"Alles Verbrecher: Eiskalte Liebe" is a German television film from 2014, so not particularly new anymore, but also not really that old. I will spare you the names of the director and the two writers, but let me say that all of them were part of the film industry for 20-30 years already when this was made and it is really shocking that after such long careers apparently they still come up with garbage material like this film here. The cast includes some mildly famous names like Krumbiegel, Stötzner and Kleinert, but no big names by any definition and even if many people (not just those three) have been in really many films here in Germany, their bodies of work also include many bad films. Not just this one here. The crime stoy can be summarized pretty quickly: We have a professional marriage swindler and the women disappointed by him take revenge by trying to kill him. Twice in fact and they try to freeze him to death in a way to make a statement about what he did to them. But he somehow manages to get away both times. And he cannot really tell anybody it was them who did it because this way he would also be in for severe legal punishment. We find out pretty early it was those women who did it. There is no suspense in here, except that another woman is involved too at the end. That is alright. i am a big Columbo lover (although I feel bad for mentioning this brilliant show linekd to this film), so I don#t mind knowing quickly who the bad guys are. There are other major issues this film has that turn it into a mess on so many occasions.
What this film is at least as much about as the crime plot is the background story about the police officers' relationship and also their family background. And this is one area where the film fails. They clearly wanted to make it as funny as the likes of Münster Tatort etc. and deliver a lot more than crime, but they totally failed with their shot at humor here. It as all so unfunny, unrealistic and over the top. The definition of try-hard, if there has even been one for a movie. It already starts with how the new young police officer comes to the office mistaking his boss for the secretary. And she plays along of course. Still, this 1.5-hour film was better in the first half than in the second because that is where it really turned into a gigantic mess. So many unrealistic moments. I will mention a few that really sucked. The banter as a whole can be mentioned, bzut the older protagonist's cluelessness when it comes to technical aspects was just as embarrassing as the constant running gag with how slowly she drives. The technical aspect can be seen in one scene that include a mention of Photoshop. I mean it is okay she translates it and mentions it, but she did not do it once with another English word he said, so it feels really for the sake of it. And don't even get me started on how everybody thinks she plans on getting married. It just made no sense. So yeah, this basically destroys the family background story for her and his isn't much better with the brother who wants a music career. When he shows up at his brother's job, it is just cringe galore and not in the way they intended, but actually the way they thought we should believe what we see. Of course, this also happens right after he speaks about his intact family. Besides, it is really obvious that the actor is not Italian (he seemed more like a very poor man's M'Barek, and actually I think the latter is already not a good actor at all, so this should make it obvious what I think about him, Rodic is the name) and even more obvious that his brother's actor has not one Italian cell in his body. Terrible casting too. Oh yeah, and also that they go together on a holiday in the end. They probably wanted audiences to think and say now that is going to be hilarious, but really it was the opposite of what I was thinking. In general, it was ridiculous how these two were written in a way where they got along so well with their constant banter (the hormone reference for example) that felt as if they had been working together for 20 years already, but reality is it wasn't even a week. Only a fool would believe it.
Away from the two protagonists, all the supporting players also bring a great deal of cringe. Take the football-obsessed boss who runs the place and he basically does nothing but come up with football references. Luckily, he does not have too much screen time, but he really makes sure the film hits rock-bottom when he observes the interrogation and compares the outcome to a football game. It is even characters who have almost zero dialogue and zero screen time that were written so bad. Just take the excavator driver towards the end. Yeah right, she picks up the bad guy with her shovel and throws him into the dirty water. Are you kidding me? Or take the police officer who lets the bad guy get away. This is so ridiculous. A genuine mix of drama and comedy that is never tense and never funny. Surely needed a special lack of talent to mess this up. There is even one moment when they talk about acting / being an actor and this was probably intended, but to me it felt so unintentionally hilarious because nobody in this film shows talented acting. I still rather felt like crying than like laughing. The script really did not make it easy for the cast here must be said though. Okay what else? Back to the marriage swindler. He is in a really life-threatening situation when he is found in that huge cake for the first time and still we are supposed to believe he is perfectly fine after a couple days? This is so ridiculous. And they are even doing it again. Okay the second time may not have been as severe as the first, but still. He still should have had the first time in his body, but again he just runs away, this time after hours even it seems. Who are they fooling? One must be really simple to see any quality in this movie. Also the poor man's Tony DiNozzo film expert references from the male protagonist got annyoing pretty quickly, just like really everything about him to be honest. Admittedly, Krumbiegel's character was hardly more likable. This movie is just a complete mess. I could write another 3 üparagraphs about moments, scenes and sequences when it really sucked, but luckily I have forgotten quite a bit about this one already and I'd like to keep it that way, even if unfortunately I will probably never forget this film as a whole. Shocking to see they even made a second film one year later, but as for approximately 5 years now there has not been a third movie, I think it is pretty safe to say that this shall stay a duology. Two films too many nonetheless. Stay far away from this one here. Highly not recommended and like I said in the title of my review, the criminals are those who made this movie because this is paid for by money they get from Germany citizens. And not voluntarily, but we are forced to pay them. Big scandal. An abomination. Just like this film.
