- Dana Caldwell: My dad said I shouldn't talk to you anymore.
- Adam Goldberg: Oh, I understand.
- Dana Caldwell: Too bad I never listen to him.
- Beverly Goldberg: [after seeing a video compilation of Murray doing nice things for her proving his love for her] I hate my new ring, I'm going to take it back first thing tomorrow.
- Murray Goldberg: I thought the guy said no returns.
- Beverly Goldberg: [shrugs] Eh, I'll guilt him into it.
- Narrator: [after Adam splices home movies showing Murray doing nice things for Bev] It turns out the most romantic movie in the 80s, was the one starring my parents.
- Narrator: In most households, a dinner this quiet was normal, but in our family, it meant something was seriously wrong.
- Barry Goldberg: [whispering] What's going on?
- Erica Goldberg: [whispering] Dad bought Mom a spite ring and she's wearing it to spite him.