JonTron (TV Series)

Home Alone Games (2014)

Jon Jafari: JonTron

Quotes 

• JonTron : Did I just trip up that robber with a spider and then do a moonwalk?

  [drops controller] 

  JonTron : That's it! This is the best game ever! Cue the song and dance!

  [opens beer bottle that shoots out rainbows] 

• JonTron : Macauley? Is that you?

  Macauley Culkin : That's me! I'm here to tell you it's not too late! You still have a chance!

  JonTron : Jesus, what happened to your face? You doin' alright?

  Macauley Culkin : I'm dead.

  JonTron : I mean, honestly, seeing you in interviews, you seem like a great guy. You just got a bit of a corpse face.

  Macauley Culkin : Jon, it's January 25th. You slept for a month! You slept through Christmas and starved your bird out!

  JonTron : Alright, Cronos. If I'm expected to believe it's January 25th, then why does my calendar say it's December 25th? Ano Domini, year of our lord, bitch.

  [calendar flips to January] 

  JonTron : Uh-oh.

  Macauley Culkin : By the way, I'm trying to help you here. I'm gonna ignore how hurtful that last statement was about the corpse face and help you undo this thing. I shouldn't now. I shouldn't, but I gonna because I'm a good person. I didn't do that much drugs! And my dad stole my money! The only way to bring your dead friend back is to find a good game from the Home Alone franchise, which is... there's a lot of them, so good luck. I mean it. Please help me now. I got a couple two or three bookies on me and a few delayed car payments. Find the game please.

• [after another nut pops] 

  JonTron : What is it with these fucking nuts?

• [on Home Alone 5] 

  JonTron : This one's for the Criterion Collection! They even got Malcolm McDowell! I sure they walked up to him, they didn't have to do any explaining. He said, "Hi, I'm Malcolm McDowell. I've worked with the greatest, I've worked with Kubrick, I've been in Clockwork Orange. Get the fuck out of my house. You ask me if I do Holiday Heist. You, would you ask me? Do you want the best caviar on the planet? You don't ask a man a question like that? Get the fuck out of my mansion."

• JonTron : Who's running this hotel? The Addams family?

• JonTron : Also, I think this bear is tripping balls with that dog down there. That is the face of someone who's seen some shit.

• [last lines] 

  JonTron : Shit, I hallucinated all that, didn't I?

• [first lines] 

  JonTron : Nothing like the smell of 'nog on Christmas Eve, ay, Jacques?

  Jacques : That's racist.

  JonTron : This year, I'm gettin' nuts. Every other year I play it safe. Not this year. I'm gettin' nuts.

  Jacques : Hell yeah, boy! Let's do this. Time to get nuts.

  JonTron : You feel me? You feel me on this?

  Jacques : [eating a peanut] 

  JonTron : You know, it never really struck me before, but I'm starting to think there might be a pretty big species divide between you and I on very, very different interpretations on what "getting nuts" means.

• JonTron : Where is that pasty-ass Skeletor motherfucker? Is he getting his ectoplasma in my toothbrush? I swear to fuckin' God.

• JonTron : What's this, a potato? Did I just pick up a fucking potato to stop robbers? Oh, well, there's the lightbulb for it, at least. That's good. Now I can knock 'em out with my impressive science skills! Brinks New Home Potato Security!

• JonTron : I don't know, what do you put on goiter? Salve?

  [pause] 

  JonTron : Sa...

• JonTron : I mean no exaggeration by this. The boxart is literally the best part about this game.