- Jess turns to Nick for advice on how to fit in with a clique of "mean girl" teachers at her new school. Meanwhile, an office party is anything but fun for Schmidt, and Winston plots revenge on Daisy, whom he suspects is cheating on him.
- When Jess desperately tries to fit in with a clique of "mean girl" teachers at her new school, she (mistakenly) turns to Nick for advice on how to deal with them. Meanwhile, an office party is anything but fun for Schmidt, and Winston plots revenge while cat-sitting for Daisy, whom he suspects is cheating on him.—Anonymous
- Over breakfast in the morning with Cece, Schmidt dodges a call from Elizabeth. He does a terrible job covering, saying it's a call from "Dr. Cover" his oncologist.
Winston comes looking for input on cats.
"They carry disease, they're obsessed with my nipples and they are unwelcome in this loft," Schmidt says.
Flash to Schmidt sleeping shirtless in a barn with kittens licking his nipples.
In the bathroom, Jess obsesses over her bangs. She's been at her new school for a week and hasn't made any friends. There's a clique of teachers who runs the place.
Winston comes asking about cats. Jess mentions Schmidt has the greatest story about them. Flash back to the barn.
Schmidt walks by telling them to grow up, nothing actually came out.
Later, in the elevator, Schmidt takes note of how happy Nick seems. He asks him, hypothetically, what Nick would do if he met someone who made him just as happy as Jess does. But Schmidt picked Cece, so he has to let Elizabeth go, Nick says, not knowing he did neither.
Nick's on a mission to buy school supplies. The elevator doors open and Winston gets on. (They forgot to press the button.)
Winston has decided to ask Daisy to be his girlfriend by saying his heart is a tandem bicycle and he wants her in the rear. Schmidt and Nick advise against that particular wording.
At school, the mean teachers mock Oscar Foster, the principal, when he leaves the room after he brags about his new "jacooz". When one says he needs to get laid, Jess volunteers that she got laid this morning, by her boyfriend. She's trying to dig her way out of the hole when Nick comes in offering free school supplies.
One teacher snatches them. Jess if very worried about his approach until he offers them free drinks at his bar and they seem interested.
Schmidt shows Elizabeth his new private office at work, a perfect 2/3rds replica of Don Draper's from "Mad Men."
Schmidt's coworker Bethany asks Elizabeth if she's coming to the office party tomorrow and Schmidt has to invite her. When she leaves, Schmidt yells at Bethany for meddling in his personal life. He tries to slam his office door, but the tiny credenza is in the way.
Winston goes to pick up Daisy's cat and asks her to be exclusive. He notices her shower's running. She says she was about to get in it. She agrees to being exclusive. Then she says the giant men's athletic shoe on the floor is also hers. Then the shower stops running and someone flushes, but she says no one's there and sends Winston on his way.
At Nick's bar, Jess tries to mingle with the mean teachers but can't get into the mean vibe. Listening in, Nick tells her later that it's high school and they're the cool kids and she's the nerd. She denies ever being a nerd.
Flash to Jess in medieval garb singing Renaissance music. Nick thinks he was cool. Flash to him playing hacky sack.
He gives her advice, including to make fun of her boss, not follow her instincts, try not to sing and, most importantly, drink a lot.
Cut to her on the bar later.
In the morning, Nick comes to get "toilet pants," the girl who bet herself $6 she could dance in the toilet bowl.
Cut to Jess with her feet in the toilet singing Four Non Blondes.
Nick gets her moving, she's late for work.
Winston comes in, apparently having been crying. Schmidt also needs something urgently. Jess is out cold. Nick reminds them of the time he was so hungover he nearly missed his flight for Christmas.
On cue, all three guys break out singing "I Believe I Can Fly," the horror of which rouses Jess from bed.
When Schmidt sees how wrecked Jess is, he asks Nick what he's doing to her. Nick insists he's helping.
"By turning her in to you?" Schmidt asks.
Winston says he thinks Daisy is cheating on him.
Cut to Schmidt visiting Cece at a photo shoot to tell her the party tonight is for employees only, so no "sig ots." (He doesn't have time to say "significant others.") She's cool with it.
Back at the loft, Nick doesn't see a way that Daisy isn't cheating on Nick and tells Winston he has to break up with her. Winston was thinking first he'd kill her cat.
When Jess arrives for school, the cool teachers welcome her to the club by letting her use the real mugs.
At the loft, Winston has arranged a noose for Ferguson the cat, resolved to have a "cat for a cat." "What's the other cat?" Nick asks. "My heart," Winston says.
Jess comes in looking for a flashlight and tells Nick they're breaking into Oscar's house to put their butts in his Jacuzzi. Nick tries to talk her out of it, saying it's a felony and she's not the type of person who can get away with that sort of thing. She's the type of person who has it go horribly wrong and ends up in a funny video on the internet. Then he says he's not letting her.
As she's storming out, Nick has to go back to keep Winston from bludgeoning the cat. The cat gets away and Winston stalks it.
At Schmidt's office party, he's talking to Elizabeth when he sees Cece come in. She says her job was too terrible and she had to see him. He tries to keep her in his office.
Bethany sees them both there and narrates the impending fireworks.
Schmidt is trying to convince Elizabeth to leave by setting it up as a sexy role playing game where she leaves early when she sees Cece. He says Cece does catering in between modeling jobs and asks if it's OK if he goes to talk to her.
Winston prepares to smother the cat but is deterred by it's adorableness.
Cece's dressed in all black so Schmidt gives her a white apron to wear, saying this way his boss won't ask questions.
Jess gets a boost from the mean teachers over Oscar's fence.
Schmidt leaves Cece with a tray of shrimp in her hands to play out the role play with Elizabeth. She goes along, saying she's about to go.
He runs back to Cece, thinking he's safe, but Bethany stops Elizabeth from leaving.
The women see each other. Cece is stunned and Schmidt starts to confess, but then she concludes that Elizabeth works there.
Schmidt goes along with it. And when Elizabeth comes over she compliments the food, gets back into her role playing character and leaves.
Schmidt can't believe he's not busted and neither can Bethany.
Back outside Oscar's house, the mean teachers aren't much help to Jess. Nick shows up and joins her. He tells her that he's her old man now so if she's going to do something stupid, he's at least going to join her.
The lights go on, Jess jumps in a bush. Nick tries to pretend he used to live in the house and is just visiting but he isn't selling it. Jess pops out. Oscar decides he knows what's going on: they heard about his new "jacooz" and want to try it out. He pushes a button and tiki torches flame on and a soundtrack plays Paula Cole as he strips to his swim shorts. Nick and Jess unbutton.
Daisy comes to pick up her cat and is about to run. Winston asks if there was a dude in her shower. When Daisy admits there was, he asks how she knows him.
"From sex, but it was before you and I were exclusive," she says. But they also had sex last night.
Winston tells her it's over, saying he deserves better -- and so does the cat. He snatches the carrier back. He's keeping Ferguson.
At work Schmidt seems to feel terrible for getting away with it, Bethany congratulates him on his Pyrrhic victory.
At school, the cool teachers invite Jess to come grade papers with them on liquid ecstasy, but she turns them down to hang out with her "old man."
Jess meets up with Nick outside. He insists he would have noticed her in high school. They run off to do it on her desk.
Later at the loft, Winston, Jess and Nick stand around in horror as Ferguson licks sleeping Schmidt's nipples. "Ok, something is definitely coming out," Winston says.
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