What this film is at least as much about as the crime plot is the background story about the police officers' relationship and also their family background. And this is one area where the film fails. They clearly wanted to make it as funny as the likes of Münster Tatort etc. and deliver a lot more than crime, but they totally failed with their shot at humor here. It as all so unfunny, unrealistic and over the top. The definition of try-hard, if there has even been one for a movie. It already starts with how the new young police officer comes to the office mistaking his boss for the secretary. And she plays along of course. Still, this 1.5-hour film was better in the first half than in the second because that is where it really turned into a gigantic mess. So many unrealistic moments. I will mention a few that really sucked. The banter as a whole can be mentioned, bzut the older protagonist's cluelessness when it comes to technical aspects was just as embarrassing as the constant running gag with how slowly she drives. The technical aspect can be seen in one scene that include a mention of Photoshop. I mean it is okay she translates it and mentions it, but she did not do it once with another English word he said, so it feels really for the sake of it. And don't even get me started on how everybody thinks she plans on getting married. It just made no sense. So yeah, this basically destroys the family background story for her and his isn't much better with the brother who wants a music career. When he shows up at his brother's job, it is just cringe galore and not in the way they intended, but actually the way they thought we should believe what we see. Of course, this also happens right after he speaks about his intact family. Besides, it is really obvious that the actor is not Italian (he seemed more like a very poor man's M'Barek, and actually I think the latter is already not a good actor at all, so this should make it obvious what I think about him, Rodic is the name) and even more obvious that his brother's actor has not one Italian cell in his body. Terrible casting too. Oh yeah, and also that they go together on a holiday in the end. They probably wanted audiences to think and say now that is going to be hilarious, but really it was the opposite of what I was thinking. In general, it was ridiculous how these two were written in a way where they got along so well with their constant banter (the hormone reference for example) that felt as if they had been working together for 20 years already, but reality is it wasn't even a week. Only a fool would believe it.
Away from the two protagonists, all the supporting players also bring a great deal of cringe. Take the football-obsessed boss who runs the place and he basically does nothing but come up with football references. Luckily, he does not have too much screen time, but he really makes sure the film hits rock-bottom when he observes the interrogation and compares the outcome to a football game. It is even characters who have almost zero dialogue and zero screen time that were written so bad. Just take the excavator driver towards the end. Yeah right, she picks up the bad guy with her shovel and throws him into the dirty water. Are you kidding me? Or take the police officer who lets the bad guy get away. This is so ridiculous. A genuine mix of drama and comedy that is never tense and never funny. Surely needed a special lack of talent to mess this up. There is even one moment when they talk about acting / being an actor and this was probably intended, but to me it felt so unintentionally hilarious because nobody in this film shows talented acting. I still rather felt like crying than like laughing. The script really did not make it easy for the cast here must be said though. Okay what else? Back to the marriage swindler. He is in a really life-threatening situation when he is found in that huge cake for the first time and still we are supposed to believe he is perfectly fine after a couple days? This is so ridiculous. And they are even doing it again. Okay the second time may not have been as severe as the first, but still. He still should have had the first time in his body, but again he just runs away, this time after hours even it seems. Who are they fooling? One must be really simple to see any quality in this movie. Also the poor man's Tony DiNozzo film expert references from the male protagonist got annyoing pretty quickly, just like really everything about him to be honest. Admittedly, Krumbiegel's character was hardly more likable. This movie is just a complete mess. I could write another 3 üparagraphs about moments, scenes and sequences when it really sucked, but luckily I have forgotten quite a bit about this one already and I'd like to keep it that way, even if unfortunately I will probably never forget this film as a whole. Shocking to see they even made a second film one year later, but as for approximately 5 years now there has not been a third movie, I think it is pretty safe to say that this shall stay a duology. Two films too many nonetheless. Stay far away from this one here. Highly not recommended and like I said in the title of my review, the criminals are those who made this movie because this is paid for by money they get from Germany citizens. And not voluntarily, but we are forced to pay them. Big scandal. An abomination. Just like this film.
