perfect target, Lieutenant.
- [stamps "QUALIFY"]
- Lt. Louie Provenza: Why is Jerry never here anymore?
- Rangemaster R. Morton: Jerry Zein retired.
- Lt. Louie Provenza: Retired? He's been scoring my targets since I became a lieutenant.
- Rangemaster R. Morton: Sounds like he had a good, long career.
- Lt. Mike Tao: Okay, on "Action," Scarface will come out onto the balcony. Ready... Set... and action!
- Lt. Louie Provenza: Well, Vera, who do you see?
- Vera Walker: Oh, it's that little Mexican fella.
- Pauline Allen: Vera, you said the wrong thing.
- Vera Walker: Oh...
- Lt. Louie Provenza: Yes, you did, Vera. It's not "Mexican." It's "Latino."... Latino... My God, these glasses.
- Lt. Mike Tao: Cut!... Check the gate!
- Lt. Andy Flynn: Ladies and gentlemen, you are all under arrest for murder one.